Thursday, January 6, 2011
it's always the same
God, I don’t know what I want. I just know what I am right now is not it. I am stuck in the middle and can’t make myself move. Am I so afraid of rejection so afraid of failure that I refuse to give my all one way or another? And yet I am so passionate I do push through everything to just be on the far right side and when I find that is not satisfying to my whole self, namely the left, I run to the left to satisfy that. Why am I such a yo-yo? A roller-coaster at least has twists and turns and sometimes a slower pace or shorter distance to the opposite side, but with me, its always the same. Its always, “im gonna give God EVERYTHING and just live for HIM and not care about what other people think!” but then im right back to “im lonely and God you aren’t here so I want something now” then realize that is not satisfying to my soul so I run to God and leave all people behind. I hate this back and forth, this constant battle, this constant struggle! It is not good for man to be alone, so why can I not find someone to join me? Is it that I myself am so annoying that those who are like-minded in Christ ignore that we are of the same Spirit so they do not have to associate with me? I wonder if the people that love me for me more are those who are not in love with Jesus…..isn’t that sad?
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The yo-yo effect is common for all of us. It's why Paul says it's better to stay single then be married, it's why Jesus left the people to pray in solitude. However, it's not suppose to be one or another, it's suppose to one another. You spend time with people for the sake of God. You spend time with God for your love for God. God always comes first. People are always second. As for the constant lonliness. If you are anything like me, then it's the devils way at attacking your weak spot. Do as I have done and when this happens talk to those you trust, ask them to pray for you. Remember that God's sacrifice is enough. The people who love me the most, don't even go to church. Ironically enough. God is divine in that the people I most trust are those who barely even follow him.
ReplyDeleteAs for helpmate, that is any brother or sister of Christ. Not so much a single person, but the person at the time God is sending you too. Just as Passion, I was sent to many people who none of which were Thrive members. Continue to grow, and seek out God, he is loving as we are faithful. He will provide a means...even if we don't like it.