Mid-month realizations.

So i was talking with a friend last night, and we both just completely opened up and the Spirit of God was upon us both. My friend spoke words that he did not know he was speaking and it was completely evident that it was not him speaking, but God speaking through him to make me see how broken and bruised i am. This is a very personal post, so please read and respond in love.
Since i was young, about 14, i longed to be loved by a man. I met a man (older, yet he was still a boy) who i fell for and when he told me his baggage i cried out to God asking Him why he has chosen a husband for me who had not waited for me. This was a constant struggle in my walk with Christ. I believed the lie that satan told me that i was not worthy of a man of God, who was equally yoked and as obedient as i had been. We broke up and i figured this was the reason all my future relationships failed, because this man had ruined me. and yet, when i remembered the next big relationship, centered on God, i also was brought back to the pain that was me, in my insecurities and desire to be loved and cherished, leading the relationship in the ways of the world instead of allowing the man to lead in the ways of Christ. This is the pattern that followed.
I would live for God and be His child, and i would meet a man who was a child of God as well. We would have incredible spiritual chemistry and the relationship was wonderful. But at some point i stopped being the woman and i would take the lead, leading us to the ways of the world. My heart cries with the realization that it was always my fault, it was always ME LEADING our relationship into sin....
this has lead me to believe that my new-found desire to be a wife and a mother (as in, i JUST started wanting kids about a year ago...) is a desire that will never be fulfilled. I need to kill this dream. It is not important, only Jesus is. I cannot be a slave to both Him and the world, so i choose to be a bond slave of the Lord Jesus Christ, sacrificing my dream of ever having a relationship leading to marriage.
i know that in my own desires i will not have a successful relationship. I know now that i must give all authority to Jesus and not try to take the lead. I will let the Christ-loving man that i am attracted to lead us in the light of the LORD and no longer be a Jezebel. i cannot keep running in circles and trying to please man. It's a chasing after the wind. I will only aim to please Jesus. With this as my only goal in life, i trudge forward, relying on Him for all comfort and love and joy and peace and truth.