I must no longer allow my circumstances to define me, to be my god. I am a child of the Most High God, the Creator of Heaven and Earth! I am loved, i am new, i am redeemed. And yet, my circumstances of being lonely, of loving a man who cannot and will not love me, overwhelm me at times and try to get me to forget just how GOOD my God is. "Though i may walk thru valley of the shadow of death, still You are with me," No matter how alone i feel, how unloved and broken, God is still with me. He is still all i need. I need this to resound in me, to believe with my whole heart, soul and mind. I need to fully believe that although a man is gone from my life, the One Man who died for me, rose again for me and saved me. "The Lord my Maker is my husband,"and i need to remember that i am not alone, and i am so loved.
yes, it hurts. i feel the aches strong today, and have this past week. If you think of it, pray for me. I surrender my will to God many times a day, and even now have a battle raging just to talk to him again. Is it the man himself that i desire so strongly, or the old life of allowing myself to desire a man so strongly? For now i have been living to prove to God that HE ALONE is my desire and i do not need a man to satisfy. CS Lewis once wrote, "If when you obtain that which you desired and are not satisfied, it was not that which you obtained that you truly desired." I know now that the only thing that satisfies is Christ. And yet, how hard it is to not desire anything else but Christ...Oh that i would be innocent as a child and know nothing but Jesus to satisfy! And to be like a child i must, in that i have faith in Him to be who He is.
the temptation to contact him has been so strong these days, and yet God is so faithful and does get me thru it, providing a way out. So many things i want to say, that i never got to. And yet, i wonder if it would even matter. To say i'm sorry for the unrealistic expectations, to say i'm sorry for the wrongful judgments, to say i'm sorry for the trespasses...to say how much i miss the encouragement he provided, to say thank you for making me a better person, to say look at how much i have grown because of knowing you....
ReplyDeleteand yet, to do so would not be denying myself and carrying my cross. To go back to that which God took away would be rejecting God's will. As hard as it is to stay away, i have to believe that this is necessary for the growth which God is bringing about in both of our lives. If you are reading this, know that i love you. I know now what love is and i do not love you in the selfish way that i hope you give me what i want, but in the way that i want to see you grow closer to God. I am sorry for all that i have done, for i have not shown you love. and i miss you-the way we would come together and conquer the world with God going before us and behind us and in us. But God is showing me i only need Him. This is what you wanted all along for me, so please see this and know that God has heard your prayer and answered it favorably. I will always love you JHS