So i was talking with a friend last night, and we both just completely opened up and the Spirit of God was upon us both. My friend spoke words that he did not know he was speaking and it was completely evident that it was not him speaking, but God speaking through him to make me see how broken and bruised i am. This is a very personal post, so please read and respond in love.
Since i was young, about 14, i longed to be loved by a man. I met a man (older, yet he was still a boy) who i fell for and when he told me his baggage i cried out to God asking Him why he has chosen a husband for me who had not waited for me. This was a constant struggle in my walk with Christ. I believed the lie that satan told me that i was not worthy of a man of God, who was equally yoked and as obedient as i had been. We broke up and i figured this was the reason all my future relationships failed, because this man had ruined me. and yet, when i remembered the next big relationship, centered on God, i also was brought back to the pain that was me, in my insecurities and desire to be loved and cherished, leading the relationship in the ways of the world instead of allowing the man to lead in the ways of Christ. This is the pattern that followed.
I would live for God and be His child, and i would meet a man who was a child of God as well. We would have incredible spiritual chemistry and the relationship was wonderful. But at some point i stopped being the woman and i would take the lead, leading us to the ways of the world. My heart cries with the realization that it was always my fault, it was always ME LEADING our relationship into sin....
this has lead me to believe that my new-found desire to be a wife and a mother (as in, i JUST started wanting kids about a year ago...) is a desire that will never be fulfilled. I need to kill this dream. It is not important, only Jesus is. I cannot be a slave to both Him and the world, so i choose to be a bond slave of the Lord Jesus Christ, sacrificing my dream of ever having a relationship leading to marriage.
i know that in my own desires i will not have a successful relationship. I know now that i must give all authority to Jesus and not try to take the lead. I will let the Christ-loving man that i am attracted to lead us in the light of the LORD and no longer be a Jezebel. i cannot keep running in circles and trying to please man. It's a chasing after the wind. I will only aim to please Jesus. With this as my only goal in life, i trudge forward, relying on Him for all comfort and love and joy and peace and truth.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
"Back to December"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjar7np_wuE&feature=topvideos
(the vid is to "Back to December by Taylor Swift," a song that just showed up again on my youtube list that i heard before.....and now it brought back the same emotions and thoughts....but also some new ones...here is the new thought, the ones that matter)
One of my "fb friends" (she is a real friend too, but just havent seen her in awhile, anyways) had a question up of "if you could time travel where would you go?" At first i didnt think much of it. Then i heard this song. First thought was to remember what it meant to me first: that i left a man that loved me more than i have ever felt. Newest realization, i left him more than once. I can't "go back to December" bc "December" was, well, according to him, about every two weeks.....So every two weeks I'm singing this song of coming back, but then leaving again. (Unfortunately, when i listen to Swift i remember all the good in him.....) This is the same old realization about this song.
The new realization is the reason for the post. How often is this how we treat Jesus? He gives all His love ("you gave me roses n i left them there to die"is such an illustration! Remember the cross? the crown of thorns....where He died.....but that was Him giving ALL for us....and how many just throw away that beautiful gift He gave us!) So Jesus did all of these wonderful things for us, and we take it for granted. then, when we realize how much He did for us, we wish we could go back in time and devote ourselves to Him sooner! My younger friends, PLEASE see this. I wish i would have realized this when i was younger. This is key. Your testimony is STRONGER when you STAY closer to Jesus! Let me say it again. You do not need to commit a "big" sin to have a good testimony! If you read about Paul, He uses the "human argument" and explains how if there was a person that lived right it was him. And yet he considered all his works NO GOOD compared to JESUS! Even if you think you lived too perfect of a life to be a testimony for Jesus, you are not! you still need Him and your testimony is still good! You get to say, "look, see the terrible things God has protected me from! I never was thrown into jail for stealing, never been bankrupt from gambling...." and look at all of the promises and good things God has in store for those that obey Him and follow Him! Heaven will be so sweet for those who turn their lives over to Jesus!
And for those that HAVE been thrown into jail for stealing, been bankrupt from gambling....Jesus came to cover that sin! He came so that you will not be eternally damned for it! yes you have your consequences, as we all do, but Jesus lets you live forever with Him! how wonderful! all you must do is repent, which simply means admit you did it, admit it was wrong, ask for forgiveness, and turn away from it. stop doing it. Stop saying "i wish i could go back to December and not **insert sin**" time and time again. i say this to myself as well, stop continuing in the ways of evil, for i am no longer in bondage to my sin nature, i can chose to turn away from it! "So this is me swallowing my pride, saying i'm sorry for that night" and then STOP running away from Him.
Ironically, in the middle of writing this blog, i wrote a song about this because i had a realization that my relationship with Christ parallels with my relationship with man in this way.
(the vid is to "Back to December by Taylor Swift," a song that just showed up again on my youtube list that i heard before.....and now it brought back the same emotions and thoughts....but also some new ones...here is the new thought, the ones that matter)
One of my "fb friends" (she is a real friend too, but just havent seen her in awhile, anyways) had a question up of "if you could time travel where would you go?" At first i didnt think much of it. Then i heard this song. First thought was to remember what it meant to me first: that i left a man that loved me more than i have ever felt. Newest realization, i left him more than once. I can't "go back to December" bc "December" was, well, according to him, about every two weeks.....So every two weeks I'm singing this song of coming back, but then leaving again. (Unfortunately, when i listen to Swift i remember all the good in him.....) This is the same old realization about this song.
The new realization is the reason for the post. How often is this how we treat Jesus? He gives all His love ("you gave me roses n i left them there to die"is such an illustration! Remember the cross? the crown of thorns....where He died.....but that was Him giving ALL for us....and how many just throw away that beautiful gift He gave us!) So Jesus did all of these wonderful things for us, and we take it for granted. then, when we realize how much He did for us, we wish we could go back in time and devote ourselves to Him sooner! My younger friends, PLEASE see this. I wish i would have realized this when i was younger. This is key. Your testimony is STRONGER when you STAY closer to Jesus! Let me say it again. You do not need to commit a "big" sin to have a good testimony! If you read about Paul, He uses the "human argument" and explains how if there was a person that lived right it was him. And yet he considered all his works NO GOOD compared to JESUS! Even if you think you lived too perfect of a life to be a testimony for Jesus, you are not! you still need Him and your testimony is still good! You get to say, "look, see the terrible things God has protected me from! I never was thrown into jail for stealing, never been bankrupt from gambling...." and look at all of the promises and good things God has in store for those that obey Him and follow Him! Heaven will be so sweet for those who turn their lives over to Jesus!
And for those that HAVE been thrown into jail for stealing, been bankrupt from gambling....Jesus came to cover that sin! He came so that you will not be eternally damned for it! yes you have your consequences, as we all do, but Jesus lets you live forever with Him! how wonderful! all you must do is repent, which simply means admit you did it, admit it was wrong, ask for forgiveness, and turn away from it. stop doing it. Stop saying "i wish i could go back to December and not **insert sin**" time and time again. i say this to myself as well, stop continuing in the ways of evil, for i am no longer in bondage to my sin nature, i can chose to turn away from it! "So this is me swallowing my pride, saying i'm sorry for that night" and then STOP running away from Him.
Ironically, in the middle of writing this blog, i wrote a song about this because i had a realization that my relationship with Christ parallels with my relationship with man in this way.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
it's always the same
God, I don’t know what I want. I just know what I am right now is not it. I am stuck in the middle and can’t make myself move. Am I so afraid of rejection so afraid of failure that I refuse to give my all one way or another? And yet I am so passionate I do push through everything to just be on the far right side and when I find that is not satisfying to my whole self, namely the left, I run to the left to satisfy that. Why am I such a yo-yo? A roller-coaster at least has twists and turns and sometimes a slower pace or shorter distance to the opposite side, but with me, its always the same. Its always, “im gonna give God EVERYTHING and just live for HIM and not care about what other people think!” but then im right back to “im lonely and God you aren’t here so I want something now” then realize that is not satisfying to my soul so I run to God and leave all people behind. I hate this back and forth, this constant battle, this constant struggle! It is not good for man to be alone, so why can I not find someone to join me? Is it that I myself am so annoying that those who are like-minded in Christ ignore that we are of the same Spirit so they do not have to associate with me? I wonder if the people that love me for me more are those who are not in love with Jesus…..isn’t that sad?
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