It's odd, i think, that i am writing this, but hey, that's probably the point. I never have been really good at giving any kind of introduction to anything i have to say so i might as well get on with it. So i have been "officially" single for a year. I honestly dont know when the last time was that i had a whole year of "singleness" (read-"no boyfriend to call my own"). Maybe when i was 14 or so? and now i am 23. Wow...this is just an odd situation to be in. and yet, i find peace. So many times in my life i had yearned for a man, just to make me feel important and special blah blah blah...but it's true. It's how i felt. i didnt see the purpose in myself as a single woman, as a human, complete without another. This past year has grown me and shown me what it is to be complete.
I am complete, in Christ. He is the only man that i NEED to love me to make me complete. when HE has me completely, and i am completely in Him, i do feel complete. I am whole. I do not need another man to make my life here on earth worth it-Jesus Christ did that for me. Without Him, i am nothing. With Him, i can do all things :) I have become more confident in myself, in not needing a man to make me happy, or to keep me from being bored, or even as someone to show affection to. I am so completely happy spending time with my girlfriends and other friends from church, reading, knitting, exercising...it's crazy really, how much i have changed. I have a guinea pig that is so loving and affectionate. I hold him or hug my parents and friends, and that is enough for me. I dont need to be kissing a man that calls himself my boyfriend, nor have someone to drag to family functions with me. I am content being single. Goodness gravy! that is probably the first time i have been able to write that truth. Life is exactly where i am supposed to be right now with the people i am supposed to have. It's absurd, really, for me to think this way because i have grown up my whole life wanting a man.
that's not to say that i dont WANT a boyfriend, that i wouldnt be excited if a man i was interested in asked to spend more time with me, just means that i am not searching, not yearning, not struggling to be with a man (ANY man). I've raised the bar, id like to think. I know what i want and i know who i am. Well, im still learning i guess. How much can one really learn in just one year...
Showing posts with label singleness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label singleness. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Sunday, October 10, 2010
10-10-10....a reflection on love
(WARNING THESE NEXT COUPLE PARAGRAPHS ARE A TIME LINE, IF YOU JUST WANT THE REFLECTION WITHOUT THE BACKGROUND,
GO TO THE 5th PARAGRAPH)
Not many know this, but i was supposed to get married today. Senior year in high school i was dating a man. A mutual friend introduced us. We started dating Dec 16, 2006, got engaged Dec 23, 2007 and broke up some time in the spring of 2008. We had set the date for our wedding to be Oct 10, 2010 because i love numbers and he wanted to get married in the fall and we wanted me to have my RN and a full-time job. I dont really remember what happened in the months after the break up. I think i recall still seeing him a few times, but i know the last time i talked 2 him we were disconnected from the phone and when i called back his friend picked up and basically cursed me out and told me to leave my ex alone.
i spent my newly found "free time" working like crazy and a friend from work brought me to a church group for college-aged kids in the summer of 2008 . I immediately fell in love and realized how important my faith is to me. i put my free time back into God and the church, and in October met a guy who i dated for almost a year and a half, "knowing" that it was God who brought us together since neither of us were looking for relationships but had an indescribable connection. I figured we would get married. He figured we would just see what happens. How did that last a year and a half? (LOL sorry, i just think it's funny looking back).
So at this point, i was devastated to have lost yet another "future husband" but i was working on being content being single again. i was looking to God to fill me and sustain me. Life was fine. Sure i still would have loved to be getting married and having someone to love and love me, but i had my friends and they were my everything. i let go and let God. Then i met another man.
we met up to discuss a sermon, not to fall in love. but, as irony would have it, fall in love we did. this began the most intense relationship i have had with a potential husband. the bond we created was so strong that i can only explain our relationship as intense. It was on fire for God, encouraging one another, reading books exploring God together. It was a good relationship...and tho the word intense may have bad connotation, there is just no other way to explain that except intense! But how long can a fire stay that strong surrounded by lakes and firefighters....
So in the last 4 years of my life, i have only been single or in non-serious relationships for six months....just realizing this today and it just hit hard. that's 7/8 in relationship, 1/8 not, for FOUR YEARS!? Do i not know how to be single? do i take every slightest possibility and take it as a "sign" that i am supposed to be with that person? maybe i do. i really do wonder if that was all it was....and yet, i just cant let go....but is that because i dont know how to be single and it scares me to be single so i stay in relationships even when they are not right? But i dont think i am supposed to be single. i can only see myself as being married. i have so much love to give, how can i not share it? and i know there is the sharing love as a friend or mentor and nurse...but it is not the same.
is it bad to have not been single for more than 6 months total in the last 4 years, and yet having 3 serious relationships? :-/ when i say it that way i deserve a "Here's Your Sign!" 3 SERIOUS relationships in 4 years?! REALLY!? ugh....So here is your chance. Tell me, please, good friends and viewers, what do you think? Do i need to have a "year of singleness" and just stick to it, no matter what? Maybe then i can truly discern who and when is right better than just taking every connection as a sign that HE is the one...So here we go.
As of 10-10-10, i will:
1-not be in an exclusive relationship (meaning i can go on dates but not give away my heart/expect that they are The One)
OR
2-not even go on a date
OR
3-just keep doin what im doin (allow myself to fall in love)
for one whole year.
COMMENTS PLEASE!!!!
GO TO THE 5th PARAGRAPH)
Not many know this, but i was supposed to get married today. Senior year in high school i was dating a man. A mutual friend introduced us. We started dating Dec 16, 2006, got engaged Dec 23, 2007 and broke up some time in the spring of 2008. We had set the date for our wedding to be Oct 10, 2010 because i love numbers and he wanted to get married in the fall and we wanted me to have my RN and a full-time job. I dont really remember what happened in the months after the break up. I think i recall still seeing him a few times, but i know the last time i talked 2 him we were disconnected from the phone and when i called back his friend picked up and basically cursed me out and told me to leave my ex alone.
i spent my newly found "free time" working like crazy and a friend from work brought me to a church group for college-aged kids in the summer of 2008 . I immediately fell in love and realized how important my faith is to me. i put my free time back into God and the church, and in October met a guy who i dated for almost a year and a half, "knowing" that it was God who brought us together since neither of us were looking for relationships but had an indescribable connection. I figured we would get married. He figured we would just see what happens. How did that last a year and a half? (LOL sorry, i just think it's funny looking back).
So at this point, i was devastated to have lost yet another "future husband" but i was working on being content being single again. i was looking to God to fill me and sustain me. Life was fine. Sure i still would have loved to be getting married and having someone to love and love me, but i had my friends and they were my everything. i let go and let God. Then i met another man.
we met up to discuss a sermon, not to fall in love. but, as irony would have it, fall in love we did. this began the most intense relationship i have had with a potential husband. the bond we created was so strong that i can only explain our relationship as intense. It was on fire for God, encouraging one another, reading books exploring God together. It was a good relationship...and tho the word intense may have bad connotation, there is just no other way to explain that except intense! But how long can a fire stay that strong surrounded by lakes and firefighters....
So in the last 4 years of my life, i have only been single or in non-serious relationships for six months....just realizing this today and it just hit hard. that's 7/8 in relationship, 1/8 not, for FOUR YEARS!? Do i not know how to be single? do i take every slightest possibility and take it as a "sign" that i am supposed to be with that person? maybe i do. i really do wonder if that was all it was....and yet, i just cant let go....but is that because i dont know how to be single and it scares me to be single so i stay in relationships even when they are not right? But i dont think i am supposed to be single. i can only see myself as being married. i have so much love to give, how can i not share it? and i know there is the sharing love as a friend or mentor and nurse...but it is not the same.
is it bad to have not been single for more than 6 months total in the last 4 years, and yet having 3 serious relationships? :-/ when i say it that way i deserve a "Here's Your Sign!" 3 SERIOUS relationships in 4 years?! REALLY!? ugh....So here is your chance. Tell me, please, good friends and viewers, what do you think? Do i need to have a "year of singleness" and just stick to it, no matter what? Maybe then i can truly discern who and when is right better than just taking every connection as a sign that HE is the one...So here we go.
As of 10-10-10, i will:
1-not be in an exclusive relationship (meaning i can go on dates but not give away my heart/expect that they are The One)
OR
2-not even go on a date
OR
3-just keep doin what im doin (allow myself to fall in love)
for one whole year.
COMMENTS PLEASE!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)