Everything Redeemed

Sitting alone thinking about you
Where this is going and can it be true
worrying why you havent called me yet
maybe this thing was only a bet
i let myself get caught up in lies
the deciever tries and shuts my eyes
i forget the purpose of this life
forget for what i am to strive
beliving the lies, angry i become
not testing the spirits to see from where they come
but then our communication frees me
and jaded no longer is how i see
lifting my thoughts to above this world
im lifted in my Father's hands and twirled
In His face i see and am reminded
Of the cross and all He did

I know i can be pouty drama Queen
But i am glad my King redeems
All my screw ups, mess up, failures,
Jesus' blood alone cleans and cures
Redeemed in His grace and mercy freeing
this self-centered baby i'm no longer being
i'm sorry for all the pain i caused
when instead i should have just paused
and taken a long deep look at my Savior
Instead of falling for Satan's great lure

Vanity, pride, self-centeredness, LIES
no longer who i am, all that has DIED
Redeem this life, Oh Lord of mine!
Redeem, restore, rebuild, remold
i want all of You in me be told
You strip away the old from new
and make me pure and clean like You
Redemption from all sins-I'm clean!
Help me to shine for You, to glean!
Take this old narsasistic heart
and with You give me a new start.
All this i pray for the glory of Your name
Jesus Christ, and for Your fame.

Praise to the Father and Praise to the Son
Praise to the Spirit, Three in One
For Redemption is come in Jesus
He is the One Who saves us
Praise God for infinite wisdom
And the furtherance of His Kingdom
You use the worst parts of me
to bring about my purity
you use the doubts to grow my faith
and of Yourself give me another taste
Using my weakness, you redeem
and make my failings work for Your Team
You alone are worthy of all praise
so i will die each one of my days


God has really shown me this week that He is able to redeem EVERYTHING. To bring about good from every situation, not just the good ones. Even when i fall, when i say something i shouldn't have, when i get caught up in wanting things my way, He redeems those moments and using them to bring about His glory. He revealed His grace and mercy in new ways, showing me that as much as i am fighting this one gift He has given me (because i feel unworthy of it one moment and want more of it the next), He knows what He is doing and IS indeed working it out for the best. He will get all the glory for whatever happens and i am GLAD because that is what my focus is for as well. This life is not to bring me glory, but for me to bring the One who is Worthy all the glory and honor! It is when i keep my eyes on THAT purpose, that goal, that i remember and feel complete. It is when i look to the Heavens that my sanity is restored (dan 4:34). It is when i look at what is going on in the big picture, and not looking at what satan wants me to see. Satan wants to distroy me so he will feed me lies. But i dont have to listen to him because i have the Truth hidden in my heart, as the person of Jesus Christ and as the Word of God written down in the Bible

Love Lessons

I am learning more and more each day what this LOVE is all about. And just as important, what it is not. God has been revealing so much to me this past month i am just shocked. Today when looking up the verses that say "everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial," I noticed a very important literary detail in that verse (which is actually found in 1 Corinthians TWICE-6:12( ¹² “Everything is permissible for me”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible for me”—but I will not be mastered by anything. AND 10:23(²³ “Everything is permissible”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible”—but not everything is constructive).)The detail i failed to notice before was the quatation marks. How foolishly i had previously allowed myself to dismiss them with no further thought. Until today, when i was seeking and God granted me a revelation. Previously, i had thought that it was Paul saying everything is permissible. With taking note of the quotation marks i see that he is citing it as another person (or people)'s words. Are these the words of Christ's disciples who love and cherish Him? or are they of the infants who have only begun to taste the freedom in Christ and choose to abuse it? The best way to use our freedom is in love. Because we are free, we are free to love and to be free from fear because THROUGH HIM we can do all things (phil 4:13), but if we are not going through Him (ie the truth, the Word, love), then what gain is there? Everything must be done in love. And what is this love? Well, I am learning these love lessons. 

John 15:13-Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. Putting others first is an act of love. To do that which is best for them, not to get any glory or any prize for yourself, but just to do it because you love them. To put your own wants and desires, even needs and very life aside for them. I am blessed to be beginning to learn this love with close friends. It is still a conscious choice to choose what is better for them over what i want, but THROUGH JESUS, i am making progress. No longer is it Becky making decisions for what is best for Becky, but Becky seeking God's answers to what is best for the ones i love and following through by the power of Jesus. 

I thought i knew what love was. I thought as long as i was happy and the object of my love was happy, that it was love. Now it is becoming clearer that the love that i experienced before was not for another person but for myself. I was focused on what i could get, how i felt, what i did. Love is not self-seeking (1 cor 13:5).  My focus needs to not be on me, but on the object of my love, whether it be my Savior or my brothers and sisters. How i can build them up. What they need. How to serve and bless them. 

These ideas of love and keeping my heavenly focus brought me to the following verse. Maybe it's just me, but i feel like my "life verse" changes with the seasons of life. All i know is that the following speaks to me in volumes. I identify with the King Nebuchadnezzar, who regained sanity when looking to the Heavens and glorified God. When i look up and refocus on Christ, i too get my sanity restored to me. And when that happens, oh yes, I praise His Holy Name!

Daniel 4:34
At the end of that time, I, Nebuchadnezzar, raised my eyes toward heaven, and my sanity was restored. Then I praised the Most High; I honored and glorified him who lives forever. His dominion is an eternal dominion; his kingdom endures from generation to generation

It is Jesus' blood that connects me to God's love :)

Elementary truth that hit me radically deeply last night. The only thing that can separate us from God is our sin. And as a Christian, Jesus' blood covers that sin, and therefore is our bridge back to being connected to God. It just hit me in such a way that i just had to share it. Maybe the way that is written speaks to you, maybe it doesnt, but that is how it hit me and when i think in that way, i know that this is why JESUS CHRIST is the most important in my life!

That being said, i find God has answered my plea to return to the place where HE is enough and i do not rely on a man or a job or a friend to provide the love and affirmation i desire and, yes, need. Recently i had lost my focus from about a month ago where i was completely complete in Christ. Somewhere along the way i remembered the world and lost sight of the only One who matters. God had the grace and mercy to bring back to feeling whole in Him. Praise Him for that! i pray to never go back to depending on anything but the One who created me for the affirmation and love that i require. Yes, it is nice to have love and affirmation from others, but what does it matter if the whole world loves me and Jesus is not in me?(Matthew 16:26 Mark 8:36 Luke 9:25) From now on, i resolve and pray to live fully relying on God for my purpose and worth!

Another thing that hit me, when thinking about the feet-washing, was the symbolism for the time period. They walked everywhere. Their feet were dirty. These things are pretty standard. But what about those commands about kicking the dust off your feet when you left an "evil" town or city? If you did not get that city's dust/dirt (analogy for sin?) off your feet where you accountable for that sin? Or even if you did shake it off, you were not COMPLETELY free from it until you washed your feet. Then Jesus washed their feet. Showing that HE is the one who wipes away the sin, the bad places you have been (sin, PAST in general). We may have walked on roads we knew were dirty and continued in them, or didn't know they were sin, or we knew they were dirty and ran right out of them. For all of these, Jesus washed our feet. He took away those sins. Washed. Clean. Humbling. Serving. And that we should do this for one another, to help each other get over our past, to be cleaned after being in the dirt (dark/sin). This could be an analogy for encouraging and building one another up, as well as keeping accountable.

Fruit of the Spirit

Why do i ever doubt Your unfailing love
Your peace that i see as a dove
The joy of You that fills my soul
Waiting patiently to find my Whole
For You oh Jesus are ever-kind
With the Father You are of One Mind
You show Your gentleness to each child
thank You for being meek and mild
To You, God, let me be ever faithful
and resist at each turn sin's strong pull
Self-controlled and good in all thiings
You are the Lord of Lord, King of Kings

thank You God for leaving us Your Holy Spirit
and all of the fruit that grow with it
help us to be more like You each day
and honor You in all we say
Live Your Spirit in us all now
For before You alone we will bow
Help us to feel and show this fruit
to show the Love and the Truth

God is teaching me daily these fruits that need to be cultivated and grown. Patience is so big for me lately it is driving me insane (so is self-control) but He is faithful (even when we are faithless!) and He is teaching me many things! Have you taken the time today to thank God for these gifts He placed in you? It makes you a much nicer person to be around. trust me ;)

out of the darkness into the light//Fave Verses for today

 I wanna see more You cuz I'm sick of more me

just wanna know when ill finally feel free

the darkness swallows me up inside

I feel my emotions like the oceans tide

drawing me deeper and further down

I can't catch my breath n kno I will drown

I need Your mercy to pull me up

I can no longer drink from this cup

I don't want to be given over to evil desire

I long to be refined in Your holy fire

to stop running away from Perfection

and look to You for my definition.

Turn the dark to light for me

I want to walk and to see

to follow Your will and obey Your commands

but I need desperately to be in Your hands

 

(Wrote that last night in bed on my cellphone as a text message to myself.  And to my best friend. The morning came with little relief so i cried out to God to give me a word because i needed so desperately His grace and mercy. He gave me Isaiah 30. He LONGS to be gracious to me?! He will!? And He guides my every step and turn! This was encouraging, but still not feeling myself. Best friend texted me and reminded me that i am not in the dark, as i have Jesus the light of the world, living in me. Though still feeling down, seeing John 8:12 as the first thing on my fb newsfeed was pretty remarkable and continued to bring me back to the light. How simple-just look to Jesus and follow Him and you will walk in the light!...then getting a text message with Jer 31:3 was amazing to remind me that God loves me! Yesterday a man reminded me that the Bible tells us not to worry. Today i remembered that it is the peace of God that will Himself guard our hearts....when we think on the things we are to think about and not be anxious (DONT WORRY!) and in EVERYTHING talk to God! Praises and requests, about EVERYTHING! So here are the verses. My prayer is that they will touch you in a special way as well!

 

V erses of the day:

¹⁸ Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
   he rises to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
   Blessed are all who wait for him!  ¹⁹ O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. ²⁰ Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. ²¹ Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” (Isaiah 30:18-21)

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." (John 8:12)

³ The LORD appeared to us in the past,^[a] saying:    “I have loved you with an everlasting love;
   I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
⁴ I will build you up again
   and you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel.
Again you will take up your tambourines
   and go out to dance with the joyful. ^{(Jeremiah 31:3-4)}

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
 ⁸ Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:6-8)

Beat down (rap)

Heavy chest and hard to breathe
close my eyes and hate what i see
the battle rages on tonight
but i will not give up the fight

feelin like i'm beat down
by chains im bound
but i know i am free
because of Jesus in me.

i feel the wieght of the war inside
it hurts so bad but i know why
You are preparing me for greater glory
and each pain is part of the story

even when im beat down
face to the ground
i lift my hands
to the Son of Man

Grace falls freely to my soul
as i feel Him make me whole
Binds up the wounds in my heart
because i know i did my part

i put this beat down
to stand my ground
encourage you to endure
because in Him you are secure

Exponential Growth

Stuck, frozen with fear
tight grip on all i hold dear
not willing to part with my stuff
not willing to let life get rough
never any changes or growth to be had
i was content being just a little bad
but then i saw the change in you
and something changed in me too
i felt more alive when i looked at the Word
and His voice i knew i heard.
He captured me anew with His life
and my greatest desire was no longer to be a wife
i started to truly see just how real Jesus is
bigger and better and wiser than this
my old ways fade away to something new
so be patient with me when i am trying with you
our struggles are long and hard i know
but it is Christ's love i'll try to show.
i know there are times i fail and fall
But i want to stand here by you through it all.
this change in me is slow but true
and it is inspired a lot by you.
So walk this path of exponential growth with me
and we will see just how good this can be.

Spirit-living-Today!

Cause and effect. It is something we learn early on in childhood, and continue to develop throughout our life. It's amazing when you add that level of spirituality to it where you KNOW that even within the laws of cause and effect, God is present and moving. I got to see some of that this week, especially today. Where to start! Honestly, i guess i would have to say this all started earlier this week, or even up to two weeks ago.
I had a choice to make. Either of the two options would be a great thing, but i chose the one that was out of my comfort zone. Either option i could get the notes from, but for some reason i just felt God calling me to the Autisim confrence. so i went. And God just opened my eyes and my heart so wide! i prayed for those that i would encounter, as well as my brothers and sisters in Christ who were on my heart. i prayed for wisdom, purity, guidance. I saw things that i thought needed change, so i prayed for Our God to have HIS will and way in our lives. Fast forward to today.

I knew it would be an important day, and maybe that was why i was so nervous and careful to pray constantly. Even a dream i had had warned me that i would have to make a choice and i resolved in my mind to chose God. I had a wonderful day at work that just encouraged me as an RN. I advocated for my patient. I was putting HIS needs before mine, as any good nurse would do but this time it really was a sacrifice on my part. No need to get into any more details other than to show that this was one step i took to say, "God, i know what i want, but i know that it is not the best. so i want what you want. i choose to desire YOUR will above mine." And it didnt turn out the way i wanted, but i was pleased because it was what GOD wanted. Oh, and he held my hand for a good half-hour or more. it was the sweetest thing...truely a gift from God

so i get home, and i am greeted with SMILES from my youngest niece who til this point has been scared of me. She actually LAUGHED and SMILED and was thoroughly enjoying me being home to play with her. I gave her kisses, tickled her, tried to hold her, and just enjoyed her innocence. Children really are such a blessing. I can still remember every smile and giggle and sloppy kiss (she's drooly, what do you expect?:)) She is truely a gift from God.

I had made plans to see a friend at that time, so while i hated to leave my sweet baby niece, i knew she had to nap soon anyway. so i left to see my friend. On the way, i prayed for patience and God's will. I prayed that i would stay away from sin and that my brothers and sisters would as well, as i often pray. I get to my friend's house and we have an awesome day, just enjoying God's creation and the beautiful day. I even took pictures of the sky (maybe more than i should have but i wanted the reminders!) Although temptation reared it's ugly head in different ways, i was able to resist the devil and he fleed (flew? fled?). (HOLY SPIRIT workin thru me-i could NOT have said no if it was me in my self!)

On my way home i was able to call a friend. I knew instantly that although she said she was fine, she was far from fine. I drove right over. The reason she had been upset was a reason that broke my heart, in a way that i had never felt before. i knew (this is the Holy Spirit's power here, by HIM ALONE did i know) that she needed me, that she needed to talk, that something big was going on. When she explained what it was, i was just in awe of how Our God works, for she was feeling just what i had prayed for her to feel and she was able to live in closer step to Jesus (and another believer!) because of it! DOUBLE WIN!

We were able to witness a beautiful event together, and while there, i met a young man with Asberger's (which is a form of autism, oh, also this week i watched a PHENOMENAL movie about autism called temple grandin-such a wonderful movie. stop reading this blog and go order it. seriously.) Ok, now that you bought the movie continue reading. So this young man, just blessed me so big just by being there. it was another way that God showed me, "look, yes, this is my child. These are my children. I love them. You love them to. I will use that love that we share for them to do great things, in their individual lives and collectively." You (the reader) may or may not think i am crazy for this, but when i do my master's thesis on something with autism and it gets published, just remember that it was GOD who said it would happen and GOD who did it through me. ok. so back to this blessing. I was able to talk to him. to calm him down. to help him feel comfortable in an overwhelming social situation. this blessed me because it showed me how God can work through me. Any help or guidance or love or anything positive he gained form tonight was THE WORK OF THE HOLY SPIRIT THROUGH ME.

The night continued as Satan attempted once more to cause me to sin. This time he laid a trap to shake my closest values, unity. He started out easy enough, with a friendly happy conversation with a good friend and sister in Christ. He quickly turned it though, so that anger and confusion and deception would leak in and ruin the wonderful night that the both of us had had. By the power of the HOLY SPIRIT, i was able to find these comforting words that i will leave you with.

Romans 12:17-19

 ¹⁷ Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. ¹⁸ If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. ¹⁹ Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”^[a] says the Lord.

One year...

It's odd, i think, that i am writing this, but hey, that's probably the point. I never have been really good at giving any kind of introduction to anything i have to say so i might as well get on with it. So i have been "officially" single for a year.  I honestly dont know when the last time was that i had a whole year of "singleness" (read-"no boyfriend to call my own"). Maybe when i was 14 or so? and now i am 23. Wow...this is just an odd situation to be in. and yet, i find peace. So many times in my life i had yearned for a man, just to make me feel important and special blah blah blah...but it's true. It's how i felt. i didnt see the purpose in myself as a single woman, as a human, complete without another. This past year has grown me and shown me what it is to be complete.
I am complete, in Christ. He is the only man that i NEED to love me to make me complete. when HE has me completely, and i am completely in Him, i do feel complete. I am whole. I do not need another man to make my life here on earth worth it-Jesus Christ did that for me. Without Him, i am nothing. With Him, i can do all things :) I have become more confident in myself, in not needing a man to make me happy, or to keep me from being bored, or even as someone to show affection to. I am so completely happy spending time with my girlfriends and other friends from church, reading, knitting, exercising...it's crazy really, how much i have changed. I have a guinea pig that is so loving and affectionate. I hold him or hug my parents and friends, and that is enough for me. I dont need to be kissing a man that calls himself my boyfriend, nor have someone to drag to family functions with me. I am content being single. Goodness gravy! that is probably the first time i have been able to write that truth. Life is exactly where i am supposed to be right now with the people i am supposed to have. It's absurd, really, for me to think this way because i have grown up my whole life wanting a man. 
that's not to say that i dont WANT a boyfriend, that i wouldnt be excited if a man i was interested in asked to spend more time with me, just means that i am not searching, not yearning, not struggling to be with a man (ANY man). I've raised the bar, id like to think. I know what i want and i know who i am. Well, im still learning i guess. How much can one really learn in just one year...

My values//puttin it all in perspective

In my sunday school/small group/whatever you wanna call it today my pastor gave us the homework of putting together a list of our values and how we measure up to them. Hit me like a ton of bricks that i should have had this done already. Do i really need to think what my values are? Do i really not know them completely? Yikes.

Holiness. Being "set apart" from the world. Choosing what is of God over what is of me.
Purity. Having no blemish. Being washed pure as SNOW by the BLOOD of Jesus.
Righteousness. right-standing with God. feeling no shame in His presence
Honor. Sticking to your values. (i guess that includes knowing them...)
Unity. Peaceful living. Agreeing in the same Spirit with those who follow Jesus.
Honesty. Truth. Not hiding the real or trying to confuse people but to open their eyes to understand.
Love. Putting others above myself. Not using them for my gain.
Wisdom. Knowing what God desires and putting it into action at the right time.
Endurance. Perseverance. Not giving up.... 
Patience. Knowing that it may take a while and enduring that...(they that wait upon the LORD...)

Perspective-in keeping my focus on the cross, i see that loneliness is not a four-letter word. Just because my best friends are out doing other things without me doesnt mean i can mope around missing them. I should be praying for them. i should be working on my relationship with Christ and keeping my values. Solitude is not a bad thing. Loneliness is a choice, and i will choose solitude over loneliness.

The coolest bad day ever!

It starts out with me being tried in the old way. Temptation coming in the same fruit on the same tree. It's a comfort food, really, this fruit. i may say no a little while, but i eventually give in because i know what it is like. I enjoy it. it feels good on my lips and warms my belly. However, i know that God said not to eat of it, so as i read His Word i decide in my heart mind and soul to obey.
In the morning, i chose to sleep in just another 10 minutes, which really for me consists of laying in bed thinking, "ok so i have to do this, that then this. i need to pee. what day is it? i wish i could sleep for another ten minutes. oh nuts here goes the alarm" Mom and Dad made me oatmeal and coffee. That was nice of them. In order to have time to eat and drink it, i forgot my 5 min devo for the day.
As i drive to work, i spill my coffee twice. I look to the sky. Not anything as spectacular as i had been seeing lately but still a nice sunrise. reminded me of God and i thought how upset i was to have not gotten into His word yet.
At work i arrive just on time. Pulseox works perfectly and gives a great reading. Great start. this NEVER happens! Thanking God.
On the bus i am overwhelmed with a hunger for God and praising Him as the sunrise is looking more glorious than earlier. singing "Blessed"( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-cQxxRdkO0 )  though the only part that i could remember was "who's hearts are stayed on Our God" so i just HAD to find the Bible verse about it. Isaiah 26:3 proved very essential to me today. I sent it to various friends and they responded it encouraged them. Hm. blessings are not just for ourselves but to encourage our brothers and sisters. Check. :)
At school, lots of yelling. Big argument. Though i was not involved, i was in the room and you know how i get. Talked to my kid to try to keep him to focus on me instead of the yelling (didnt realize until the ride home the irony. "keep looking at me, listen to me, dont focus on the bad stuff goin on around you....Isaiah 26:3....). after it quieted down, temptation in the way of that same fruit reappeared. My nerves are still crazy at this point and i cant think about anything but what is going on in the classroom. i pray. i read some scripture. i watch like a hawk. Encouragement from a sister in Christ. some relief in the anxiety. another sister is put on my heart, to ask for her help in my struggle with the fruit as she had suggested i do. this is the second time God put her on my heart for this. i figured He did great with the song, i better trust Him with this too.After i text her i feel better. I have the strength to again say no to the beautiful fruit.
On my way home, the sister i texted responded. 1 cor 10:13. When i got home to look at the devo, guess what the verse was. Yep. 1 cor 10:13. And the armor of God. (one of my memory verses). standing firm now with my armor on. ready to endure.
At home, the fruit is again calling me to it. This darn fruit. i know it is yummy! i saved room in my belly for it. i prepared to get messy when i eat it. But i must say no. i will not eat from that tree! simply because i have died to myself. it is now Christ who lives in me.
Spent time with family and decided to exercise. Verse to motivate is 1 cor 9:27 "No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize." Alas, i must beat my body by not allowing it to eat this forbidden fruit. i am stayed on Christ and already committed in my mind,but the body is weak (Matt 26:41, Mark 14:38).

So although the day was horrible with the stress of an argument and the war of the flesh vs spirit, it was totally cool. God reminded me again that when i see the beautiful sunrise how much more glorious it is in Kenya. He gave me words to look up what He had to say to me. He used those words to speak to others. He encouraged me at work. He gave me a trial to grow my faith. He gave me a way out of temptation. My God never fails, and as long as "i keep my heart chasing after {Him}" (Building 429) I can endure and find peace!

Random thoughts since last post

So for those of you who have been wondering what i'm thinking lately, here are some of the thoughts that i wrote down at various times. I'll see if i can bring them together somehow.

"The Twilight Saga is almost over, but the True Saga is Eternal, have you read it?" or SAGA-Story About God Almighty.  Thought of these two phrases for shirts or a picture, just to get the word out? and make the design like the Twilight books (haha) or something to get their attention. Any artsy people out there wanna make this happen? ;)

Jesus HIMSELF is the greatest blessing.  This thought came as i was thinking (as i have a LOT lately) about how when we seek God, we find Him. and He wants us to seek Him and walking with Him brings such joy....but i was just thinking that all those verses where it is talking about good gifts that God gives us and wanting to give us the desires of our hearts, that's HIM! If we are desiring something MORE than God then we are not loving HIM with ALL of our hearts souls minds strength. Also, when in Luke 11 Jesus gives the example of a father giving good gifts, He refers to God giving us His Holy Spirit. That is the most precious gift.
The other part of this thought was, Once we realize this, AND we ONLY look and aim for more of HIM will we be able to receive and ENJOY, truly appreciate, the other blessings God wants to give us! And we wants to give us a lot of blessing here too! The blessings He pours out on us are not only for our enjoyment, but also for the enjoyment of others and a way of bringing God the glory! Always thank Him for His blessings/gifts He gives. His mercies are new every morning. That is a beautiful blessing because how often do we need those mercies? Every morning. God is so good, He knows what we need and wants to bless us!

another thought was taken from Radical by David Platt. Following Christ means saying "yes" before you know what you are saying yes to. When we are truely following and seeking and walking with God, HE comes first. Nothing else matters but what HE wants. So no MATTER what He wants, we will say YES.
Build an arc because you are gonna bring this thing called a flood on the earth and i dont even know what rain is? YES-Noah
Sacrifice my only child when i am well past the age of having children and you promised me to have many children? Yes-Abraham.
Walk up to that river and walk through even though it is overflowing?-YES-Moses
Walk around this fortified city with all these weapons pointed at us? YES-Joshua
Marry the prostitute? YES-Hosea
BUY back my wife the prostitute?-YES-Hosea
Marry this woman who is claiming to be with child through the Holy Spirit? YES-Joseph
Give up my PERFECT life and die a horrible death to save people that hate me? YES-Jesus

I've found that the bigger your faith in God, the bigger the miracles. God wants to continue to grow our faith in Him. To do that, He gives us opportunities to increase His faith, opportunities where God HAS to do it. Opportunities where we look like a FOOL if He DOESN'T do it. But we must have faith that He will. And He does. That's what saying yes to God is all about.

God's Grace and Glory

The more I learn about God, through studying His Word, and what others have learned through it as well, i realize just how vital these two words are in a Christian's vocabulary. God's grace and glory are two terms that are so hard to put words to, and yet we can feel so intimately and deeply. Grace, yes there are MANY songs sung about it, and rightfully so! How true it is that "oh to grace how great a debtor daily i'm constrained to be" (come thou fount) and "grace my fears relieved"(amazing grace)! What a revelation, what a promise, what a RISK! God's grace is given to us through His Son, our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. Now, i know that was a lot of words but each is so paramount to WHO He is. It is by His grace that we are saved, and not by works so no man can boast!

1. Acts 15:11
   No! We believe it is through the grace of our Lord Jesus that we are saved, just as they are.”
   Acts 15:10-12 (in Context) Acts 15 (Whole Chapter)
2. Ephesians 2:5
   made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.
   Ephesians 2:4-6 (in Context) Ephesians 2 (Whole Chapter)
3. Ephesians 2:8
   For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—
   Ephesians 2:7-9 (in Context) Ephesians 2 (Whole Chapter)
4. 2 Timothy 1:9
   who has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time,
   2 Timothy 1:8-10 (in Context) 2 Timothy 1 (Whole Chapter)
   
   God's Glory. Wow. just to type it gives me chills. His amazingness, that we are in awe of, that we just want to gaze at and long for...now this is something that we do not get to see fully here in these earthly bodies. we see only a part of Who He is and just how great He is. We cannot fathom this greatness of Our God. Who He is and all He has done...we just don't GET it all. It's too much, it's too big. 
   ^{Psalm 139:6} Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
      too lofty for me to attain.
   And it's all for HIS GLORY. We aren't SUPPOSED to get it all here. All wisdom is His to give: to whom, when, where, how, how much, where, and why. And this is the beauty of it, is that when He gives this wisdom to those He chooses, He gains glory for His name, just as He intended! Wow.
   
   In thinking in these ways, in terms of God's glory and God's grace, there really IS no fear in this world! When i live it is by His grace and for His glory. When i get my way, it is by His grace and for His glory. When i face trials it is by His grace and for His glory, and when i die it will be by His grace and for His glory. All my mistakes, however large or small, have brought about His glory an His grace. It is by His grace that i am no longer enslaved by sin! It is for His glory that He has set me free from the grasp of Satan! And when i am tempted to fall again, it is His grace that lifts me out, for the Glory of His Name. I don't know about you, but i think it's just beautiful!
   
   Whether God sends me to Kenya on this internship or not, my sole purpose is in glorifying His name, and depending on His amazing grace. When He sends me, He will keep me safe by His grace so that i may glorify His name, in whatever way He is most glorified.

The change in me

Lost in a downward spiral
trying to be the coolest girl
wanting to please any man
in any way that i can
just to feel loved and alive
but each moment i would die.

momentary pleasure for lasting pain
this memory would be my gain
nothing new or better would come
and I'd be left just feeling dumb

As i've grown over the years
and spilled way too many tears
being used is not my purpose
i am not a target for curses

Jesus showed me a better Way
that i am loved, every day,
i'm not a toy that can be thrown
or traded away for another loan

i dont need to let you have me
you no longer get to use me
how much simpler it would be
if you could just see this change in me

i do not run to your arms
that promise love and bring me harm
you tease and test and hurt me all day
and then say sorry like it takes it away

no! im done! you cant have me any more!
though you hold on tight, i'm running out the door
i don't need your kiss to tell me im important
and i am tired of you telling me that i cant

you dont own this heart, though you once did
i am no longer yours on whom to bid
i don't want that life anymore, i am NEW
so away from me with your evil spew!

i want to live righteously in Christ
and not have my heart by sin be diced
Please, friends, see the change in me!
and do not think i am who i used to be!

Don't keep me down in my past by bringing it up
remember and remind me i've drank Christ's cup!
i no longer choose that sin that ensnared me so!
so when you see it creep near me, please tell it to GO

i long to live as new as can be
oh can't you see this change in me?
i feel it in my heart, it's true!
but why oh why wont you?

yes i still struggle and hurt inside
but each new day i no longer hide
Jesus saves me from my sin
for whenever i fall, His grace rushes in

so please forget the old that you knew
she doesn't exist, she is made new!
notice this change in me
and hold me to it, to be all i was made to be

Last Time

Where does it start,
in the soul, mind or heart?
This love I have for You--
oh how I wish it was more true!
That with every breath and beat,
my soul for You would leap,
that of my sin i would weep,
and not plunge into the deep!
But alas how my heart is deceived!
How often Your grace I've received!
I fall down and You pick me up.
I say, "Last time! I've had enough!
I'll never go back to that sin!"
But I know my futures' dim
when I say, "it was the last time"
but have not repented in my mind.
It's like a cycle that never ends
but keeps on, a twist in the bends
"Last time!" again I cry,
"Just once more before I die!"
But each time is killing me,
even though I cannot see.
This last time it is to be true--
this sin I will no longer do!
I am done with saying "I'm done!"
but still living just to have fun.
This life is not my own,
and Your light in me has shown.
I've put it out for the last time--
from now on I'll let Your love shine!

Dos meces

Two months ago. I remember the day clear as the summer sky. Every moment, every thought, every hope. I just wanted to be yours and you to be mine. And for a time, all was right with the world. I let the memories flood back because that is all i have now. i close my eyes, silence my world and remember. You and those deep blue eyes. I could see for miles. I knew what you were thinking, though i doubted it could be true. i wanted so bad for you to love me, did it cloud my view? with each word, each touch, i knew i had fallen for you. There are no more words. there are no more tears. i miss you as i miss a part of my own self, for that is what you are to me. i did not guard my heart, nor yours. Knowing you would soon be gone, i let you in anyway. You went deeper than i knew possible, we spoke without using words. you showed me what a gentleman really is, and how precious i could be. i should have left it with just a kiss goodnight as the song goes. i know that you didnt want me to fall for you. you tried to protect me. God, you were so perfect you even tried to protect me from that what i wanted n you knew it would hurt me if i got it. You wanted to keep all this pain from me, i see now. But it was worth it. two months ago. it feels like eternity...i miss you and i love you.

Perfect Timing

"When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s condemnation. For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of his Son. So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God because our Lord Jesus Christ has made us friends of God." Romans 5:6 says that at JUST THE RIGHT TIME Christ came and died for us sinners. I just saw a post about this today, as i was thinking about timing and how i think God needs to get His timing to match up with mine. GUESS WHAT-it's ME that needs to mold myself to HIS timing, not the other way around. As i think about the things that i want and am waiting for, i get caught up in what i want and if i can have it SOON. Instead, it is important to wait for GOD's timing, because only HE knows when is "just the right time." God has brought people into my life at just the right times. My family surrounds me when i am under attack, and others help when i need some encouragement. Even this past week when i was ready to give up on a dream, in just the right timing God fanned the fire in my heart. i am reminded to stay true to who i am and what my dreams are. I will not change for a man. i will not let you tell me that i am not worthy. God has sent His OWN SON to die for me--THAT's how worthy i am.  I do not fit your mold, but that doesn't mean i'm a failure. i only fail when i live for myself instead of the One who died for me. Thanks for coming at "just the right time," Jesus. i love you. thank you for sending me my friends and family at just the right times. please bless them and keep them safe for Your kingdom. I used to say "keep them safe for me," but i have come to understand that YOU love them more than i could. so i now pray that You keep them safe for Yourself. Keep us on the straight n narrow so that when You return in Your perfect timing, we are ready to join you. We love you.

My biggest dreams...

So this week there has been a lot of discussions about big dreams. Dreams from childhood. Goals for now and the future. Spectacular things that could be comparable to a mountain being thrown into a sea....It made me think. What ARE my dreams? I was asked to pick my biggest dream, and even after i answered i knew there was so much more. So here we go. In this blog on the World Wide Web, for all to see, here is an extensive list of my dreams/goals of this life big and small, near and far, possible and miraculous...
to BE a: wife, mother,  mentor,  disciple,  apostle, missionary
to DO(career): cure Alzheimer's, Mexican border nursing home (bilingual), take care of orphans, hospital nurse-local or Children's Hospital
to DO (Faith): preform miracles, drive out demons, heal the sick by the power of Jesus's name, be a part of the renewing of the Bride of Christ as one complete Body of believers (unity), raise up children to know Christ and those who are saved to live for Him, be called into missions, live by the Spirit and not gratify the flesh, experience entire sanctification by the grace and the Holy Spirit, write books to encourage/enhance wisdom

Lots of goals/dreams....and i know they will not all happen, but i do want them to happen. Which is the greatest? Unity. I pray for it daily. I cannot wait for the day when the LORD comes back and brings us all together to Himself as One and we are made One with Him completely. I desire His power to run through me, for His blood to be in my blood and His heart take over mine.

A prayer for my sister

Dear Heavenly Father, You are all good and all Holy. No one is good BUT You alone!  Your plans are much greater and higher than mine. At this moment LORD i lift up my sister in You whose name you know. You know the words i pray before i pray them. You know how my heart aches for her to be kept safe from the deceitful ones of this earth. God i am broken for her, as i have been in her situation, blinded by the lies and denial. God i pray that You break down the walls and peel off the scales from her eyes. Allow her to see this situation as i do now, as she did when i was in it myself. God i pray that i am wrong and that she is actually not being tempted in any way. I pray that she is stronger than i was. I pray for another sister who is struggling in another similar way that i believe i am freed from (and daily being freed from). God i pray that she is able to see just how much You love her and how she does not need a mere mortal man to hold her and love her because she has Your loving embrace! God at least two sisters come to mind in this instance and i pray for both of them by name that You would reveal Yourself to them in such an awesome way LORD God that they just completely surrender to Your love and say with all their heart soul  body and mind, "I love You Lord God! You are more than enough for me!" I pray that i myself get to this point and i thank You for giving me glimpses of how You test me in this. I pray that when the race is complete, You will say that i ran in order to obtain the prize. Thank You God for all You have done and have yet to do! We love You, Holy One. In Jesus's precious name i pray, amen

From your helpmate

Dear future husband, God has shown me this hour once again that He is all i need. i have my list of all that i want, everything i want you to be or not be. How foolish to think i know best when the Father knows even every hair on my head! He knows what i want, and He knows what you want. The more important part, i have been shown, is not that we fit each others lists, but that we fit God's lists. Woman was taken of man to be his helpmate, so this is what i pray. That God shows me how to be the best helpmate i can be and that will lead me to you. Yes, i still have "my list," but instead of looking for you and how to make you mine, I will look to how i can respect and help you, whoever you may be. You are not mine. You are God's. And i am not yours; I am God's. Therefore, let us be used by Him in everything. I know now that you are not a man who fits my qualifications alone, but a man whom i can respect and follow, and you are a man who can lead and love. Together we shall serve Our Lord, Our God. One day He will bring us together, but only when the time is right for His glory.
I apologize, my love, for how long it is taking for me to get there. i always thought i would have gotten to you by now.  But i know that God's got a plan and all i will do is wait for you, and pray for you, and do all i can do to bring God the glory in all i do in this season of life.

Dear Heavenly Father, Holy One in Heaven, i praise You for Your wisdom that You give so freely! I thank You for revelations and ask for wisdom in what to do with them. i pray that You prepare me to be used by You each and every day. Guide my feet so that i do not stumble into sin. I do not want to wander off Your path of righteousness. Help me to always say no to the road that is wide and foolish. Keep me on the straight and narrow and reveal to me Your will for my scene in this movie YOU star in. You are the only thing that is worth it LORD. I speak of momentary things, why can i not speak of You and things of the eternal? Use my mouth LORD God for Your glory. May each time i open my mouth it not be me voicing an opinion, by You speaking Your truth. I praise You for all that You have done and are doing in my life. To You alone be the glory. Continue to show me how to love and serve like You. Let me be Your shining light. I love You Lord Jesus. In that precious and blameless name i pray all these things, amen

life

^{2 Peter 3:9} The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

So many times i just want it to come so that we can be with God forever and not worry about the things of this life...like my impatience with God fulfilling other promises. i trust Him. i love Him. i know that He knows what's best for me and He knows His will for me. It's just hard to get there you know?

We are living for one reason only, because God gave us this life. What are we gonna do with it? He wants us to glorify Him and love Him and obey Him...and KNOW Him, which is redic because our finite minds cannot fully comprehend the infinite...though we may try to. So this is what i'm gonna do with my time. This is my "calling" for these days: to know Him more. Deeper, fuller, better...I want to be like those who are called Christians. Those who, when people talk about me, they say, "yeah, that's that girl who is crazy about Jesus and showing HIS love"

The time is now.  I just need to be prepared and obey

you know me

How is it that you know me
Every detail so easily
Before i speak a single word
You've already heard
My mind you read 
all my plans you intercede
i cannot hide myself from you
but it's the thing i want to do
you give me whiplash
from you i wanna dash
how do you know me so completely
and not even want nor need me
we are soul mates but not lovers
from you i want to run for cover
it scares me how close we are
yet at times we are so far
i dont want you in that way
it's another i wish would stay
though our connection not as strong
it is for him alone that i long
who said you have to marry your soulmate
you and i wouldn't last on a date
and the one i have fallen for
is just a little harder to work for
but he is worth all the effort
even if i would get hurt

Just some thoughts on how a soulmate doesnt necessarily mean that's the one you should marry. Sometimes that just means they are a good friend who is able to help you understand yourself better and look out for you. And sometimes that person who IS worth it may be a little hard to uncover in the beginning, but i am convinced that it is better to fight for the one you want than to settle for someone you think is just compatible....

My heart's Desire/God Sightings/God listens to you!

Psalm 139:4 "Before a word is on my tongue
   you know it completely, O LORD."

How AWESOME that the God of EVERYTHING hears EVERY word, every desire before i even say it! I find this to be true in many ways, in many days. How foolish i felt today telling our preteens that i was thinking i didn't have a "God-sighting" (Aka, seeing God working/providing in my life) for today. Before i even said it, God had planned to bless me with extra McDonalds! My favorite part was being able to share it with a very special friend (two actually!) God knew what i needed before i asked for it, and God knew what i wanted before i asked for it.

A long long time ago, i was a little girl who was dreaming of her prince charming. At that time, i didn't know who he was but i knew certain qualities he'd have to have. As i grew older, so did this list. It's funny to look back and see those things that i wanted, those heart's desires. Some have changed, many have not. There have been many times that i have ignored my heart's desire for, in one case, a strong Christian leader, or in another, a respectful man, or in another case, a man that would encourage me. God knows my deepest yearnings in my heart, the things that matter most. When i line my desires up with His, that is when those yearnings are stronger, and are fulfilled. God Himself proves to be more than all i need, and then blesses me even more by giving me my hearts deepest desire. When it becomes time for Him to take it back, does it mean that He does not love me? Of course not! it simply means He wants me to continue to find my longings all fulfilled in HIM alone. And who knows, the more i press into God, the more He continues to bless me. Maybe He brings back that which He took away to bless me even more. But even if He doesnt, I still know that God is listening to me before i speak and He knows my heart's desire. THANK YOU, GOD!

Whats important...

Tonight was a big night. Why? well, the first reason and biggest reason i would say is because we (a small handful of Christians) were completely filled with the Holy Spirit, praying for healing, protection, and the binding and removal of demons. Yes, heavy stuff. Even as i type this i pray and ask God to wrap me in His embrace and that i feel the power of Jesus. By typing this, emotion is filling my body, but i need you to know. I need the body of Christ to KNOW the POWER of His NAME! The power He gives us! the POWER of Jesus Christ our Risen Savior! Yes, praying to and in Him was the most important part of this evening. More important than using my nursing "skills" and having the courage to call 911. More important than meeting new people. More important than having something to do. More important than the beautiful sunset i saw before i got there. More important than a phone call that i so desperately wanted to take. Yes, Jesus is more important than all these.

I cannot sleep now, as i think about this nights events and everything that happened, as there is more that i refuse to write about in a public blog because i want to protect the privacy of those involved. But at the same time i know God will grant me rest for a new day tomorrow.

PS, i prayed God would show me if He wanted me to continue with this Bible Study Friday night thing, many times. Many times, He has shown me that YES HE wants me to continue it, though others may not see the importance of it, the value is higher than i can imagine. So although at times i feel unable to do so, I will respond and answer the call. I will continue until He says stop. And just because it "got hard" doesnt mean it's God saying stop. It simply means it's work.....

So what's important? Christ. And those who love and obey Him. (and those that WILL one day come to know Him)

Some of my Depressing thoughts

i know i'm not perfect. i know im not even close. i know there are things i do that are bad, things i say and things i think that are wrong. regardless of all that, i know that i am LOVED more than anyone here on Earth could love me. Why is it not enough? Why does my soul still feel unsatisfied? i have all i need, and He is more than enough for me, and yet i still feel empty. What's missing? **This world is not my home**
my soul is not satisfied, not whole. i feel incomplete. i feel empty. i am thirsy for more of Jesus, hungry for communion with Him and His people. and yet, even when i am there, i can feel so alone, so unloved.
am i doing this wrong? how can i do this right? it's so impossible to live right, no matter how hard i try and how many times i ask You to take over. i just wanna be home with You. this world is not my home and i feel so alone and unloved. how long must i wait, oh God? for how long must my soul be so unsatisfied? When will You return and restore it all? we are so broken Lord and we need You.
it is because of the brokenness of man, of sin, that we see all the suffering.
why can we not just love as You have commanded? why can we not be one as You and the Father are one?! this is my soul's desire and nothing can compare to being in complete unity. i only wish i knew what it felt like for more than just moments here and there.
Is this the reason i long for a husband? to have one with whom i am one at all times? and yet, is there even such a man for me? I have had faith, and i have doubted. I long for a man who understands, who loves You and loves me, desires to be one with You, and one with me. I truly believe that we can have the unity of the church here, but it is so far away and we keep putting up the divisions in the church. I hate it! I hate when satan drives a wedge between believers! With God and His people is where we are supposed to feel comforted, encouraged, loved. And yet, so often i leave feeling alone and distraught. How long? How long must this go on? When can i give up my delusions of what this was supposed to be and just realize what it is?

memorial day

So i have the song "Not where i belong" by building 429 stuck in my head. (probably because i was listening to it the entire drive home). Its so comforting to me, especially in the times that i feel the world we live in crashing around me. So some things i realized.
i love Jesus (obviously). i love encouraging. i love being appreciated. i love being loved. i love unity. i love being able to make connections with people....but sometimes they dont wanna connect with me. But that's ok, because this world is not my home and Jesus is more than enough for me. I just need to keep these things in mind and not forget that it doesnt matter what this world throws at me, Jesus is right there with me and holding my hand. He loves me more than any friend or spouse or parent could.

Woe is me

Woe is me for i cannot keep Your commands
Woe is me for always letting go of Your hands
Though i try to do what honors You
i always fail in the follow through
i tried to start a study of Your Word
but i guess everyone got bored
When did church become social hour?
 and the people not show His power?
i do not speak well my God,
but Your gospel of peace i shod
i long to bring it clear to all
but somewhere i just dropped the ball.
or was it not me but them instead
who want not to be fed?
regardless of fault of the end of the season
i shall continue my study with God as my reason
When i hear that it helps just one soul
i have to remember that is our goal
it's not about number that i can see
but about those hearts who change, and are freed

Lonliness

To be lonely is not simply being alone
but to be without comfort and wanting to moan
even in a crowded place
seeing many a familiar face
but not knowing what to say
other than the  "how's your day"
superficial conversation
when i want to scream my soul salvation
alone in this world and this life
all filled with darkness and strife
though when i remember my true Home
life looses it's pull to feel alone
i know where i belong and my soul is free
to find a husband is no longer the key
but to draw closer to the One who saves
focused on Him, i'm not alone in the caves
and when His other followers respond to HIm
i find in life my true kin.

so whether you are alone or lonely
if you love Jesus, you're there with me
lets all join hands and encourage another
to know the Lord and become our brother
though we may feel alone, with God we are not
Because through Jesus's blood we were bought
and nothing can seperate us from Him
not even our pain and suffering
of feeling lonely and so alone
Just look up to our Home.

Mysterious ways...

Oh how mysterious are Your ways oh Lord!
Your mercy and grace are so much more
than we could ever want or strive for
Your forgiveness You give freely and do not hord

You raise up the weak on wings like eagles
and make the "wise" yap like beagles
You give sight to the blind
and heal the sinful mind

You lead me in Your ways
and yet i could not try all of my days
to understand just what You're doing
though i know You are me wooing

with every step You take with me
You help me more to see
and still i am so far from perfect
and i never do deserve it

You keep me in Your will,
Your Book of Life, still
when i mess up, you raise me up
if i'll just turn back to Your cup!

Thank You Lord for Your love
You are the peaceful Dove
yet bruised on Calvary
You took my fate for me

Oh what depth of Hell i deserve!
For so many times the Devil i did serve
what sorrow is in my soul and heart
to think that i should ever from You depart!

and yet You pull me gently closer
to Yourself, to be my Saviour
and bring me into light everlasting
with You, my One and True King!

Oh what mysteries that You would save us
that You should bless and not curse dust
but that we should be made clean
by Your blood which does redeem!

Oh praise the One whose wisdom is far greater!
Who sanctifies the sinner and loves the hater
You see our future and what we will do for You
when we just complain, we want to see it too!

But You know that we could not comprehend
So Your Holy Spirit You sent
to help us and guide us along Your way
so forever we can hear You say

though we may not know what it means
and that is why we try to form teams
and figure out what You have made for Your mind alone
or to feel that to which our heart is stone

You are my God and i Your servant
so i plead for a glimpse, for a proverb, a hint
to have You to show me just a part of Your mystery
show me, please God, what more you want from me

i dislike boys, but i love men

i'm so tired of the childish games
i tired of the head games
i dont want to play anymore
these things have become a bore
i want a real man, not a boy
i am a woman not a toy
i am to be treasured not thrown away
i want someone who's here to stay
im done with your foolish ways
i want to be wise all my days
i wish no longer to be with the scoffers
but to cling to all the cross offers
you are so much like a child
pretending to be meek but really wild
you fly off the handle with no warning
for some stability i am yearning
young man please be a man
walk into the promised land
stop acting like a fool
just because you think it's cool
you dont impress that which you long for
when you cause such an uproar
how much better the man who is holds his tounge
instead of voicing a pile of dung
Why dont you act like a man?
Because i know you can!

Men hold fast to truth
and do not listen to the ruse
they are wise and know the Word
and of their ways i have heard
They do not objectify women
but render themselves to them as kin
Men will step up and take the lead
because they speak truth i will heed.
A real man is following Christ
and by his sin is vised
he does what is necessary
and from the LORD he does not tarry
A man will speak up for those without voices
instead of quieting the weaklings noises.

You see, a man is what you are called to be
when you have been born male you see.
God does not want you eating milk
when you are strong enough to eat the elk
why do you not reach your potentional
why do you lack the beneficial?
When will you turn to Him for advice,
instead of the snake that won't suffice?
you listen to the world and are not wise
when you really could be saving millions of lives.

A prayer for prodigals

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA (It's the "everything" by Lifehouse skit. have a box of tissues handy, it may make you cry)

Dear Heavenly Father,
I thank You so much for who You are! You are the Creator, the Righteous Judge and the Redeemer. You are holy in all You are and right in all You do. "How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?" It is so true that knowing You and all You have done for me leads me to being in awe of You and You moving me, drawing me closer, and us dancing sweetly! I praise and adore You for all You are doing in my life!
You have put it on my heart to pray for Your people, those that have turned from the ways of their fathers who followed and served You, and instead following in the ways of the fathers that do evil in Your sight. God, i just pray that right now You take hold of each and every one of Your children. Hold them close and never let them go. Help them to return to You, as the perfect Lover You draw us to You, as our Redeemer, Your scars have made us new. Help us, those who know You intimately, to show Your true nature to those who do not know You, or have turned away from You. God i pray You bring them back to You! They have heard Your name and cannot any longer deny Your Majesty! Let them see You for who You are, the One True God! Remember the ways that they loved You, when they first knew You, remember the prayers of their family and friends for them and the ways that they follow You. Remember that Jesus has clothed us in His righteousness and listen to our prayers! In Jesus;s name i pray, AMEN

More revelations to a heart sold out to God

my heart broke on friday. After reading Romans chapter 7 (ie, the "i do what i dont want to do and dont do what i want to do passage), i did that which is my greatest grief-i caused a rift in the Body.  I was feeling attacked and instead of remembering how Jesus acting when He was attacked (i had just seen the Passion the night prior), i got defensive. I tried to prove my point, and agreed with my brother, and yet he just got more and more heated...so in my flesh, in my sin, i kicked him out of my house. I did not know anything else to do to get him to calm down, so i just made him leave. Throughout this ordeal, my heart was racing, to the point where i felt like i was doing more than my max on the elliptical....i sent him a txt, apologizing n letting him kno i kicked him out bc i thought thats what he needed, to just get away, and that i loved him and was on the same team as him. He responded to please leave him alone. and so i shall.
In church, we had communion. I did not take it, not because i do not love Jesus, but because the rift in the Body that i created had weighed on me so strong that i could not bear to think of partaking in something as sacred as communion. I prayed, "Lord, please help me to learn to de-escalate the issues that come up, give me the wisdom and discernment to do what is right, to do Your will and what glorifies You. Or send me one who WILL step up and mediate our issues in the Body. Lord, i do not want a house divided, i want Your Body to be whole! This is my desire that Your people turn to You and bear one anothers burdens and love one another and You! I long to serve You and not break up my family, Your Body. Help me to fight for unity, Jesus. Help me to not cause issues. Restore Your Body, as we remember You rebuilding Your temple this season as we remember Your Resurrection. In the name of the risen Jesus i pray, amen!"

so what happened? we talked about forgiveness. Instead of responding, pray for them. Though he stirs anger and fright in me, my strength is in the LORD and man only has the power over me i allow him to have. I must give him over to God and trust Him to heal his heart, and mine, and the relationship if it should be healed.

heartbreak is

heartbreak throws a heart into pieces
eyes into clouds and tearful it is
but when there are no more tears to cry
and all your friends have left your side
heartbreak is a peaceful hurt
and lets you find your worth

heartbreak is a broken chain,
no claim to man, no claim to fame
why yearn for the slavery
when you can be free
and yet, id rather have you
than this freedom to do what i do

heartbreak is seeing your ex-lover,
how much she wishes you were together
remincing of all the good times you had
and forgetting all of the bad
i hate myself for being just like her,
still not able to close that door

heartbreak is knowing you are not the one
and yet you make me so undone
you are so mean and rude to me
 but still your one and only i long to be
heartbreak is stupidity brought on ourselves
and not being able to leave the past on the shelves

When God has something to tell you, He WILL make you know it

  1. When you commit to something, and really mean it, and ask God to help you to follow through, and it is something that is not out of line with His law, He will help make it happen.
               I prayed before i went to bed that God would help me get up in the morning to exercise. Despite it being a monday, and the darkest 545 on a monday this year, i was awake with my alarm and motivated to go down and work up a sweat on that old tredmill.

  2.  We see things as we define them...and we define them the way we want them to be
                 I see this guy that i want to marry, so i see the qualities i want in a husband in him. Of course he has most of them, which is why i wanted to marry him...until i see another side of him that i could not marry.
Or i see qualities of a sucky friend in one guy because i know i cannot marry him, even though he comforts me and is the first i go to with exciting news
Or i become intrigued by a guy who before could not catch my eye

3. I'm a great nurse.
               I am able to take care of a sick child
i can tell my fellow future nurse what to expect in nursing
i am able to notice an abnormal assesment, on my patient or a person i am conversing with
i have compassion for people
i listen

4. Sometimes, even when you DO have faith like a mustard seed, God decides to let that mountain stay where it is at, because sometimes, that mountain getting thrown into the sea can cause quite a disaster for many others, by the tsunamis and earthquakes it creates.
              (Japan, we are praying for you. God has not forgotten Japan and those who are hurting. have faith that the person who threw the mountain into the sea is also praying for your restoration, and redemption)

5. God will provide. And whether my love story involves a man here on earth or not, I know that my Husband is the very best :)

All of these things were things that i had doubted, to the point of despair, less than 48 hours ago. God has revealed His truth to me, to show me who i am, and how He sees me. What's changed? Well, nothing. and yet, everything......

God, You are so good to me! How steadfast are Your promises! You are forever true and faithful! There is nothing that can complete me nor satisfy me than You! All i need is more of You-- every day i ask for my daily portion of You and You provide. Thank You for all You have done and all that You are! Thank You for making me who You are making me. I long to be closer with You and closer to being like You. You are the only One for me. In You alone i find my rest, in You alone i find my identity. I love You Lord. Help me to not sin against You; to resist temptation of all kinds and flee all types of sin! In Your Name Lord Jesus i pray, AMEN!

breaking down this stronghold

You told me twice that tonight You would break these strongholds, and yet even before the service ended, the unrest in my soul became too strong to bear. Is this how You break the strongholds, by breaking me? by tearing up my heart and leaving me without any comfort? Yet You alone are my true comfort and how better to break the strongholds than to show that You are stronger still. How quickly You turn me back to You when i write, yet without constructing the words i do not see how stupid i am in my doubts. This was a lot shorter than i thought it would be....

i want so deeply, so strongly, to simply be cherished by a man. He would say i want to be worshipped, but that is not it. i do want Jesus to be number one in his life, but i would like to be number two! is that so wrong? to him, it is....and so he is not the one for me. is this how i am to break down this stronghold he has over me? to explain (AGAIN) to myself and the world why he is NOT the man for me? and yet, i still hold onto the idea that he COULD be he MIGHT be, that we could make it work, that i could change my ways of thinking so that i do not keep leaving him...simply bc it is what i am used to. im comfortable with him. i know him. i know how he reacts to certain things and i know when i have to ignore everything he says because it will just upset me (which is most of the time). So why do i let him keep this stronghold over me? That is the question. If i can discover the REASON it is a stronghold, i can reason away the reason (haha).

i let him have this stronghold over me, i let myself be captivated by him, because i convince myself that he cherishes me. In my stupidity, my nievity, my lonliness, i CONVINCE myself of the lie that keeps me bound to a man who keeps breaking my arms to be free of my embrace. i am so incredibly stupid. and it makes me so upset to know that i am doing this to myself, and do not know how to stop. I have "given it to God" more times than i can count, i have confessed and repented, i have prayed and fasted, i have pleaded God take this desire away, i have tried EVERYTHING and yet i still cling to him like a cowboy to a bucking bull...this disgusts me more than i can explain.

So why don't you come down here and prove it!

"Natalie, I do love you. And it's because i love you that you cannot go to that dance tonight. I don't trust that friend Stan, and i know his parents will allow things that i do not. so you are staying home tonight. I love you."

"Oh yeah? Well then why don't you come down here and prove it! Show you love and trust me by letting me go to the party!"

"Lys, i love you. i don't have enough money for a ring, but will you marry me? I know our entire relationship has been via mail, and i've never seen your face because i wont drive that far, but i love you."

"You love me? want to marry me? Come down here and prove it!"

How many times are we told "i love you" by someone who is not right here with us? How many times do we say, well, if you love me, "come down here and prove it!" Come SEE me, come let me see YOU. SHOW me you love me by being with me. Maybe not a lot for you, but for me, i just had that convo with God. (those of you who are laughing at me right now, yes i deserve that and that is why i am writing this, to show how often we may forget)

The convo went a little more like this, "Ok, God. I know Your love is enough and You love me a lot and yada yada, but why can't you just grow some skin and come down here and prove it?" Let me tell you, "them are some fightin' words!" God responded by reminding me, HE HAS "grown some skin and come down here and proved it." And what's more, He proved the "greatest love of all" by laying down His life for me, WHILE I WAS STILL HATING HIM! Wow. yeah, we'll give money to the poor, to our friends, but to our ENEMIES? to give our LIFE? Yeah right! But Jesus did. Wow. yeah, You're right God. You did already "come down here and prove it" thanks for reminding me!

So i need to run right now, but i wanted to add in the verses where God has "come down and proved" His love for us, not just by Jesus and the cross, but as a Father, as a Lover, as a Friend, and as God. I'll add them as comments later (or if you want to add some, feel free :))

For My Friend, My Encouragement

You look at yourself and see your flaws
looking for your purpose, your cause
but listen to me when i say
i find your friendship today
to encourage me so strongly
to look for who i want to be

you are my friend, my encouragement
From God i know that you are sent
to help me to see each day
that He is the only way
to know that better is out there
and i will find someone to care
i don't need to settle for another
when you encourage me, my brother

i grow weak and fall
He's got brown eyes, he's tall
maybe that's enough for me
'cause, hey, that's all i'll ever be
just "enough" never the dream
and so plummets my self-esteem

but you remind me of how close i am
even on the days i feel like a scam
you see the truth in my heart
how, for Jesus, I'm set apart
you show me that i can do better
and that this other man would just be a fetter

your strength, your integrity
your patience and lack of envy
your wisdom and your drive
you're not the only one alive

so you encourage me that there are
more men like you, and not too far
God has a husband picked out for me
and i pray he's close to you as can be

one thing

there's this one thing
just one sin
one thing i cant let go
but Lord i want to so
please take it from me
i want to be holy
as You are holy
but i just cant be

because there's this one thing
this one big sin
i just cant loose
and it's like a noose
killing me slowly each day
but it just makes me wanna say

Jesus, save me!
You are the Key
You are all i need!
to free me
to rip off these chains
of this horrible shame

it's just this one thing
this one sin
keeping me down
making You frown
holding me back
making me lack

it's one thing
just one sin
hiding all the others
they fall under covers
of this one thing
this one thing

Lord, free me from this one thing
this one sin
Jesus save me from this longing
Just be my King
Take away the evil in my heart
Fill in every part
Fill be with Your living
take away this one thing

1 Thes 5:16-24 :)

1 Thes 5:16-24 REJOICE always, PRAY continually, GIVE THANKS in all circumstances; for this is GOD'S WILL for you in Christ Jesus. DO NOT QUENCH THE SPIRIT. Do not treat prophecies with contempt but TEST them all; HOLD on to what is good, REJECT every kind of evil. May God himself, the God of peace, SANCTIFY you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be KEPT BLAMELESS at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is FAITHFUL, and he will do it.

Don't you want to do God's will for your life? have you ever wondered what it is? well, this makes it pretty clear. To rejoice always in Christ Jesus, pray continually in Christ Jesus and give thanks in all circumstances in Christ Jesus. What's more? to not quench the Spirit of God which spurs us in following His will. It is also God's will for us that we will test all prophecies, and to not treat them with contempt.  God wants us to hold onto all that is good and reject EVERY kind of evil. This passage reminds us God is the God of peace and that it is HE who sanctifies us, sets us apart. With this peace we should be able to rejoice, pray and give thanks. It is also God's will that we be kept blameless, in everything, at the return of Jesus. This passage ends with God being the One who calls us and reminds us that He is faithful and will do it! That is, He will have His will be done; He will, by being the God of peace,  allow us to rejoice, pray and give thanks! He will keep the Spirit burning in us and help us to test everything, clinging to the good and fleeing all evil. God sets us apart and sees us as blameless as He covers us with the blood of Jesus Christ.

Control Me

Control me, i am Yours
Control my mind, my hands my soul
consume my every thought, my every word
i want the whole world to know You are my LORD!

Why do i let go of You,
You who created all, You,
You who holds a plan for me, You
You who knows just what i need, You

I want You to take control,
have all of me, take my soul
move my hands and my feet
make my mind know Your beat

Control my heart-I wanna love
control my feet-i'll be a dove
control my soul-i wanna live
control my self-to You i give!

I'm handing over the riegns, Jesus
because only You are righteous
You are holy and the only way
so i give control of me to You today!

irony

irony is
falling in love
with a man you barely know
and then to know him and see he has no love
and to then find love, as a true friend, in his exwife

irony is
learning
to stay
just friends
and being
the "wingman"
just to find
hes everything
i could ever want

irony is
how
he makes
me smile
just to hear
his voice
and see
his eyes
and hear
his laugh
when he doesn't even try

irony is
thinking
someone is
a true friend
just to have them
stab you
in the back
for being honest

irony is
acting
as someone
who you are not
nor wish to be
nor can be.

irony is
how i
have fallin
for you
so hard
when before
it was so little
and able to be pushed away
held back

irony is
loving
a man
who i could never have
and so
settling
for one that i have had
that cares nothing
for me
anymore
and maybe
never did

irony is
seeing
the beauty
of the world
and each new sunrise
and sunset
and not thanking God
for each creation

irony is
seeing
and yet
not
believing

Why i write

i find it hard to find the words when i speak, but when i have my lips together, my mouth closed, it is then that i seem i can "say" what i mean, what i feel, what i know. I write to be understood, to be heard, to vent. I do not write solely for you, nor solely for me, though i do write for you and i write for me.
Sometimes my blogs are to share with others who i am. Sometimes my blogs are simply for me to collect my thoughts in one place. But because it is not always one way or another, i do not have privacy settings on this, and i post them always to my facebook for those that want to read.
why do i write. i write for closure. for thinking through my emotions and collecting the thoughts together, to see what is true and what is not. i do not write for you, i do not write for me. i write to understand and to be understood, because too often who i am in person is not who i am

Lay it Down (new poem/song)

Tears fall down my cheeks
as the scene repeats
left you without a word
i could not heal this hurt
pushed you so far away
even tho i need to say

i lay it all down again
i need you back my friend
i need your helping hand
i need you to help me stand
cuz i cant make it through
i just dont kno what to do
so i lay it all down again
i run back to you my friend

another door has closed
and thats just how it goes
slams in my face
oh how much more must i take
this is not how it should be
with you so far away from me
and yet i cant draw near
i am crippled by the fear
Why can't i just

lay it all down again
i need you back my friend
i need your helping hand
i need you to help me stand
cuz i cant make it through
i just dont kno what to do
so i lay it all down again
i run back to you my friend

Cuz Jesus you are all!
You are everything!
You alone can save me
from this misery!
YOU are always there
You will always care
so why have i taken so long to see
you are all i need
So i will

lay it all down again
i need you back my friend
i need your helping hand
i need you to help me stand
cuz i cant make it through
i just dont kno what to do
so i lay it all down again
i run back to you my friend

Circumstances, Choices, and Children

I must no longer allow my circumstances to define me, to be my god. I am a child of the Most High God, the Creator of Heaven and Earth! I am loved, i am new, i am redeemed. And yet, my circumstances of being lonely, of loving a man who cannot and will not love me, overwhelm me at times and try to get me to forget just how GOOD my God is. "Though i may walk thru valley of the shadow of death, still You are with me," No matter how alone i feel, how unloved and broken, God is still with me. He is still all i need. I need this to resound in me, to believe with my whole heart, soul and mind. I need to fully believe that although a man is gone from my life, the One Man who died for me, rose again for me and saved me. "The Lord my Maker is my husband,"and i need to remember that i am not alone, and i am so loved.

yes, it hurts. i feel the aches strong today, and have this past week. If you think of it, pray for me. I surrender my will to God many times a day, and even now have a battle raging just to talk to him again. Is it the man himself that i desire so strongly, or the old life of allowing myself to desire a man so strongly? For now i have been living to prove to God that HE ALONE is my desire and i do not need a man to satisfy. CS Lewis once wrote, "If when you obtain that which you desired and are not satisfied, it was not that which you obtained that you truly desired." I know now that the only thing that satisfies is Christ. And yet, how hard it is to not desire anything else but Christ...Oh that i would be innocent as a child and know nothing but Jesus to satisfy! And to be like a child i must, in that i have faith in Him to be who He is.

So...it's been a while...

15 days since....
35 days since....
minutes since...

 Time is the way we measure some things in our life. How much time has past since we saw the one we love, since we returned home from a much needed vacation, since we heard a favorite song....

13 hours till....
2 days til...
5 days til...
11 weeks til...
2 years til...

Time also gives us a way to anticipate the things that are coming, and how close they are. 13 hours til i lead a Bible study, two days til i do it again, five days til valentine's day (and the weight that it holds),11 weeks til i complete my BSN program, 2 years until...who knows....

and that is the point. We set these days and times up in our heads, and yet, how do we know we will still be here. and even if we are, how do we know what will happen on those days? Are we God Himself? No, we cannot know, but we plan. let's make our plans count.

since the last blog post, i have started waking up every morning at 545 to read at least two chapters of my Bible on the tredmil, before work.  I am starting the book of Ruth today, and i checked my weight, seeing i already lost 5 lbs! i feel so encouraged reading God's word, even tho i become so tired later in the day, He gives me the strength to make it through. If you have time, look up ANY song by tenth avenue north. Especially: healing begins, STRONG ENOUGH TO SAVE, YOU ARE MORE, on and on, empty my hands, house of mirriors, oh my dear, by your side, love is here, lift us up to fall, SATISFY, let it go, break me down, hold my heart, times, BELOVED....(and those are just the very best ones...)

Mid-month realizations.

So i was talking with a friend last night, and we both just completely opened up and the Spirit of God was upon us both. My friend spoke words that he did not know he was speaking and it was completely evident that it was not him speaking, but God speaking through him to make me see how broken and bruised i am. This is a very personal post, so please read and respond in love.
Since i was young, about 14, i longed to be loved by a man. I met a man (older, yet he was still a boy) who i fell for and when he told me his baggage i cried out to God asking Him why he has chosen a husband for me who had not waited for me. This was a constant struggle in my walk with Christ. I believed the lie that satan told me that i was not worthy of a man of God, who was equally yoked and as obedient as i had been. We broke up and i figured this was the reason all my future relationships failed, because this man had ruined me. and yet, when i remembered the next big relationship, centered on God, i also was brought back to the pain that was me, in my insecurities and desire to be loved and cherished, leading the relationship in the ways of the world instead of allowing the man to lead in the ways of Christ. This is the pattern that followed.
I would live for God and be His child, and i would meet a man who was a child of God as well. We would have incredible spiritual chemistry and the relationship was wonderful. But at some point i stopped being the woman and i would take the lead, leading us to the ways of the world. My heart cries with the realization that it was always my fault, it was always ME LEADING our relationship into sin....
this has lead me to believe that my new-found desire to be a wife and a mother (as in, i JUST started wanting kids about a year ago...) is a desire that will never be fulfilled. I need to kill this dream. It is not important, only Jesus is. I cannot be a slave to both Him and the world, so i choose to be a bond slave of the Lord Jesus Christ, sacrificing my dream of ever having a relationship leading to marriage.
i know that in my own desires i will not have a successful relationship. I know now that i must give all authority to Jesus and not try to take the lead. I will let the Christ-loving man that i am attracted to lead us in the light of the LORD and no longer be a Jezebel. i cannot keep running in circles and trying to please man. It's a chasing after the wind. I will only aim to please Jesus. With this as my only goal in life, i trudge forward, relying on Him for all comfort and love and joy and peace and truth.