The usual starts out neg turns pos

i dont know what to say
there are no words for today
such a rollercoaster ride im on
the high i felt all day is gone
just because i heard some song
that remind me you're where i belong
but i know those songs are not so true
because i do not belong with you
The Truth has shown me what i really want
and that right now i need to not be on the hunt
it's just hard to hear these songs i love
and think that you fit me like a glove
when i know im just a hopeless romantic
and these songs just make me frantic
so i need to turn the radio off and lift up a prayer
and know that of me and you God will take care
i rest in His arms and place my trust in Jesus
and plead with Him to take away all thoughts of "us"
what could have been and what ifs arent healthy
i'm gonna make my counselor quite wealthy
i know this unrest is due to what is to come
i know who this anxiousness is coming from
i refuse to listen to the negative attitudes,
In love and hope from Christ I get my cues
i place it down in front of my savior, the foot of the cross
For compared to Him all else is loss
i press on to the goal and the calling i've been given
and in His grace i chose to live in.
Even when i think of the daily stresses
i know where my Faith Hope and Love is

Giving up control but not hope

i still absolutely adore you and respect you
still wanna be your best friend and support you
but now i know i need to give you space
to let us both grow in our faith
i've got things to work on i know
and getting help so watch me grow
im not doing this for you though i'm doing it for me
to be the woman God's created me to be
and if we end up together later in life
and you decide you want me as your wife
we'll be blessed by this time apart
because then ill be able to fully give my heart
where i wont be so full of nag and mope
so im giving up control but not hope

Wavering Faith

I heard it said that it's not the amount of faith you have
but what you do with it that matters
and right now Lord, im putting it all on You
i wish and plead and pray, make this true!
im holding out for a miracle because that's what it'll be
but then i lack the faith and let it go because thats just me
 This clinging to hope must have just been a facade.
my wavering faith distracts me from obeying my God.

I believe i hear a word from You Lord
the best thing i have ever heard
i cling to Your promise that i want so bad
i get it and it makes me so glad!
then the doubt comes into play
and i forget what i had heard you say
i know it's gonna be hard but will it be worth it
You wont answer that and i throw a fit
start believing that it wasn't true
wavering faith makes me doubt it was You

Allowing the doubt to seep to my spirit
i close my eyes and try to hear it
the truth, but all i hear is "it's gone,
you messed up, you were just a pawn"
i start believing that maybe i was wrong
to believe in something i wanted so long
How could i receive when i'm so broken
my every wish, the special token.
though i want so bad to hold him tight
this wavering faith is losing the fight

My doubt leads to my own sabatoge
and now me he seems to dodge
i fullfilled my own doubting prohesy
mine again he'll never be
then a glimmer of hope and faith
as i look up and see his face
and am reminded how cool he is
and i will fight to keep this
my faith grows stronger through the storm
but my wavering faith is slightly torn

the hardships continue and mostly my fault
in fact, in this, he has played no part
It was my doubt that tore us apart
and the lack of me gaurding my heart.
i cant find my footing, though it is on Christ
all i can see is im ruining my life
i just want to do things right, trust and obey
but with this wavering faith there is no way

so Lord please right this seesaw of doubt
turn into a smile my constant pout
it is in You alone i place my hope
faith in You is how i cope
in You i am sure and confident
Faith in You is what i meant
to not have wavering faith in small possible promises
But to love and live in all Jesus is

In YOU alone i place my trust Jesus. **Que sera sera**

I wanna be your best friend

Just want to forewarn you, i wrote this while i was probably 3/4 asleep after listening to rap all day so this is kinda in rap form (well it's my first shot at it. trying right before bed. haha i shouldnt even be posting this...)

I wanna be your best friend
your always-there friend
willing to do back bends
On your side of the fence
i wanna know you in and out
what you love, what you're about
what you believe and whatever you doubt
i want to feel how you feel
your favorite song, favorite meal
know you so well i can help you to deal
know you physically to help you to heal
the only girl you lean on
the only girl you cling to
the one you feel like you always knew
i wanna be the one you trust so tight
hear my opinio cuz it's sometimes right
be the girl you say sorry to to end our fight
end each day saying have a great night
i want to be that girl you desire
to start in your heart a warm fire
to take you higher and higher
and of me that you'll never tire
it's too much to expect or demand
thats why ill be content just to hold your hand
becuase i feel im holding a hundred grand
when near you my ships finally landed
so i cant tell you how i feel
even though each day is so real
i know we need time to heal
because we both got a past, we need to deal
but i just want you to know boy
that to me you are no toy
so ill wait to be your joy
make it so you have no worry

can't force a connection

it took me a while to see
but now You are telling me
i can't force a connection
i can't stop the rejection
just because it is my desire
doesn't mean it's been refined by fire
Looking good on paper isn't enough
This road is tougher than tough
i know You said it would be hard
but i didnt know it'd be like digesting lard
with chains on his heart, closed and barred
 I just want a little assurance
just one slow dance
for him to tell me how he feels
for me to know Your Word heals
He doesnt show me what i need
and on Your Word alone i should feed

i cant force a connection
i wont face the rejection
im stuck in a tight space
and all i wanna see is Your face
Guide me Lord lest i fall
Grant me faith, even so small
Direct my thoughts in the right way
Give me the words that i must say
If oil and water cant combine
and this man is not to be mine
make it clear in every sense
because you know my head is dense


Is it supposed to be this difficult
walking on eggshells so he doesnt bolt
and even so crushing a few
but i will rely on You
let me lean into Your strong arms
when all i hear are the harms
when i am beat down on my face
let me experience Your grace
the friction helps to buffer out the blemish
but i dont want my joy to deminish

Thank You God i dont need to fight for Your love
This connection we have is more than enough
You hold me close and love me right
even when i push and shove and fight
cant force a connection to You though
So to You i humbly bow low
knowing it's by Your mercy and grace
that i can pray and seek Your face.

When all other things in life are hard
You are my constant my Lord
Though other connections cause friction and burn
it is for You alone i will yearn
Teach me Your ways and to mold more like You
to fit completely and be held on with glue
tighter than any connection i long for
Closer to You, i want more
You be the positive that draws out my negitive
You bring me back from the dead so that i live
bind our connection in Heaven and earth
let me find in You my true worth.

No other connection can be as strong
so i will not fear when they go wrong
i can't force a connection with anyone
but why would i want to when i have the Son





When God told me this would be the year of purging and purity, i didnt know it was gonna hurt this much. #being refined and redeemed by God's holy fire

im starting to realize that PATIENCE is not JUST waiting, but having a joyful attitude while we wait. God shared that with me today and i was like, "really?! i'm just starting to get the WAITING part down, You mean i have to do it with the right heart too?! ugh...." such a hard lesson, but He is teaching me. It seems so basic, with God caring more about our heart condition behind our actions, that even if i do not force something to happen, my attitude of wanting MY way in MY time (even if i dont actively pursue it) is disobedience to God. This is big to me. I have been praying forEVER for God to teach me patience, to grow that fruit in me, and just when i start being able to "let go and let God," i realize that i am NOT actually being patient because i do not have the patience in my SOUL, in my HEART. I'm trying so hard to appear patient while my heart and mind are scheming how to get what i want. UGH! This sin nature goes so deep and hurts so much. Praying for a renewed mind and pure heart to honestly cultivate patience, outside and inner. 


"It will be my Joy to say//Your will//Your way//Always" #Passion2012