Heavy chest and hard to breathe
close my eyes and hate what i see
the battle rages on tonight
but i will not give up the fight
feelin like i'm beat down
by chains im bound
but i know i am free
because of Jesus in me.
i feel the wieght of the war inside
it hurts so bad but i know why
You are preparing me for greater glory
and each pain is part of the story
even when im beat down
face to the ground
i lift my hands
to the Son of Man
Grace falls freely to my soul
as i feel Him make me whole
Binds up the wounds in my heart
because i know i did my part
i put this beat down
to stand my ground
encourage you to endure
because in Him you are secure
Monday, November 28, 2011
Exponential Growth
Stuck, frozen with fear
tight grip on all i hold dear
not willing to part with my stuff
not willing to let life get rough
never any changes or growth to be had
i was content being just a little bad
but then i saw the change in you
and something changed in me too
i felt more alive when i looked at the Word
and His voice i knew i heard.
He captured me anew with His life
and my greatest desire was no longer to be a wife
i started to truly see just how real Jesus is
bigger and better and wiser than this
my old ways fade away to something new
so be patient with me when i am trying with you
our struggles are long and hard i know
but it is Christ's love i'll try to show.
i know there are times i fail and fall
But i want to stand here by you through it all.
this change in me is slow but true
and it is inspired a lot by you.
So walk this path of exponential growth with me
and we will see just how good this can be.
tight grip on all i hold dear
not willing to part with my stuff
not willing to let life get rough
never any changes or growth to be had
i was content being just a little bad
but then i saw the change in you
and something changed in me too
i felt more alive when i looked at the Word
and His voice i knew i heard.
He captured me anew with His life
and my greatest desire was no longer to be a wife
i started to truly see just how real Jesus is
bigger and better and wiser than this
my old ways fade away to something new
so be patient with me when i am trying with you
our struggles are long and hard i know
but it is Christ's love i'll try to show.
i know there are times i fail and fall
But i want to stand here by you through it all.
this change in me is slow but true
and it is inspired a lot by you.
So walk this path of exponential growth with me
and we will see just how good this can be.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Spirit-living-Today!
Cause and effect. It is something we learn early on in childhood, and continue to develop throughout our life. It's amazing when you add that level of spirituality to it where you KNOW that even within the laws of cause and effect, God is present and moving. I got to see some of that this week, especially today. Where to start! Honestly, i guess i would have to say this all started earlier this week, or even up to two weeks ago.
I had a choice to make. Either of the two options would be a great thing, but i chose the one that was out of my comfort zone. Either option i could get the notes from, but for some reason i just felt God calling me to the Autisim confrence. so i went. And God just opened my eyes and my heart so wide! i prayed for those that i would encounter, as well as my brothers and sisters in Christ who were on my heart. i prayed for wisdom, purity, guidance. I saw things that i thought needed change, so i prayed for Our God to have HIS will and way in our lives. Fast forward to today.
I knew it would be an important day, and maybe that was why i was so nervous and careful to pray constantly. Even a dream i had had warned me that i would have to make a choice and i resolved in my mind to chose God. I had a wonderful day at work that just encouraged me as an RN. I advocated for my patient. I was putting HIS needs before mine, as any good nurse would do but this time it really was a sacrifice on my part. No need to get into any more details other than to show that this was one step i took to say, "God, i know what i want, but i know that it is not the best. so i want what you want. i choose to desire YOUR will above mine." And it didnt turn out the way i wanted, but i was pleased because it was what GOD wanted. Oh, and he held my hand for a good half-hour or more. it was the sweetest thing...truely a gift from God
so i get home, and i am greeted with SMILES from my youngest niece who til this point has been scared of me. She actually LAUGHED and SMILED and was thoroughly enjoying me being home to play with her. I gave her kisses, tickled her, tried to hold her, and just enjoyed her innocence. Children really are such a blessing. I can still remember every smile and giggle and sloppy kiss (she's drooly, what do you expect?:)) She is truely a gift from God.
I had made plans to see a friend at that time, so while i hated to leave my sweet baby niece, i knew she had to nap soon anyway. so i left to see my friend. On the way, i prayed for patience and God's will. I prayed that i would stay away from sin and that my brothers and sisters would as well, as i often pray. I get to my friend's house and we have an awesome day, just enjoying God's creation and the beautiful day. I even took pictures of the sky (maybe more than i should have but i wanted the reminders!) Although temptation reared it's ugly head in different ways, i was able to resist the devil and he fleed (flew? fled?). (HOLY SPIRIT workin thru me-i could NOT have said no if it was me in my self!)
On my way home i was able to call a friend. I knew instantly that although she said she was fine, she was far from fine. I drove right over. The reason she had been upset was a reason that broke my heart, in a way that i had never felt before. i knew (this is the Holy Spirit's power here, by HIM ALONE did i know) that she needed me, that she needed to talk, that something big was going on. When she explained what it was, i was just in awe of how Our God works, for she was feeling just what i had prayed for her to feel and she was able to live in closer step to Jesus (and another believer!) because of it! DOUBLE WIN!
We were able to witness a beautiful event together, and while there, i met a young man with Asberger's (which is a form of autism, oh, also this week i watched a PHENOMENAL movie about autism called temple grandin-such a wonderful movie. stop reading this blog and go order it. seriously.) Ok, now that you bought the movie continue reading. So this young man, just blessed me so big just by being there. it was another way that God showed me, "look, yes, this is my child. These are my children. I love them. You love them to. I will use that love that we share for them to do great things, in their individual lives and collectively." You (the reader) may or may not think i am crazy for this, but when i do my master's thesis on something with autism and it gets published, just remember that it was GOD who said it would happen and GOD who did it through me. ok. so back to this blessing. I was able to talk to him. to calm him down. to help him feel comfortable in an overwhelming social situation. this blessed me because it showed me how God can work through me. Any help or guidance or love or anything positive he gained form tonight was THE WORK OF THE HOLY SPIRIT THROUGH ME.
The night continued as Satan attempted once more to cause me to sin. This time he laid a trap to shake my closest values, unity. He started out easy enough, with a friendly happy conversation with a good friend and sister in Christ. He quickly turned it though, so that anger and confusion and deception would leak in and ruin the wonderful night that the both of us had had. By the power of the HOLY SPIRIT, i was able to find these comforting words that i will leave you with.
I had a choice to make. Either of the two options would be a great thing, but i chose the one that was out of my comfort zone. Either option i could get the notes from, but for some reason i just felt God calling me to the Autisim confrence. so i went. And God just opened my eyes and my heart so wide! i prayed for those that i would encounter, as well as my brothers and sisters in Christ who were on my heart. i prayed for wisdom, purity, guidance. I saw things that i thought needed change, so i prayed for Our God to have HIS will and way in our lives. Fast forward to today.
I knew it would be an important day, and maybe that was why i was so nervous and careful to pray constantly. Even a dream i had had warned me that i would have to make a choice and i resolved in my mind to chose God. I had a wonderful day at work that just encouraged me as an RN. I advocated for my patient. I was putting HIS needs before mine, as any good nurse would do but this time it really was a sacrifice on my part. No need to get into any more details other than to show that this was one step i took to say, "God, i know what i want, but i know that it is not the best. so i want what you want. i choose to desire YOUR will above mine." And it didnt turn out the way i wanted, but i was pleased because it was what GOD wanted. Oh, and he held my hand for a good half-hour or more. it was the sweetest thing...truely a gift from God
so i get home, and i am greeted with SMILES from my youngest niece who til this point has been scared of me. She actually LAUGHED and SMILED and was thoroughly enjoying me being home to play with her. I gave her kisses, tickled her, tried to hold her, and just enjoyed her innocence. Children really are such a blessing. I can still remember every smile and giggle and sloppy kiss (she's drooly, what do you expect?:)) She is truely a gift from God.
I had made plans to see a friend at that time, so while i hated to leave my sweet baby niece, i knew she had to nap soon anyway. so i left to see my friend. On the way, i prayed for patience and God's will. I prayed that i would stay away from sin and that my brothers and sisters would as well, as i often pray. I get to my friend's house and we have an awesome day, just enjoying God's creation and the beautiful day. I even took pictures of the sky (maybe more than i should have but i wanted the reminders!) Although temptation reared it's ugly head in different ways, i was able to resist the devil and he fleed (flew? fled?). (HOLY SPIRIT workin thru me-i could NOT have said no if it was me in my self!)
On my way home i was able to call a friend. I knew instantly that although she said she was fine, she was far from fine. I drove right over. The reason she had been upset was a reason that broke my heart, in a way that i had never felt before. i knew (this is the Holy Spirit's power here, by HIM ALONE did i know) that she needed me, that she needed to talk, that something big was going on. When she explained what it was, i was just in awe of how Our God works, for she was feeling just what i had prayed for her to feel and she was able to live in closer step to Jesus (and another believer!) because of it! DOUBLE WIN!
We were able to witness a beautiful event together, and while there, i met a young man with Asberger's (which is a form of autism, oh, also this week i watched a PHENOMENAL movie about autism called temple grandin-such a wonderful movie. stop reading this blog and go order it. seriously.) Ok, now that you bought the movie continue reading. So this young man, just blessed me so big just by being there. it was another way that God showed me, "look, yes, this is my child. These are my children. I love them. You love them to. I will use that love that we share for them to do great things, in their individual lives and collectively." You (the reader) may or may not think i am crazy for this, but when i do my master's thesis on something with autism and it gets published, just remember that it was GOD who said it would happen and GOD who did it through me. ok. so back to this blessing. I was able to talk to him. to calm him down. to help him feel comfortable in an overwhelming social situation. this blessed me because it showed me how God can work through me. Any help or guidance or love or anything positive he gained form tonight was THE WORK OF THE HOLY SPIRIT THROUGH ME.
The night continued as Satan attempted once more to cause me to sin. This time he laid a trap to shake my closest values, unity. He started out easy enough, with a friendly happy conversation with a good friend and sister in Christ. He quickly turned it though, so that anger and confusion and deception would leak in and ruin the wonderful night that the both of us had had. By the power of the HOLY SPIRIT, i was able to find these comforting words that i will leave you with.
Romans 12:17-19
17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”[a] says the Lord.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
One year...
It's odd, i think, that i am writing this, but hey, that's probably the point. I never have been really good at giving any kind of introduction to anything i have to say so i might as well get on with it. So i have been "officially" single for a year. I honestly dont know when the last time was that i had a whole year of "singleness" (read-"no boyfriend to call my own"). Maybe when i was 14 or so? and now i am 23. Wow...this is just an odd situation to be in. and yet, i find peace. So many times in my life i had yearned for a man, just to make me feel important and special blah blah blah...but it's true. It's how i felt. i didnt see the purpose in myself as a single woman, as a human, complete without another. This past year has grown me and shown me what it is to be complete.
I am complete, in Christ. He is the only man that i NEED to love me to make me complete. when HE has me completely, and i am completely in Him, i do feel complete. I am whole. I do not need another man to make my life here on earth worth it-Jesus Christ did that for me. Without Him, i am nothing. With Him, i can do all things :) I have become more confident in myself, in not needing a man to make me happy, or to keep me from being bored, or even as someone to show affection to. I am so completely happy spending time with my girlfriends and other friends from church, reading, knitting, exercising...it's crazy really, how much i have changed. I have a guinea pig that is so loving and affectionate. I hold him or hug my parents and friends, and that is enough for me. I dont need to be kissing a man that calls himself my boyfriend, nor have someone to drag to family functions with me. I am content being single. Goodness gravy! that is probably the first time i have been able to write that truth. Life is exactly where i am supposed to be right now with the people i am supposed to have. It's absurd, really, for me to think this way because i have grown up my whole life wanting a man.
that's not to say that i dont WANT a boyfriend, that i wouldnt be excited if a man i was interested in asked to spend more time with me, just means that i am not searching, not yearning, not struggling to be with a man (ANY man). I've raised the bar, id like to think. I know what i want and i know who i am. Well, im still learning i guess. How much can one really learn in just one year...
I am complete, in Christ. He is the only man that i NEED to love me to make me complete. when HE has me completely, and i am completely in Him, i do feel complete. I am whole. I do not need another man to make my life here on earth worth it-Jesus Christ did that for me. Without Him, i am nothing. With Him, i can do all things :) I have become more confident in myself, in not needing a man to make me happy, or to keep me from being bored, or even as someone to show affection to. I am so completely happy spending time with my girlfriends and other friends from church, reading, knitting, exercising...it's crazy really, how much i have changed. I have a guinea pig that is so loving and affectionate. I hold him or hug my parents and friends, and that is enough for me. I dont need to be kissing a man that calls himself my boyfriend, nor have someone to drag to family functions with me. I am content being single. Goodness gravy! that is probably the first time i have been able to write that truth. Life is exactly where i am supposed to be right now with the people i am supposed to have. It's absurd, really, for me to think this way because i have grown up my whole life wanting a man.
that's not to say that i dont WANT a boyfriend, that i wouldnt be excited if a man i was interested in asked to spend more time with me, just means that i am not searching, not yearning, not struggling to be with a man (ANY man). I've raised the bar, id like to think. I know what i want and i know who i am. Well, im still learning i guess. How much can one really learn in just one year...
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