Insecurities

Insecurities. We all have them. It's just to what extent, how many,and how good we are at hiding them that differs from person to person. In our insecurity, we run from something and to something. We run away from what is making us insecure and to something that gives us security. For some, it is drugs, alcohol or cigarettes. For others it's sex. For others it's food. For others it's friends or family or gossip or internet or sports... For me, I am CHOOSING to let my God and Savior be my "go-to guy." For me, it is not about going to a false sense of security. Oh no. From now on I am running straight into the Everlasting Arms, the only Security that is Truth. So long insecurity, I got my Rock to cling to!

Getting your heart back from "the one who got away"

There is this idea, this concept if you will, in love, lust and things like lunchmeat called "the one who got away." This character can be dealt with by one of two ways: dwelling on it and q chances at relationships with any other, or letting go (or as I have put it in this blog, "getting your heart back from the one who got away." This blog will deal with the latter.

Now, this situation can come about many ways. Either you loved someone who never loved you, or you loved someone who decided at some point they no longer love you. Either way, your heart is broken because someone you gave your heart to stomped it to pieces on the ground.

Gee, thanks for reminding me, you may be thinking. You are welcome. Because that is the first step in getting your heart back:
1) REALISING THE OBJECT OF YOUR OBSESSION DOESN'T LOVE YOU BACK. Ouch. I know it hurts, but only until you move onto the next part.
NOTE :steps  2 and 3 may come in the following order, at the same time, or reversed.
2)SEE HOW IT WOULD HAVE BEEN IF THEY WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU BACK.
For some, this may mean you muster up the guts to ask them out. Who knows? Maybe they want you after all.
For others, this will involve a little creativity and a whole lot of honesty. Think it through. Did their parents hate you? Did they have a cat that always attacked you? Did they like scary movies but you can't stand them? Did they want 384 children and you weren't even sure you wanted one? Really think it through. There's usually a pretty good reason for it not working out.
For others, and facebook is great for this, it wil be helpful to see how this person is acting in a current relationship. Is she so happy she can barely contain herself from writing all over his wall, hourly? Is he not responding to her? (And therefore wouldn't have responded to you). Are they getting in fb fights? (the same you would have had). Have they joined accounts? (seriously, at this point you know you can't have this one's heart and that should just make it easy to let go). And this brings me to my personal favorite....
3) LOOK AT YOUR OWN BF/GF! If you have been so blessed/lucky to be with another person while still "in love" with someone else, FOCUS ON THEM! What better way to learn that you don't need "oh-whats-her-face" than to learn what a great new woman you have! Instead of thinking how one turned you down, think of the one who said YES! Instead of trying to win the heart of someone who isn't there, focus on keeping the heart that is there.

Well folks, it's that easy. All ideas are from personal experience, and have helped me immensely, as I can type this saying that I do not hold out for anyone but my own boyfriend. I'm done letting my heart break because a boy won't like me back, and the only man worth the struggle of love is Matthew Anderson Brown!

HOw do i start?

So many thoughts running through my head....where do i start? do i start with the fact that EVERY DAY since i returned to USA from Kenya, i have been asked at least once, "when are you going back?" Do i start with how it breaks my heart to say, "i don't know....whenever God says so."

Or perhaps i start with how my cell phone has finally broken and now i am completely cellularless for the next couple days? Do i start with explaining how freeing and beautiful it has been? How stressful  and convicting?

Or maybe i should start with how blessed i am to be finally dating the man of my dreams. How he came into my life when i least expected and i still am amazed hearing his voice call me babe?

Or should i start with how my friendships have evolved and those that were away came back, those that were stayed, and more were added? How i don't know how to keep up with everyone, but i pray for each daily?

Speaking of prayer, should i start with a prayer of adoration. How amazed i am at my God and the great things HE is doing in my life and the lives around me?

Instead of starting with any of these, in stead of going into depth, I will say only what i've said. If you want to know more, feel free to ask. At this point, I am simply overwhelmed by God's work in my life and am excited to see what each new day brings.

Forgive me Lord

Forgive me Lord for the times I doubt
Tossed from wave to wave, about and about
Forgive me Lord for not trusting Your plan
When I know the best place is right in Your hand
Forgive me Lord because now I can see
Just how good Your times and plans are for me!
Forgive me Lord when I went my own way
But I praise You Lord for saving me today!
Each day You show just a enough of Your plan
To keep me guessing and hoping I can.
But in the end when i see what You've done
I'm sure I'll be glad this guessing game You've won
I could never plan as great as You do
What to do or where to move.
Forgive me Lord for trying too hard
To get what I want and losing my guard.
Forgive me Lord for sinning against You
And knowing that it's not what I want to do.
Forgive me Lord for the motives of my heart
When they are not of You, but full of dark.
Forgive me Lord, and renew my mind
Let me respond with love and be kind
Forgive me Lord, and save me now
And find me always saying "wow"

In Awe of What God is Doing in My Life

I've been in this place of awe before. Of looking at what God has done and going, "WOW!" It's not uncommon for me to tell God, "You absolutely amaze me!" But never so much as lately. And never so much in my own life. For those that know me best, you know the things i have been praying for and wanting for awhile. You know what are big things to me. You know what USED to be big things are sometimes replaced as time goes on.
When i first graduated nursing school, my plan was get hired in a hospital and work 12s and get married to an engineer or something else to give me a "comfortable" life. HAHAHAHA! God told me, though i didnt know it at the time, "I have better plans than that." Instead of being hired in a hospital, i was hired for a position at a residential pediatric facility. The 12 hour night shifts, 5 days a week, up to 17 days in a row kept me from hearing His voice...until one day i started cutting back with work and increasing my hours with friends, and eventually, God.
With less hours and more time at home i decided to start working on learning how to be a wife from the best example i had closest to me. My Mom. I told her i wanted to help her make dinner, cook, clean, everything. But that didnt last, and many times when she told me she was making something and would teach me, i would be "busy."
Fast forward about 3 years, and now i am making meals, cleaning, and helping take care of my 5 nieces and nephews. I'm working in homecare, but still working for the Lord. I'm plugging into people at church and work and attempting to show Christ and His love everywhere i go. God has become the most important part of my life, and with focusing on Him, He helps my will conform to His. To learn what it means to live in the role i am called into. To learn to be the best young adult woman living for Him i can. But also to prepare to be a wife and mother, when He says so. This is the first time i am actually paying attention to what this means, and can i just tell you, it is FUN!

I have learned, that truly,

 "For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
    the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold
    from those who walk uprightly" (Psalm 84:11)

and 

If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! (Matthew 7:11)

and

Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4)


I did not KNOW what good gifts He could give and what my heart was truly desiring until i met Him and let Him lead me. He shows me that He knows my heart even better than I do. Though i made my plans, i had not known that being a pediatric homecare nurse is so satisfying and perfect for me, at least at where i am in life now. He knew that all those others that i would chase were wrong and that He had so much better if i would just run to HIM. Now that i have, I have security and safety in my LORD GOD, who is my Sun and my Shield, Rock and Redeemer, Husband and King.

Everything failed without Him. Everything that was just good, not great, and just ok, not right, for me failed. He protected me from so much heartache, and now i have nothing to do but praise and worship Him. Because He is GOOD. And i am seeing that no good thing will He withhold when i am walking in His path.

Dear God, let me always continue in Your path. To walk in righteousness and not let my feet go to the right or to the left. When i start to wander, God i pray that You 'bind my wandering heart to Thee!' Thank You for all of the wonderful gifts You have given, are giving, and will give. I love You. In Jesus' name, Amen!"

We walk away, God doesn't

So I kept hearing that God will never abandon me, never leave me, never stop loving me. i believed it, to a point. but deep down, i
just didn't know if it was true. I accepted it as truth, but didn't really believe it. Kind of like, "exercise is a good thing." I knew in my head it was true, but my heart couldn't quite "get it." Then I cried out to God to show me, to show my heart what this means. And, true to Who He Is, He show me He did.

It is never God who turns His back on us. Jesus took that punishment on the cross. But that doesn't mean we don't turn our backs on God.

Ok, so you knew that already? Congrats. You are ahead of me in this. When I realised this, and really BELIEVED it deep in my heart I found such comfort....and shame. All those times when I felt far from God, I was walking away. Maybe I wasn't blatently sinning, but in a way, I was turning my back on the only One who will ever be able to love me fully. Wow. This hit me like a ton of bricks. Nothing like the realization that I'm walking away from my True Love and that He will never leave me....now I just pray I never walk away again.

The gap between the real me and ideal me

I'm not yet who I want to be,
But I am who I am, now, this is me
I want to grow, and grow I do,
But much too slowly I fear it's true.
I know what needs to change
And I know the change means pain
But I also know pain is not harm
And through the change I'm in Your arms.
I desperately want to be who You desire
To live for You, Your ways are higher.
But then You remind I am who I am now
And You are using me, someway, somehow.
You remind me that there are many seasons
That I will go through, for many reasons
And even when I feel so useless, You find ways
To use me and will continue, each one of my days.