Last Post before Kenya/Letter to God

Dear God, You are completely good, and perfect, and just, and holy. Your Word tells me that You have good plans for me, and that all things will work out together for the good. You also tell me that i will suffer. and if i suffer for You that is a good thing. Help make me more mature and complete. And i know i have been asking You to make me more mature and complete, and to use me and let me share in Your sufferings, but really? You think i can handle all this? You know i cant. You know this is the tipping point and there is no other place i can go but to You and Your arms. And i thank You. And i praise You. That though this has been the hardest couple weeks of my life, that though You are taking EVERYTHING i once held dear away, i know YOU are in control and You are GOOD! I know that this trial i am in is not because You hate me, but that You discipline those You love.That those who join in Your suffering will also join in Your righteousness. and for that reason i count each insult, each jab, each hurt as gain.

This world has nothing for me i will follow YOU! Right into Kenya...

If you read this, please pray that God continues to mature me, but that i will be able to endure, keep my focus on Him and not lose faith hope or love....thanks and much love!

Victory in Christ-the CBAs

It's the best, most freeing and real thing I've ever felt. Better than appreciation, hardwork, food, sleep.com ANYTHING! Its funny, because God really does like to do things "backwards" from our human thinking.
First we have to C victory in Christ. C it exsists, c it in our life.
Then BELIEVE. Believe it can happen for us, that we can feel it and that it is there even if we Don't feel it. Believe that we HAVE victory in Christ bc HE SAID SO
Lastly, ACT in a way that shows you c and believe in victory in Christ in your life!

:)

Freedom has never felt this free before. Praise God for this level of freedom!

Flowers of differing stages

So I saw this branch on my table at valley forge park.  I noticed 2 flowers on it, but when I looked closer, I also saw 2 buds. Each of these four stages of "new growth"(one of my mom's favorte phrases:)) was slightly different from the next. First, look at the beautiful flower. Its perfect, compared to the other flower at least. The other flower looks either old or eaten up. But if the other flower was not on the branch, would we know what the flower was supposed to look like? Maybe I would have not noticed the rest of the branch....the buds. One is starting to bloom, but still not quite like the beautiful flower. Looking closer, there is also a fully closed bud with no flower yet showing.

This, along with all of my encounters with john 15, led me to wonder which stage of bloom I am in. Surely I am not yet the perfect beautiful flower, but am I the tattered flower? Have I bloomed only to be eaten by satan? No, because tho I have my moments of doubt, i am not torn apart. am i
not yet bloomed? a mere bud? and yet, there can be fruit/Flowers seen in
my life.

later, after this above post,i saw a case for sale with a tree with roots and heartsas flowers. it immediately reminded me of Jeremiah 17:8 & psalm 1:3..which i have now put on the case as well as John 15. all good reminders to what fruit i am growing and where my roots are. :)

Tired of fighting-only HE has the power

I'm so tired.
Tired of the fight
Of running from Your Light
And running from True Life.
I'm tired of my flesh controlling
And my soul not patroling
My soul asleep in the midst of the war
Cannot protect, so my heart is torn

I'm tired of the arguements
Of lies and untaken hints
So tired of trying to prove right
That you've wronged me in my sight
That you don't know the Truth that you do
And so, again, I have lost you.

I'm tired of the manipulation,
Trying to control every relation.
Playing mind games to "win" their love
When all I want is the One Above.
Using whatever I can to gain a "friend"
Only to find it didn't work in the end.

I know I'm the wrong in each situation
Because I'm so tired of being alone.
But do I prefer the confusion and chaos
Or can I finally see that I am not lost?
That Your hand guides along still waters
And I will rejoice with your other daughters.

I keep striving and going and reaching
Keep yearning and learning and teaching.
But the problem through it all is the me and the I
Because now I know that You are the only guy
Who can do all I fail to do, Jesus alone! Not me
And He doesn't even need my help, its not we.

In His power alone I get through the day
Rise up on wings like eagles as they say.
But it is all His power within me
That produces anything of beauty
So why try and yearn and strive
When all I have to do is abide

God, thank You for showing me this throughout the events of the day. That everything in and of my self is utterly worthless, but in every area that You have restored, redeemed, renewed, there can be good to spring out, but only in Your power. Apart from You I am nothing. Let me ever abide in You. Let me never lose my sight of the Vine nor the Vinedressor. Let my fruit be ever ripening and the pruning well worth the trouble and pain. In Jesus's name alone, where there is the power to change all things, amen.

Confirmation that i am not supposed to tell everyone everything

Beth moore's morning and night devotional confirmed that which I felt God teaching me, a simple lesson to remind me that He alone is God. Jesus Christ is the ONLY only OnLY human that I could possibly tell everything to, to trust completely to never harm me, to know how to respond to my every thought and emotion. I'm learning more and more why it is called a PERSONAL relationship w Jesu Christ.

Styrofoam, a mug, and china

Some may regonize the title as a title of a chapter in Dannah Gresh's And The Bride Wore White. So here I am, 23 years old, single, and I'm trying to be the china....

For those who don't know, styrofoam cups are those use once at a picinic type cups that are great when you don't want a cup you really have to take care of. And some girls put themself out to appear to be just that to guys. Something to use when you need something quick but don't want to take care of it.
A mug is nicer, something that may have some sentimental value to you, so you take care of it, but if it breaks, though you may be sad (and upset at the mess you have to clean up), but you can buy another similar mug, or even just use one of your other mugs.
But a china cup....that's something passed down for generations, has stories behind it, is stored in a place for all to see and few to touch...if that breaks or gets lost,that is a real tragedy. China is more expensive, harder to find the "right" pattern and all around more precious.

I know that I have previously been a mug, and even a styrofoam cup in the way that I portrayed myself, acting and talking as something less than the daughter of a righteous King. So now, when I finally decide to be that china cup, that rare, hard to find, have to work for, woman of God, I realise something else about china. It's rarely bought.

Though having a boyfriend didn't prove that I was doing this right (but breaking up with them all proved I was doing it wrong), there were few times in the past couple years where there wasn't a guy pursuing me. And now, when I'm showing that I am a worthy, cherishable, sturdy woman, the suitors have fled (puns anyone?;))

I know I should be glad, because it gives me time to work on myself and my relationship with God and other people, but sometimes I do get bummed. Just to catch someone's eye, to have a man decide I am worth the "hassle," to captivate with the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit....that I have yet to do. And that is the man I'm waiting for.

Why do I worry that my "prince charming" has not come yet when I have not full blossomed into the china yet? And why do I worry that he will not notice me, when I pray daily that God will open his eyes to me? This is a hard, slow, painful transformation for this cup, but I'm done with styrofoam and mugs, time to be china! <3

Why i believe in entire sanctification

so a lot of people ask me what church i go to, why i became a member and what it means to be a nazarene. entire sanctification is one of the distinctions, and i really don't know why people have a problem with it. in my opinion, i don't think i.would be able to be a Christian if i didn't believe in entire sanctification. what is the point of new life if you can't actually BE new?
as a Christian, to inherit eternal life, we must be born again, as Jesus told Nicodemus. Without being born again, regenerated, new, transformed, metamorphosis, etc, where is the eternal life? and if we are transformed only a little, what is the point? if Jesus can't take away ALL the sin, then how am i really believing He is all powerful? i am not sure i could commit to or would want a god who isn't all powerful, able to remove ALL sin, including original, which its what entire sanctification is about. it's not saying it's immediate, guaranteed, or easy. it's that it is possible and Jesus is perfect enough, God is gracious enough, and the Holy Spirit is powerful enough to give this "Christian perfection" when He wants, to whom He wants, and for however long He wants.

if you don't agree, please explain to me why not. maybe i'm just an idealist, but i really do believe we, as Christians, CAN BE PERFECT, but that it is not of us, but of God, a second grace that i pray i receive.