The age of expression

I believe we are in what could be called "the age of expression."  Sure, there are all these ways of getting information and learning so we could still be in the "age of information," but I think we are surpassing that. No longer is the Internet just to find out the answers for your questions, but it is the place for you to, as YouTube says, "broadcast yourself." Blogs and articles on random issues, as well as quite serious and large issues, pop up all over. 

From singleness to dating to marriage to religion to workouts to makeup to equality to healthcare to politics...whatever is on our mind, we are free to express it. The famous Facebook asks, "what's on your mind?" But it is no longer a Facebook status. It's now links to the viral articles, viral videos, viral pictures or memes or riddles. It's not just "I'm enjoying time with my loved ones," but "...and this is my philosophy on loved ones."

Is it that we are desperate for attention? Desperate to be heard? Is it because, in spite of the various ways of communication, we worry that no one is listening? 

The truth is, I love to write. I love to write about what I love and what I think. And I'm not the only one. Gone are the days where you need an English or journalism degree to publish something for the world to see. Gone is even the need for grammar, perhaps. But one thing that will always remain is our human need to be understood. To be heard. To be listened to. To know that we matter. That our thoughts matter. 

Dear friend, don't you know that we cannot be that for one another? Not a single relative, friend, spouse, child, pupil....not one single person can complete you, being there every time you need something or want to share your thoughts. But there is Someone who is. 

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. (Psalm 139:1-4 NIV)

God knows our thoughts before we even say it. Even when we feel He is far away, and when we are turned away from Him, even then He hears our thoughts. He is the One who completes, hears, and understands us at all times. 

Although I would love to have an article or book floating around in circles of influence, I know that my thoughts are known by the One who created me. The One who commands that I love Him with all my heart, soul and mind. So no matter how far I go, no matter how many people I reach, I know that my mind is to be used to love Him. And that's what I plan to use it for. 

A picture is worth a thousand words

A picture is worth a thousand words,

And words can cut one into thirds. 

So I will speak and speak I must,

Or else I fear that I may bust. 

Though pictures last and speak a lot,

Of what they speak do we give a thought?

Or perhaps sometimes we think to much,

And distort the truth and spread as such.

For can one photo say one thing,

But to another have a different ring? 

Who is right and who is wrong?

The question is short. The answer long.

For I may make a fire one night.

To keep me warm, and this is right.

But one shall see the burning flame

And think to eat with this dame. 

How disappointed she will be

When no food on fire she see.

Or if one sees the smoke as signal,

"Help me! Help me" it screams a full.

The blush and cower of the one

Who thinks me in danger and not in fun.

Still one, a next, can think he see

That I lit the fire not for me.

One picture of the fire that is made,

But many new plans to use it are laid. 

Not one is wrong, not one is right.

Except for the one who lit the light. 

So many ways to interpret one thing

Be it photo or word, bird or ring. 

May we see with eyes of love and peace

Each piece and part of all, please please?

One day I may set myself a fire

To beckon for help to get out of the mire.

The next may be to guide, a light,

Or cook a mammal after a fight. 

I cannot say what your fire is for,

But know that me it will so lure. 

For curiosity will endure. 

For now and forevermore. 

Rant

Reading proverbs is good. So good. I can't even explain. Paired with asking God to clean your tongue and mouth and  praying with others, can't be beat. So what I meant as a rant, let me knew as say, The Lord is my rock and my strength. My stronghold and shepherd. My life and my lover. My savior and my God. Glory to Him who closes the mouth that wants to drop forth foolishness and instead fills it with praise. I will praise You in the storm. Because when my eyes are on You and i am in You, there is no storm that can take You away. 

Old things gone

The old is gone, so far away.

Today and tomorrow are not yesterday. 

The past is the past and it's not right now

So we can't go back. No way, no how. 

The past may have good, bad, and ugly,

But we each change, even daily. 

So think of the good and smile, sure,

But don't ever think, " I'll go back to her"

We are new, we are being made new. 

Like each morning, the morning dew. 

It's not the old stuff; it's slightly changed

This very life has been rearranged. 

So don't worry and try to go back,

Because time just doesn't work like that. 

Move forward into the present and future

Holding onto our Father and our Creator. 

Jonah's song

So many things You have taught me Lord
So many trials You have brought me through.
How many times have I left Your herd?
How many times have I hurt You?

Through every season You lead the way
Even when I am stubborn and drag my feet
I know that You speak. I just need to obey.
Go to ninivah and new people I will meet.

To tell of Your love and mercy and grace
I should not run away or try to hide
But to them I should race and show them Your face
To bring into Your flock, Your body, Your bride.

Why do I fear to do what You say?
Make an excuse to go another place?
I know it is tough, but You made a way.
I need only to trust and seek Your face

So show me Lord so that I might obey
Show me I plead as I long to please You
Show me where to go and give the words to say
Let me honor You in all that I do.

surrender

Dear God, as I sit here wondering
When will I ever get my calling
I remember You have called us all
Into Your glorious presence and call
Us Your children that You love so dearly
So please Father God hear me clearly

I know I'm still holding on
to the things You have made gone.
You called me to surrender
But I hold on and remember.
I know I need to unclench these fists
To receive Your true gifts
But I'm still holding tight
I want this to be right

I feel so sure of what You said
But was it all just in my head?
If I knew it wasn't You
Would it change what I do?
Would I be able to sacrifice
And turn to virtue every vice

I know I'm still holding on
to the things You have made gone.
You called me to surrender
But I hold on and remember.
I know I need to unclench these fists
To receive Your true gifts
But I'm still holding tight
I want this to be right

Lord please open my hands
Take my dreams and all my plans!
Fill me with You, only You
Because You are everything it's true.
Lord please open my hands
Take my dreams and all my plans!
I give them all to You, my King
I give them all to You my King!

What do I really want?

 I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I knew what I needed. I thought I knew. I thought. When I didn't get something, I decided I wanted that, and then when I got that part, it didn't work out. I'm so confused!
I met a really great guy. Nearly everything I asked for. I was absolutely amazed. He bought me roses. Paid for out date. Called me "Pretty." Texted me sweet things. Due to previous encounters, I decided to give him the friend test. And HE decided to be out. Now i'm asking God , was it wrong to introduce a potential suitor to my closest friends?! I heard "number 8 13" and knew God had something to say.

Have the Levites stand in front of Aaron and his sons and then present them as a wave offering to the Lord. - Numbers 8:13

Well, seeing as one of those friends was actually named Aaron, this verse really stood out to me. The Levites had to stand before the man who was in charge.and then that man presented the.Levites to God.

It's important to test character. It's important to KNOW who you are getting. It's important that those who "know how it's done" have a say. It's important that those closest to God get a say in who gets to serve in the most intimate ways. It's important that my friends and family.get along with my potential suitor. And vice versa.

More important, it's essential that my suitor be able to be presented as an offering, a sacrifice, a present aroma to God

Awake oh sleeper!

The last two nights, I have dreamed dreams and been awoken in the night from them. For the first time in a long time, I can remember the dreams after waking up. For the first time in a long time, i was unable to sleep the whole night through. For the first time in a long time, I received a revelation in REM sleep.

Sunday morning, I awoke from a dream I recall vividly. I had just gotten married, but instead of being with my husband at the altar or in a get-away car, I was on a reason with my parents. On my way to see my husband? I recall that being my thought in the dream, but I cannot know for sure. In fact, I didn't even see my husband. I awoke before he appeared.
What does this mean? Other than "i'm obsessing about being married"? could it possibly be "i'm not ready to leave my parents and cleave to my husband"? Could this be God telling me, "look, I know you have this desire. But you are not ready yet."?

This morning, Sunday into Monday,  I awoke once, unable to discern why, around 2. Then I awoke again at 3:47. (I was more awake at this time due to the nightmare)

In this particular dream, only one part is vivid. And that is the part where the school teacher is performing a treatment (for lack of better word) that is MY job to preform, to my client. In this nightmare, I look with horror as the teacher, untrained for this specific and sterile procedure, is preforming this task without gloves. Not only is she doing the task of the private duty nurse, she is doing it without proper equipment!!!
The revelations with this dream were many, but this is the gist: we all have a role to play in life. Our life. And others lives. When we attempt to do something that is not our role, we can cause the person who's role it actually is to be very angry. And we often don't use the right tools/equipment nor have the correct training for it. I think, I'm not 100% certain, but I believe, that God is telling me in this dream to stop trying to fulfill the roles of others. He has given me my role. I know what it is. He has trained me in it. He has given me the appropriate tools. I need to do my role, not others.
I need to do my role-my role is to be a helper, a servant, an assistant. My role is a supporting one. So I must support. When I don't, others will. And they weren't equipped to do it the way I was.
I need to not do others' roles. So often I have wanted to head a bible study, small group, run this ministry or that. But now I have realized that that isn't my role. To do that is to take a task from someone who IS called and  equipped to do it. Instead, I need to support them. In this, I am fulfilled and so are they.

God still speaks through dreams. Are we still listening? What is your role? Are you doing it? What are you attempting to do but failing at because it's not your role? Just because you have a passion for something doesn't mean there is only one role in it. Figure out your role and DO IT!

Getting what you want from God

Its quite simple actually.
Step 1-want. Can be $, power, a relationship, job, anything. Just want.
Step 2-reconize the want. Realise that you actually want it. Admit it in your head and heart
Step 3-give it to God. Show Him that He is more important by surrendering that want to Him. Tell Him you want it, but that you know and trust that HE KNOWS WHAT'S BEST. (NOTE: THIS IS THE HARDEST STEP. We may think we have done this, but God sees the heart and knows whether we have completed this step or not.)
Step 4-ask Him for what you want. If after you gave it to God, you still want it, ask Him for it. He will either give it to you or change your want.

Make a joyful noise

When alone, I love to sing. I sing loud and passionately. I do not, however, sing well. I have been called tone deaf by many people, and those are the people I cannot sing my heart out around. Interestingly enough, singing, although I'm not talented in it, is a part of who I am.
I love to sing. My favorite songs to sing are worship songs, or any kind of song that I can relate to. It is a way I communicate my feelings and thoughts. It is my way of sharing my heart and my mind, my soul and my spirit. For me to not be able to sing in front of someone, because I am ashamed of how terrible I sound or they say I sound, is to not be able to be authentic.
The Bible says to make a joyful noise to the Lord. This is my command, my instruction, and my life. I will make a joyful noise to the Lord. I will sing with my whole heart to praise Him. I will sing a new song to Him. I will sing. I may not sing well, but I must sing. I must make a joyful noise.

wanted a song

I remember the day we first met
I wondered how lucky i'd get.
Would there ever be a chance for me
And you forever to be?
As we continued each day
To learn about eachother and say
We think this can work so let's try
I was so happy I could almost cry

So I wanted to write you a song
I wanted a song for you came along
A song to tell you how happy I am
To be yours and start planning a fam

But of course I was moving too fast
And we know great things don't always last
So you and I drew further apart
And there were days I lost your heart
And you wanted to date t swift just so
She could write a breakup song (so low)

So I wanted to write you a song
you wanted a song all along
So you broke my heart
And gave me a start

To write this stupid little song
Was all you wanted all along
You just wanted a song
To be as famous as king kong
Well you were the king of my heart
Until you tore it all apart
So how do you like your song
The breakup song you wanted all along

I just used Shazam to discover Lessons Learned by Carrie Underwood. http://shz.am/t42933233

Faith

There is a song i REALLY love called "Keepin' me guessin'" by Francesca Battistelli (Attached here ). It inspired this post where i talk about "knowing" where God is leading me (and then realizing i DONT and He just wants me to realize that HE has it and i don't need to "figure it out")

It's fun to be at this place with God
where He like to keep me on my toes
I think i know which way we are heading,
and i may not like it, but then it goes

Right when i get used to the new normal,
thinking I'll be alright, and He's got a plan,
He turns the tables around again, and i get more
more than i thought i could ask from His hand
But He just shows me He's in control, not me
and now i know that is the very best place
the best place, forever, to be.

So as the time keeps passing on so fast
i wonder if i will ever learn
that i cannot outthink God, not even based on past
Though for His wisdom i will yearn.

It's a great place to be, really
to know that the God of the universe knows better than me.
To know that i don't always know how it turns out
and He can turn into a smile my pout.
It's a faith journey i travel along
and my assumptions may be right or wrong,
but in the end i must trust God's got a plan
that i don't need to over-think and understand

Faith isn't trusting we go where we want,
or even trusting our logical hunt.
Trusting that God has a plan and it is good
and walking in it the way we should.
that's the faith i'm learning these days,
to trust God in ALL His ways.
To know that what i see may be wrong
and i am never too far gone.

Insecurities

Insecurities. We all have them. It's just to what extent, how many,and how good we are at hiding them that differs from person to person. In our insecurity, we run from something and to something. We run away from what is making us insecure and to something that gives us security. For some, it is drugs, alcohol or cigarettes. For others it's sex. For others it's food. For others it's friends or family or gossip or internet or sports... For me, I am CHOOSING to let my God and Savior be my "go-to guy." For me, it is not about going to a false sense of security. Oh no. From now on I am running straight into the Everlasting Arms, the only Security that is Truth. So long insecurity, I got my Rock to cling to!

Getting your heart back from "the one who got away"

There is this idea, this concept if you will, in love, lust and things like lunchmeat called "the one who got away." This character can be dealt with by one of two ways: dwelling on it and q chances at relationships with any other, or letting go (or as I have put it in this blog, "getting your heart back from the one who got away." This blog will deal with the latter.

Now, this situation can come about many ways. Either you loved someone who never loved you, or you loved someone who decided at some point they no longer love you. Either way, your heart is broken because someone you gave your heart to stomped it to pieces on the ground.

Gee, thanks for reminding me, you may be thinking. You are welcome. Because that is the first step in getting your heart back:
1) REALISING THE OBJECT OF YOUR OBSESSION DOESN'T LOVE YOU BACK. Ouch. I know it hurts, but only until you move onto the next part.
NOTE :steps  2 and 3 may come in the following order, at the same time, or reversed.
2)SEE HOW IT WOULD HAVE BEEN IF THEY WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU BACK.
For some, this may mean you muster up the guts to ask them out. Who knows? Maybe they want you after all.
For others, this will involve a little creativity and a whole lot of honesty. Think it through. Did their parents hate you? Did they have a cat that always attacked you? Did they like scary movies but you can't stand them? Did they want 384 children and you weren't even sure you wanted one? Really think it through. There's usually a pretty good reason for it not working out.
For others, and facebook is great for this, it wil be helpful to see how this person is acting in a current relationship. Is she so happy she can barely contain herself from writing all over his wall, hourly? Is he not responding to her? (And therefore wouldn't have responded to you). Are they getting in fb fights? (the same you would have had). Have they joined accounts? (seriously, at this point you know you can't have this one's heart and that should just make it easy to let go). And this brings me to my personal favorite....
3) LOOK AT YOUR OWN BF/GF! If you have been so blessed/lucky to be with another person while still "in love" with someone else, FOCUS ON THEM! What better way to learn that you don't need "oh-whats-her-face" than to learn what a great new woman you have! Instead of thinking how one turned you down, think of the one who said YES! Instead of trying to win the heart of someone who isn't there, focus on keeping the heart that is there.

Well folks, it's that easy. All ideas are from personal experience, and have helped me immensely, as I can type this saying that I do not hold out for anyone but my own boyfriend. I'm done letting my heart break because a boy won't like me back, and the only man worth the struggle of love is Matthew Anderson Brown!

HOw do i start?

So many thoughts running through my head....where do i start? do i start with the fact that EVERY DAY since i returned to USA from Kenya, i have been asked at least once, "when are you going back?" Do i start with how it breaks my heart to say, "i don't know....whenever God says so."

Or perhaps i start with how my cell phone has finally broken and now i am completely cellularless for the next couple days? Do i start with explaining how freeing and beautiful it has been? How stressful  and convicting?

Or maybe i should start with how blessed i am to be finally dating the man of my dreams. How he came into my life when i least expected and i still am amazed hearing his voice call me babe?

Or should i start with how my friendships have evolved and those that were away came back, those that were stayed, and more were added? How i don't know how to keep up with everyone, but i pray for each daily?

Speaking of prayer, should i start with a prayer of adoration. How amazed i am at my God and the great things HE is doing in my life and the lives around me?

Instead of starting with any of these, in stead of going into depth, I will say only what i've said. If you want to know more, feel free to ask. At this point, I am simply overwhelmed by God's work in my life and am excited to see what each new day brings.

Forgive me Lord

Forgive me Lord for the times I doubt
Tossed from wave to wave, about and about
Forgive me Lord for not trusting Your plan
When I know the best place is right in Your hand
Forgive me Lord because now I can see
Just how good Your times and plans are for me!
Forgive me Lord when I went my own way
But I praise You Lord for saving me today!
Each day You show just a enough of Your plan
To keep me guessing and hoping I can.
But in the end when i see what You've done
I'm sure I'll be glad this guessing game You've won
I could never plan as great as You do
What to do or where to move.
Forgive me Lord for trying too hard
To get what I want and losing my guard.
Forgive me Lord for sinning against You
And knowing that it's not what I want to do.
Forgive me Lord for the motives of my heart
When they are not of You, but full of dark.
Forgive me Lord, and renew my mind
Let me respond with love and be kind
Forgive me Lord, and save me now
And find me always saying "wow"

In Awe of What God is Doing in My Life

I've been in this place of awe before. Of looking at what God has done and going, "WOW!" It's not uncommon for me to tell God, "You absolutely amaze me!" But never so much as lately. And never so much in my own life. For those that know me best, you know the things i have been praying for and wanting for awhile. You know what are big things to me. You know what USED to be big things are sometimes replaced as time goes on.
When i first graduated nursing school, my plan was get hired in a hospital and work 12s and get married to an engineer or something else to give me a "comfortable" life. HAHAHAHA! God told me, though i didnt know it at the time, "I have better plans than that." Instead of being hired in a hospital, i was hired for a position at a residential pediatric facility. The 12 hour night shifts, 5 days a week, up to 17 days in a row kept me from hearing His voice...until one day i started cutting back with work and increasing my hours with friends, and eventually, God.
With less hours and more time at home i decided to start working on learning how to be a wife from the best example i had closest to me. My Mom. I told her i wanted to help her make dinner, cook, clean, everything. But that didnt last, and many times when she told me she was making something and would teach me, i would be "busy."
Fast forward about 3 years, and now i am making meals, cleaning, and helping take care of my 5 nieces and nephews. I'm working in homecare, but still working for the Lord. I'm plugging into people at church and work and attempting to show Christ and His love everywhere i go. God has become the most important part of my life, and with focusing on Him, He helps my will conform to His. To learn what it means to live in the role i am called into. To learn to be the best young adult woman living for Him i can. But also to prepare to be a wife and mother, when He says so. This is the first time i am actually paying attention to what this means, and can i just tell you, it is FUN!

I have learned, that truly,

 "For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
    the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold
    from those who walk uprightly" (Psalm 84:11)

and 

If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! (Matthew 7:11)

and

Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4)


I did not KNOW what good gifts He could give and what my heart was truly desiring until i met Him and let Him lead me. He shows me that He knows my heart even better than I do. Though i made my plans, i had not known that being a pediatric homecare nurse is so satisfying and perfect for me, at least at where i am in life now. He knew that all those others that i would chase were wrong and that He had so much better if i would just run to HIM. Now that i have, I have security and safety in my LORD GOD, who is my Sun and my Shield, Rock and Redeemer, Husband and King.

Everything failed without Him. Everything that was just good, not great, and just ok, not right, for me failed. He protected me from so much heartache, and now i have nothing to do but praise and worship Him. Because He is GOOD. And i am seeing that no good thing will He withhold when i am walking in His path.

Dear God, let me always continue in Your path. To walk in righteousness and not let my feet go to the right or to the left. When i start to wander, God i pray that You 'bind my wandering heart to Thee!' Thank You for all of the wonderful gifts You have given, are giving, and will give. I love You. In Jesus' name, Amen!"

We walk away, God doesn't

So I kept hearing that God will never abandon me, never leave me, never stop loving me. i believed it, to a point. but deep down, i
just didn't know if it was true. I accepted it as truth, but didn't really believe it. Kind of like, "exercise is a good thing." I knew in my head it was true, but my heart couldn't quite "get it." Then I cried out to God to show me, to show my heart what this means. And, true to Who He Is, He show me He did.

It is never God who turns His back on us. Jesus took that punishment on the cross. But that doesn't mean we don't turn our backs on God.

Ok, so you knew that already? Congrats. You are ahead of me in this. When I realised this, and really BELIEVED it deep in my heart I found such comfort....and shame. All those times when I felt far from God, I was walking away. Maybe I wasn't blatently sinning, but in a way, I was turning my back on the only One who will ever be able to love me fully. Wow. This hit me like a ton of bricks. Nothing like the realization that I'm walking away from my True Love and that He will never leave me....now I just pray I never walk away again.

The gap between the real me and ideal me

I'm not yet who I want to be,
But I am who I am, now, this is me
I want to grow, and grow I do,
But much too slowly I fear it's true.
I know what needs to change
And I know the change means pain
But I also know pain is not harm
And through the change I'm in Your arms.
I desperately want to be who You desire
To live for You, Your ways are higher.
But then You remind I am who I am now
And You are using me, someway, somehow.
You remind me that there are many seasons
That I will go through, for many reasons
And even when I feel so useless, You find ways
To use me and will continue, each one of my days.