One year...

It's odd, i think, that i am writing this, but hey, that's probably the point. I never have been really good at giving any kind of introduction to anything i have to say so i might as well get on with it. So i have been "officially" single for a year.  I honestly dont know when the last time was that i had a whole year of "singleness" (read-"no boyfriend to call my own"). Maybe when i was 14 or so? and now i am 23. Wow...this is just an odd situation to be in. and yet, i find peace. So many times in my life i had yearned for a man, just to make me feel important and special blah blah blah...but it's true. It's how i felt. i didnt see the purpose in myself as a single woman, as a human, complete without another. This past year has grown me and shown me what it is to be complete.
I am complete, in Christ. He is the only man that i NEED to love me to make me complete. when HE has me completely, and i am completely in Him, i do feel complete. I am whole. I do not need another man to make my life here on earth worth it-Jesus Christ did that for me. Without Him, i am nothing. With Him, i can do all things :) I have become more confident in myself, in not needing a man to make me happy, or to keep me from being bored, or even as someone to show affection to. I am so completely happy spending time with my girlfriends and other friends from church, reading, knitting, exercising...it's crazy really, how much i have changed. I have a guinea pig that is so loving and affectionate. I hold him or hug my parents and friends, and that is enough for me. I dont need to be kissing a man that calls himself my boyfriend, nor have someone to drag to family functions with me. I am content being single. Goodness gravy! that is probably the first time i have been able to write that truth. Life is exactly where i am supposed to be right now with the people i am supposed to have. It's absurd, really, for me to think this way because i have grown up my whole life wanting a man. 
that's not to say that i dont WANT a boyfriend, that i wouldnt be excited if a man i was interested in asked to spend more time with me, just means that i am not searching, not yearning, not struggling to be with a man (ANY man). I've raised the bar, id like to think. I know what i want and i know who i am. Well, im still learning i guess. How much can one really learn in just one year...

My values//puttin it all in perspective

In my sunday school/small group/whatever you wanna call it today my pastor gave us the homework of putting together a list of our values and how we measure up to them. Hit me like a ton of bricks that i should have had this done already. Do i really need to think what my values are? Do i really not know them completely? Yikes.

Holiness. Being "set apart" from the world. Choosing what is of God over what is of me.
Purity. Having no blemish. Being washed pure as SNOW by the BLOOD of Jesus.
Righteousness. right-standing with God. feeling no shame in His presence
Honor. Sticking to your values. (i guess that includes knowing them...)
Unity. Peaceful living. Agreeing in the same Spirit with those who follow Jesus.
Honesty. Truth. Not hiding the real or trying to confuse people but to open their eyes to understand.
Love. Putting others above myself. Not using them for my gain.
Wisdom. Knowing what God desires and putting it into action at the right time.
Endurance. Perseverance. Not giving up.... 
Patience. Knowing that it may take a while and enduring that...(they that wait upon the LORD...)

Perspective-in keeping my focus on the cross, i see that loneliness is not a four-letter word. Just because my best friends are out doing other things without me doesnt mean i can mope around missing them. I should be praying for them. i should be working on my relationship with Christ and keeping my values. Solitude is not a bad thing. Loneliness is a choice, and i will choose solitude over loneliness.

The coolest bad day ever!

It starts out with me being tried in the old way. Temptation coming in the same fruit on the same tree. It's a comfort food, really, this fruit. i may say no a little while, but i eventually give in because i know what it is like. I enjoy it. it feels good on my lips and warms my belly. However, i know that God said not to eat of it, so as i read His Word i decide in my heart mind and soul to obey.
In the morning, i chose to sleep in just another 10 minutes, which really for me consists of laying in bed thinking, "ok so i have to do this, that then this. i need to pee. what day is it? i wish i could sleep for another ten minutes. oh nuts here goes the alarm" Mom and Dad made me oatmeal and coffee. That was nice of them. In order to have time to eat and drink it, i forgot my 5 min devo for the day.
As i drive to work, i spill my coffee twice. I look to the sky. Not anything as spectacular as i had been seeing lately but still a nice sunrise. reminded me of God and i thought how upset i was to have not gotten into His word yet.
At work i arrive just on time. Pulseox works perfectly and gives a great reading. Great start. this NEVER happens! Thanking God.
On the bus i am overwhelmed with a hunger for God and praising Him as the sunrise is looking more glorious than earlier. singing "Blessed"( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-cQxxRdkO0 )  though the only part that i could remember was "who's hearts are stayed on Our God" so i just HAD to find the Bible verse about it. Isaiah 26:3 proved very essential to me today. I sent it to various friends and they responded it encouraged them. Hm. blessings are not just for ourselves but to encourage our brothers and sisters. Check. :)
At school, lots of yelling. Big argument. Though i was not involved, i was in the room and you know how i get. Talked to my kid to try to keep him to focus on me instead of the yelling (didnt realize until the ride home the irony. "keep looking at me, listen to me, dont focus on the bad stuff goin on around you....Isaiah 26:3....). after it quieted down, temptation in the way of that same fruit reappeared. My nerves are still crazy at this point and i cant think about anything but what is going on in the classroom. i pray. i read some scripture. i watch like a hawk. Encouragement from a sister in Christ. some relief in the anxiety. another sister is put on my heart, to ask for her help in my struggle with the fruit as she had suggested i do. this is the second time God put her on my heart for this. i figured He did great with the song, i better trust Him with this too.After i text her i feel better. I have the strength to again say no to the beautiful fruit.
On my way home, the sister i texted responded. 1 cor 10:13. When i got home to look at the devo, guess what the verse was. Yep. 1 cor 10:13. And the armor of God. (one of my memory verses). standing firm now with my armor on. ready to endure.
At home, the fruit is again calling me to it. This darn fruit. i know it is yummy! i saved room in my belly for it. i prepared to get messy when i eat it. But i must say no. i will not eat from that tree! simply because i have died to myself. it is now Christ who lives in me.
Spent time with family and decided to exercise. Verse to motivate is 1 cor 9:27 "No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize." Alas, i must beat my body by not allowing it to eat this forbidden fruit. i am stayed on Christ and already committed in my mind,but the body is weak (Matt 26:41, Mark 14:38).

So although the day was horrible with the stress of an argument and the war of the flesh vs spirit, it was totally cool. God reminded me again that when i see the beautiful sunrise how much more glorious it is in Kenya. He gave me words to look up what He had to say to me. He used those words to speak to others. He encouraged me at work. He gave me a trial to grow my faith. He gave me a way out of temptation. My God never fails, and as long as "i keep my heart chasing after {Him}" (Building 429) I can endure and find peace!

Random thoughts since last post

So for those of you who have been wondering what i'm thinking lately, here are some of the thoughts that i wrote down at various times. I'll see if i can bring them together somehow.

"The Twilight Saga is almost over, but the True Saga is Eternal, have you read it?" or SAGA-Story About God Almighty.  Thought of these two phrases for shirts or a picture, just to get the word out? and make the design like the Twilight books (haha) or something to get their attention. Any artsy people out there wanna make this happen? ;)

Jesus HIMSELF is the greatest blessing.  This thought came as i was thinking (as i have a LOT lately) about how when we seek God, we find Him. and He wants us to seek Him and walking with Him brings such joy....but i was just thinking that all those verses where it is talking about good gifts that God gives us and wanting to give us the desires of our hearts, that's HIM! If we are desiring something MORE than God then we are not loving HIM with ALL of our hearts souls minds strength. Also, when in Luke 11 Jesus gives the example of a father giving good gifts, He refers to God giving us His Holy Spirit. That is the most precious gift.
The other part of this thought was, Once we realize this, AND we ONLY look and aim for more of HIM will we be able to receive and ENJOY, truly appreciate, the other blessings God wants to give us! And we wants to give us a lot of blessing here too! The blessings He pours out on us are not only for our enjoyment, but also for the enjoyment of others and a way of bringing God the glory! Always thank Him for His blessings/gifts He gives. His mercies are new every morning. That is a beautiful blessing because how often do we need those mercies? Every morning. God is so good, He knows what we need and wants to bless us!

another thought was taken from Radical by David Platt. Following Christ means saying "yes" before you know what you are saying yes to. When we are truely following and seeking and walking with God, HE comes first. Nothing else matters but what HE wants. So no MATTER what He wants, we will say YES.
Build an arc because you are gonna bring this thing called a flood on the earth and i dont even know what rain is? YES-Noah
Sacrifice my only child when i am well past the age of having children and you promised me to have many children? Yes-Abraham.
Walk up to that river and walk through even though it is overflowing?-YES-Moses
Walk around this fortified city with all these weapons pointed at us? YES-Joshua
Marry the prostitute? YES-Hosea
BUY back my wife the prostitute?-YES-Hosea
Marry this woman who is claiming to be with child through the Holy Spirit? YES-Joseph
Give up my PERFECT life and die a horrible death to save people that hate me? YES-Jesus

I've found that the bigger your faith in God, the bigger the miracles. God wants to continue to grow our faith in Him. To do that, He gives us opportunities to increase His faith, opportunities where God HAS to do it. Opportunities where we look like a FOOL if He DOESN'T do it. But we must have faith that He will. And He does. That's what saying yes to God is all about.

God's Grace and Glory

The more I learn about God, through studying His Word, and what others have learned through it as well, i realize just how vital these two words are in a Christian's vocabulary. God's grace and glory are two terms that are so hard to put words to, and yet we can feel so intimately and deeply. Grace, yes there are MANY songs sung about it, and rightfully so! How true it is that "oh to grace how great a debtor daily i'm constrained to be" (come thou fount) and "grace my fears relieved"(amazing grace)! What a revelation, what a promise, what a RISK! God's grace is given to us through His Son, our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. Now, i know that was a lot of words but each is so paramount to WHO He is. It is by His grace that we are saved, and not by works so no man can boast!

1. Acts 15:11
   No! We believe it is through the grace of our Lord Jesus that we are saved, just as they are.”
   Acts 15:10-12 (in Context) Acts 15 (Whole Chapter)
2. Ephesians 2:5
   made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.
   Ephesians 2:4-6 (in Context) Ephesians 2 (Whole Chapter)
3. Ephesians 2:8
   For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—
   Ephesians 2:7-9 (in Context) Ephesians 2 (Whole Chapter)
4. 2 Timothy 1:9
   who has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time,
   2 Timothy 1:8-10 (in Context) 2 Timothy 1 (Whole Chapter)
   
   God's Glory. Wow. just to type it gives me chills. His amazingness, that we are in awe of, that we just want to gaze at and long for...now this is something that we do not get to see fully here in these earthly bodies. we see only a part of Who He is and just how great He is. We cannot fathom this greatness of Our God. Who He is and all He has done...we just don't GET it all. It's too much, it's too big. 
   ^{Psalm 139:6} Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
      too lofty for me to attain.
   And it's all for HIS GLORY. We aren't SUPPOSED to get it all here. All wisdom is His to give: to whom, when, where, how, how much, where, and why. And this is the beauty of it, is that when He gives this wisdom to those He chooses, He gains glory for His name, just as He intended! Wow.
   
   In thinking in these ways, in terms of God's glory and God's grace, there really IS no fear in this world! When i live it is by His grace and for His glory. When i get my way, it is by His grace and for His glory. When i face trials it is by His grace and for His glory, and when i die it will be by His grace and for His glory. All my mistakes, however large or small, have brought about His glory an His grace. It is by His grace that i am no longer enslaved by sin! It is for His glory that He has set me free from the grasp of Satan! And when i am tempted to fall again, it is His grace that lifts me out, for the Glory of His Name. I don't know about you, but i think it's just beautiful!
   
   Whether God sends me to Kenya on this internship or not, my sole purpose is in glorifying His name, and depending on His amazing grace. When He sends me, He will keep me safe by His grace so that i may glorify His name, in whatever way He is most glorified.

The change in me

Lost in a downward spiral
trying to be the coolest girl
wanting to please any man
in any way that i can
just to feel loved and alive
but each moment i would die.

momentary pleasure for lasting pain
this memory would be my gain
nothing new or better would come
and I'd be left just feeling dumb

As i've grown over the years
and spilled way too many tears
being used is not my purpose
i am not a target for curses

Jesus showed me a better Way
that i am loved, every day,
i'm not a toy that can be thrown
or traded away for another loan

i dont need to let you have me
you no longer get to use me
how much simpler it would be
if you could just see this change in me

i do not run to your arms
that promise love and bring me harm
you tease and test and hurt me all day
and then say sorry like it takes it away

no! im done! you cant have me any more!
though you hold on tight, i'm running out the door
i don't need your kiss to tell me im important
and i am tired of you telling me that i cant

you dont own this heart, though you once did
i am no longer yours on whom to bid
i don't want that life anymore, i am NEW
so away from me with your evil spew!

i want to live righteously in Christ
and not have my heart by sin be diced
Please, friends, see the change in me!
and do not think i am who i used to be!

Don't keep me down in my past by bringing it up
remember and remind me i've drank Christ's cup!
i no longer choose that sin that ensnared me so!
so when you see it creep near me, please tell it to GO

i long to live as new as can be
oh can't you see this change in me?
i feel it in my heart, it's true!
but why oh why wont you?

yes i still struggle and hurt inside
but each new day i no longer hide
Jesus saves me from my sin
for whenever i fall, His grace rushes in

so please forget the old that you knew
she doesn't exist, she is made new!
notice this change in me
and hold me to it, to be all i was made to be

Last Time

Where does it start,
in the soul, mind or heart?
This love I have for You--
oh how I wish it was more true!
That with every breath and beat,
my soul for You would leap,
that of my sin i would weep,
and not plunge into the deep!
But alas how my heart is deceived!
How often Your grace I've received!
I fall down and You pick me up.
I say, "Last time! I've had enough!
I'll never go back to that sin!"
But I know my futures' dim
when I say, "it was the last time"
but have not repented in my mind.
It's like a cycle that never ends
but keeps on, a twist in the bends
"Last time!" again I cry,
"Just once more before I die!"
But each time is killing me,
even though I cannot see.
This last time it is to be true--
this sin I will no longer do!
I am done with saying "I'm done!"
but still living just to have fun.
This life is not my own,
and Your light in me has shown.
I've put it out for the last time--
from now on I'll let Your love shine!