Schizophrenia, Multiple Personalities, Hipocracy....selfcontrol?

I coulda hit him. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to just turn around and GLARE at him. I wanted to say "we are here to WORSHIP GOD, if you are not, PLEASE LEAVE and if you are, please STOP TALKING!"
So much for praying extra hard that the distractions stay away. Mikes loud or soft, music blaring, lights confusing, papers misplaced, words forgotten....
I recall Jesus saying that He came for the sinners because the it is not the healthy that need a doctor, but the sick. In the medical field, i further know that those who do not see themselves as sick (ie a sinner) will not go to a doctor nor take his advice, even if He comes to them with the script already written and filled. **SIGH**
How horrible is it that i see my sin, and it tears me up trying o live for God and yet still sinning, and then i can see others who have no reverence for the Most High....it just makes me angry. I could not sing because i heard talking behind me. I had to just pray.
How can i love someone and hate what they are doing? how can i show my brother where he is sinning, when i myself am sinning in a different way? ughhh but are we not called to do so, in love!?
My spirit is not at rest. it is very uneasy. it is broken. it is groaning. i long to do God's will and to kill my sin and help my brothers and sisters to kill their sin, but how can i when we will not admit it! will not see it as sin! will not turn away from it! AH! What distress, the Bible puts it perfectly with calling it groaning! I long so much for just a word from God and then He goes and sends me to people to whom i can share. And it is there i see how He can use me, even when i feel that i am so useless. so powerless. so distressed. What a joy it is to be used by God, even when you least expect it.

When it rains it pours. And believe me, HE REIGNS ;)

So this is a lot of posting for one day! but i must share just HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD! He put on our hearts the same thing, for we are of one Spirit, able to discern what it is He says. And these were the notes i took.

what we need:
Courage to call out the backslider
Accountability
Convictions from the BIBLE and not our FEELINGS which can deceive us
Submit to the authority God has placed above us

physical ideas:
pray as led-have a prayer "suggestion" in the worship guide for those who aren't led at that particular moment by the Spirit; include the Lord's prayer (Luke 11)
accountability partners
between thrive and latenight, or during latenight in a special room, a place for those who want to "dig deeper" to pray and discuss the sermon (kind of like the prayer room)
the sign that asks the visitors to enter the sanctuary in quiet prayer, and to please not leave during the service, and to turn cell phones off (like for prayer and praise night)
As Queen Esther prayed and fasted, and had her ladies pray and fast, we too should pray and fast before bringing up the bigger issues to those in authority over us

I wanted to have a place to have these written out so anyone who has more to add can comment or message me to tell me what else needs to be added but i think this is a start. :)

Relief, Restoration and Redemption

I've been going through a lot lately. Truthfully, who hasn't been? Why should my life matter any more than my neighbor's? or my sister's? (actually, she's got 2 kids, a husband and a baby on the way to take care of so her life SHOULD matter more than mine, right?) But in reality, we are ALL precious. ALL of our lives are "worth it!" The One and Only perfect Man died a death He didn't owe because i had a debt i couldn't pay. He did it for me. He did it for you. He did it for your mother. He did it for your future spouse. He did it for Obama. He did it for Jackson. He did it for Vick. He did it for your grandmother.....

so in my daily struggles and fears, i realized just how much Jesus did for me. He shed His BLOOD. His redeeming, purifying, restoring blood for my soul. It took me this particular stressor to realize just how precious His blood is! His pain, His shame, His hurt....was for my relief, restoration and redemption. Wow. I am in awe. Are you?

I was blessed to have my fears relieved. to fear something, to be in such bondage to a fear, is a horrible feeling. i was in chains, bound to this fear. The relief that came when my fear was proved wrong, the freedom which it brought, was such a wonderful gift from God. No words can explain. I pray you will feel it for yourself and so will understand what i am saying!

The restoration came after the fear was relieved. He broke my chains to this fear and restored my faith in Him and in a future. He restored my body to health and my soul to Himself. He restored my faith, giving me a peace that passes understanding. again, i pray that you will experience something that leads you to feel this deep-seeded peace that i have in my Jesus!

Redemption. Oh what a glorious word! how wonderful! how beautiful! We are redeemed by the Blood of Jesus. His suffering, His death and Resurrection has redeemed us to be sons and heirs of God if we just accept His gift and live for Him! And oh what a great decision to choose to live for Jesus! To feel His redemption!

To be redeemed, to be restored and to be relieved all go together. They all have such unexplainable feelings that i just pray you will feel them. I hope that this gave you a glimpse of what i am experiencing. Thanks for reading :)

Same ol fight

I'm sick of this same ol same ol
i'm sick of the pass n fold
im sick of this back and forth again
i'm sick of your "that was then"
i cant keep this up
this is not real love
why must we always fight
why wil you not see the light
i am not her, she is not me
what we had was not, wont be
you know me baby
how i've been acting lately
you know me darlin
my out is really in

i don't know what to do
i feel so lost without you
but each word you say
breaks my heart each day
i cant sit here and wait
for you to still hate
i cant change your heart
you keep throwin darts

one of these days you will see
that i was right, i'm me
you know me so well
so why is this you cant tell
you know it all, you do
and so what's wrong with you

can't you see i could love you
forever and a day too
if you will just let me
but you are too stubborn i see
you say you never change
and yet can't seem to stay the same

whatever, it's done, i'm through
i need to see i cant have you

Lies, deception, disrespect....

So i found out some highly surprising and upsetting news a few moments ago. apparently, for the last few months, my eyes were blind and i could not see the truth staring me in the face. He had me fooled. I allowed myself to be made a fool of by him. Satan is the Father or Lies, the Accuser, the Devil. He deceives and is dishonest. there is no truth in him.  He will distort things to make you see what he wants you to believe, anything he can do to get you to glory himself instead of the One Worthy of all Glory and Honor! i cant believe i didnt see thru his tricks! but of course, this was something i was blinded to. Oh how a wolf can hide in sheeps clothing! and how the devil waits like a roaring lion to snatch us up! he is more patient than me, he waited for the right moment and caused me to see things his way for i did not see that i was blind.  i thought i had such great discernment and that God was the orginator of this relationship, but alas i made my deal with the devil!  how could i b so stupid! i was fooled! and now a fool, i am shamed! as i see the truth, as i see through you......

How ironic that lies would continue in something born of a lie. all the things you told me and then took back, you could never make up your mind. you are a schizo. clinically insane. what was i thinking!? i refused to listen to the Spirit telling me that you were lying, that our relationship was a lie, that it was not of God. i thought for sure that it was the devil trying to tear us apart, but no. now i see it was God who was warning me but i turned a deaf ear!

WOE IS ME! Forgive me Father for not listening, for ignoring your voice! let me never misinterpret You again! Let me always listen and obey! Let me not rely on my own intuition, but on Your voice alone Lord. Let me not continue to make the mistakes i have made and help me to correct those that i have.

DNR

So im stealing the lessons from Jay and writing them in here because they have really been hitting me lately.

Of course, when God has been puttin 1 Sam 15 on my heart for the past week, i like to go to context and see whats around it. of course the verse that sticks out to me is what CLIMB is about tonight.

1 samuel 16:1: The Lord said to Samuel, "how long will you mourn for Saul since I have rejected him as your king over Israel? Fill your horn with oil and be on your way; I am sending you to Jesse of Bethlehem. I have chosen one of his sons to be king."

God said, "Becky, how long will you mourn this relationship since i have rejected it as good? Prepare again to be MY bride and leave this past relationship dead. I am drawing you closer to Jesus. I have chosen Him to be your everything."
Wow, truely God is telling me something here. When He sends many people that know and love Him to say the same thing to me, and His Word says the same thing to me, who am i to say no?

Samuel had high hopes for Saul. He justified Saul's disobedience, (But Lord, look-he brought this as an offering to you...). He was upset that Saul did not meet God's requirements. God "was grieved that He had made Saul king over Israel"(15:35b)  This corresponds so perfectly to my life. I had high hopes for this relationship. I justified my disobedience. I saw it as what God wanted for me, and though God did put him as my boyfriend, just as He put Saul as king, I am upset that the relationship did not meet God's requirements and i'm sure that we grieved God.

How beautiful, though, it is that Jesus was born from the lineage of the Son of Jesse that God then made king after Saul! Samuel mourned for Saul, but if he knew what God was doing, he should have been praising Him for bringing into fulfillment the many prophesies for the Messiah! And how great this can be as an encouragement to us in our lives! When we give up, completely kill and leave to never resuscitate (DNR) our sins or anything that keeps us from God, we open up the way for Jesus to come!

Though i know it was hard for Samuel to follow the Lord (he even asks God how he will accomplish this because he fears Saul will kill him), it was worth it. This is how it is for me in my life, and for my readers. If God is telling you to leave something behind, do it. When He tells you to go to Bethlehem and see your Savior, go and see. For there is truly nothing greater than Jesus Christ. I believe this. Now i must live this.

I'm sorry. I love you and what we had was great. But we could not kill all the livestock. Though we had good intentions, we did not follow to a T. I must take up my cross and show Jesus He is the only King of my life, lover of my soul.....

Please keep me accountable

Singles 7 Commitments to a God-First Life:
I commit to trusting God's goodness and timing.
I commit to investing in ministry and developing God-First friendships
I commit to asking God to help me make the very most out of this season.
I commit to believing God will bring me what I need when I need it.
I commit to only entering a God-First dating relationship
I commit to a lifestyle of Purity
I commit to trying to seek God first in every area of my life.

Sin

What an ugly, foul, disgusting thing sin is! We must kill it. Daily, hourly, minutely, secondly....."flee temptation" "resist the devil and he will flee from you" "dead to sin in Christ's death and raised to walk with Him in new life." There are so many sayings, from the Bible, from the pulpit and from the heart, but how can we apply all of this?
Less than a week ago i asked some close friends, "When does a Christian stop sinning? or do we ever?" This question was met with emphatic "nope"s "never"s, and "we are always striving, never perfect"s. Scripture was used to back up their responses, but it just didn't sit well with me. Yeah, im not saying im ever gonna be completely perfect, but i can, excuse me-THROUGH JESUS i can--conquer this particular sin that still has me in bondage, right!? I MUST. He commands us "be Holy, for I am Holy." yet even PAUL struggled with sin, he was given a "thorn in [his] side to keep [him] humble" and is famous for "I do what i do not want to do and do not do that what i want to do." If PAUL couldn't conquer sin then we can't either right?
But what about sanctification. Is that just to say that because we call on Jesus as our Savior that we are set apart and even when we do sin that we have Jesus to make us sanctified even when we knowingly sin?! And yet, this is also answered to the disciples in that NO--do NOT go on sinning to just receive more grace.  So it all comes down to this-we sin because we are disobedient and not fully submitting to God. I want to be completely surrendered to God. I do not want to keep on sinning. I do not want this "thorn in my side" to keep me humble! I feel that i can be humbled without it! With it i feel i am the worst hypocrite of all! (And this i have said)
--side note, (i love where Paul "talks as a fool" in "boasting" with how he is a better Jew etc just to show that the only boasting should be in Christ! He alone is worthy :))
This Christianity thing, it's more than a "religion" to me. It's more than "a way of life." It's the only life. If i cannot be all in, im not in it at all. For as much of a balanced girl i try to be, this is the one thing in my life i MUST be radical about. This is the ONE thing that i WILL be radical about and will not back down. Christ is the center of all i do. I must make that the honest truth and live to make His name high. This means killing my sin. This means i can no longer do the "things of the flesh," nor even think on them. Man! I must live under a rock! maybe. Maybe i just need to remember i am Not Of This World