(WARNING THESE NEXT COUPLE PARAGRAPHS ARE A TIME LINE, IF YOU JUST WANT THE REFLECTION WITHOUT THE BACKGROUND,
GO TO THE 5th PARAGRAPH)
Not many know this, but i was supposed to get married today. Senior year in high school i was dating a man. A mutual friend introduced us. We started dating Dec 16, 2006, got engaged Dec 23, 2007 and broke up some time in the spring of 2008. We had set the date for our wedding to be Oct 10, 2010 because i love numbers and he wanted to get married in the fall and we wanted me to have my RN and a full-time job. I dont really remember what happened in the months after the break up. I think i recall still seeing him a few times, but i know the last time i talked 2 him we were disconnected from the phone and when i called back his friend picked up and basically cursed me out and told me to leave my ex alone.
i spent my newly found "free time" working like crazy and a friend from work brought me to a church group for college-aged kids in the summer of 2008 . I immediately fell in love and realized how important my faith is to me. i put my free time back into God and the church, and in October met a guy who i dated for almost a year and a half, "knowing" that it was God who brought us together since neither of us were looking for relationships but had an indescribable connection. I figured we would get married. He figured we would just see what happens. How did that last a year and a half? (LOL sorry, i just think it's funny looking back).
So at this point, i was devastated to have lost yet another "future husband" but i was working on being content being single again. i was looking to God to fill me and sustain me. Life was fine. Sure i still would have loved to be getting married and having someone to love and love me, but i had my friends and they were my everything. i let go and let God. Then i met another man.
we met up to discuss a sermon, not to fall in love. but, as irony would have it, fall in love we did. this began the most intense relationship i have had with a potential husband. the bond we created was so strong that i can only explain our relationship as intense. It was on fire for God, encouraging one another, reading books exploring God together. It was a good relationship...and tho the word intense may have bad connotation, there is just no other way to explain that except intense! But how long can a fire stay that strong surrounded by lakes and firefighters....
So in the last 4 years of my life, i have only been single or in non-serious relationships for six months....just realizing this today and it just hit hard. that's 7/8 in relationship, 1/8 not, for FOUR YEARS!? Do i not know how to be single? do i take every slightest possibility and take it as a "sign" that i am supposed to be with that person? maybe i do. i really do wonder if that was all it was....and yet, i just cant let go....but is that because i dont know how to be single and it scares me to be single so i stay in relationships even when they are not right? But i dont think i am supposed to be single. i can only see myself as being married. i have so much love to give, how can i not share it? and i know there is the sharing love as a friend or mentor and nurse...but it is not the same.
is it bad to have not been single for more than 6 months total in the last 4 years, and yet having 3 serious relationships? :-/ when i say it that way i deserve a "Here's Your Sign!" 3 SERIOUS relationships in 4 years?! REALLY!? ugh....So here is your chance. Tell me, please, good friends and viewers, what do you think? Do i need to have a "year of singleness" and just stick to it, no matter what? Maybe then i can truly discern who and when is right better than just taking every connection as a sign that HE is the one...So here we go.
As of 10-10-10, i will:
1-not be in an exclusive relationship (meaning i can go on dates but not give away my heart/expect that they are The One)
OR
2-not even go on a date
OR
3-just keep doin what im doin (allow myself to fall in love)
for one whole year.
COMMENTS PLEASE!!!!
One more note-While i was focusing on God and living for Him, he brought in 2 of the men (the last two mentioned). At each time for that specific man, i believed that God had given this man to me for my future spouse. It became the focus and took away from God. what happened was i started loving the gift more than the Giver...
ReplyDelete(thanks for pointing this out, you know who you are :))
I will take that as one for #2-Not even go on a date
i think its great you've realized this and just keep listening to God. He'll lay it all out as time allows. No need to get so wrapped up in the idea of "the one". a friend once said to me: "don't look for the right one, be the right one and you'll find the right one"
ReplyDeleteFocus on how God sees you and who you are in Him and what He has for you. He will guide you on the path and satisfy your thirst. Become confident and secure in yourself as a child of the living God of the Universe, and know that no matter what He is with you and loves you so dearly, so much as to give His son's life for you. Now that's love!
ReplyDeleteYou found God, but get to know Him. Understand what He has for you. Do not worry about tomorrow, but focus on today and the gift God gave you. However, focus more on the Giver than the gift.
Wow, this story sounds so familiar. As we have talked about, God does not have a person picked out for each person. He has not created equal men to equal woman, so these ‘future husbands’ you find, were never really husbands, but idols in your life. I know this, because I did the same thing. I begged for God to let me keep these idols, but yet God still said to me “I Have A Better Plan!” What is your better plan? We’ve talked about this, to be successfully happy, is to be successfully single. You agreed yourself that you know when your ready to be married by not needing to be married. Besides being single has so many advantages, when done right….which neither of us know how to do :-/
ReplyDeleteFrom someone who was married, ask yourself this:
+Why do you want to be married? Because your family is married, because your parents are happily married, because you think it will take away the loneliness, because that person can give you affirmations?
+If you have love to give, how much volunteer work have you done? How much love have you given to the Church of Christ?
+Perhaps this is a great topic to bring up with your mentor?
+I truly think that you need to follow Christ and if a relationship is taking you away from God (time, temptation, etc) then you need to change that relationship.
+Stop looking for the One, and look for the One who already gave His life for you.
Wow, looking back i just saw these comments! thanks everyone! :)
ReplyDelete