Getting your heart back from "the one who got away"

There is this idea, this concept if you will, in love, lust and things like lunchmeat called "the one who got away." This character can be dealt with by one of two ways: dwelling on it and q chances at relationships with any other, or letting go (or as I have put it in this blog, "getting your heart back from the one who got away." This blog will deal with the latter.

Now, this situation can come about many ways. Either you loved someone who never loved you, or you loved someone who decided at some point they no longer love you. Either way, your heart is broken because someone you gave your heart to stomped it to pieces on the ground.

Gee, thanks for reminding me, you may be thinking. You are welcome. Because that is the first step in getting your heart back:
1) REALISING THE OBJECT OF YOUR OBSESSION DOESN'T LOVE YOU BACK. Ouch. I know it hurts, but only until you move onto the next part.
NOTE :steps  2 and 3 may come in the following order, at the same time, or reversed.
2)SEE HOW IT WOULD HAVE BEEN IF THEY WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU BACK.
For some, this may mean you muster up the guts to ask them out. Who knows? Maybe they want you after all.
For others, this will involve a little creativity and a whole lot of honesty. Think it through. Did their parents hate you? Did they have a cat that always attacked you? Did they like scary movies but you can't stand them? Did they want 384 children and you weren't even sure you wanted one? Really think it through. There's usually a pretty good reason for it not working out.
For others, and facebook is great for this, it wil be helpful to see how this person is acting in a current relationship. Is she so happy she can barely contain herself from writing all over his wall, hourly? Is he not responding to her? (And therefore wouldn't have responded to you). Are they getting in fb fights? (the same you would have had). Have they joined accounts? (seriously, at this point you know you can't have this one's heart and that should just make it easy to let go). And this brings me to my personal favorite....
3) LOOK AT YOUR OWN BF/GF! If you have been so blessed/lucky to be with another person while still "in love" with someone else, FOCUS ON THEM! What better way to learn that you don't need "oh-whats-her-face" than to learn what a great new woman you have! Instead of thinking how one turned you down, think of the one who said YES! Instead of trying to win the heart of someone who isn't there, focus on keeping the heart that is there.

Well folks, it's that easy. All ideas are from personal experience, and have helped me immensely, as I can type this saying that I do not hold out for anyone but my own boyfriend. I'm done letting my heart break because a boy won't like me back, and the only man worth the struggle of love is Matthew Anderson Brown!

HOw do i start?

So many thoughts running through my head....where do i start? do i start with the fact that EVERY DAY since i returned to USA from Kenya, i have been asked at least once, "when are you going back?" Do i start with how it breaks my heart to say, "i don't know....whenever God says so."

Or perhaps i start with how my cell phone has finally broken and now i am completely cellularless for the next couple days? Do i start with explaining how freeing and beautiful it has been? How stressful  and convicting?

Or maybe i should start with how blessed i am to be finally dating the man of my dreams. How he came into my life when i least expected and i still am amazed hearing his voice call me babe?

Or should i start with how my friendships have evolved and those that were away came back, those that were stayed, and more were added? How i don't know how to keep up with everyone, but i pray for each daily?

Speaking of prayer, should i start with a prayer of adoration. How amazed i am at my God and the great things HE is doing in my life and the lives around me?

Instead of starting with any of these, in stead of going into depth, I will say only what i've said. If you want to know more, feel free to ask. At this point, I am simply overwhelmed by God's work in my life and am excited to see what each new day brings.

Forgive me Lord

Forgive me Lord for the times I doubt
Tossed from wave to wave, about and about
Forgive me Lord for not trusting Your plan
When I know the best place is right in Your hand
Forgive me Lord because now I can see
Just how good Your times and plans are for me!
Forgive me Lord when I went my own way
But I praise You Lord for saving me today!
Each day You show just a enough of Your plan
To keep me guessing and hoping I can.
But in the end when i see what You've done
I'm sure I'll be glad this guessing game You've won
I could never plan as great as You do
What to do or where to move.
Forgive me Lord for trying too hard
To get what I want and losing my guard.
Forgive me Lord for sinning against You
And knowing that it's not what I want to do.
Forgive me Lord for the motives of my heart
When they are not of You, but full of dark.
Forgive me Lord, and renew my mind
Let me respond with love and be kind
Forgive me Lord, and save me now
And find me always saying "wow"

In Awe of What God is Doing in My Life

I've been in this place of awe before. Of looking at what God has done and going, "WOW!" It's not uncommon for me to tell God, "You absolutely amaze me!" But never so much as lately. And never so much in my own life. For those that know me best, you know the things i have been praying for and wanting for awhile. You know what are big things to me. You know what USED to be big things are sometimes replaced as time goes on.
When i first graduated nursing school, my plan was get hired in a hospital and work 12s and get married to an engineer or something else to give me a "comfortable" life. HAHAHAHA! God told me, though i didnt know it at the time, "I have better plans than that." Instead of being hired in a hospital, i was hired for a position at a residential pediatric facility. The 12 hour night shifts, 5 days a week, up to 17 days in a row kept me from hearing His voice...until one day i started cutting back with work and increasing my hours with friends, and eventually, God.
With less hours and more time at home i decided to start working on learning how to be a wife from the best example i had closest to me. My Mom. I told her i wanted to help her make dinner, cook, clean, everything. But that didnt last, and many times when she told me she was making something and would teach me, i would be "busy."
Fast forward about 3 years, and now i am making meals, cleaning, and helping take care of my 5 nieces and nephews. I'm working in homecare, but still working for the Lord. I'm plugging into people at church and work and attempting to show Christ and His love everywhere i go. God has become the most important part of my life, and with focusing on Him, He helps my will conform to His. To learn what it means to live in the role i am called into. To learn to be the best young adult woman living for Him i can. But also to prepare to be a wife and mother, when He says so. This is the first time i am actually paying attention to what this means, and can i just tell you, it is FUN!

I have learned, that truly,

 "For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
    the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold
    from those who walk uprightly" (Psalm 84:11)

and 

If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! (Matthew 7:11)

and

Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4)


I did not KNOW what good gifts He could give and what my heart was truly desiring until i met Him and let Him lead me. He shows me that He knows my heart even better than I do. Though i made my plans, i had not known that being a pediatric homecare nurse is so satisfying and perfect for me, at least at where i am in life now. He knew that all those others that i would chase were wrong and that He had so much better if i would just run to HIM. Now that i have, I have security and safety in my LORD GOD, who is my Sun and my Shield, Rock and Redeemer, Husband and King.

Everything failed without Him. Everything that was just good, not great, and just ok, not right, for me failed. He protected me from so much heartache, and now i have nothing to do but praise and worship Him. Because He is GOOD. And i am seeing that no good thing will He withhold when i am walking in His path.

Dear God, let me always continue in Your path. To walk in righteousness and not let my feet go to the right or to the left. When i start to wander, God i pray that You 'bind my wandering heart to Thee!' Thank You for all of the wonderful gifts You have given, are giving, and will give. I love You. In Jesus' name, Amen!"

We walk away, God doesn't

So I kept hearing that God will never abandon me, never leave me, never stop loving me. i believed it, to a point. but deep down, i
just didn't know if it was true. I accepted it as truth, but didn't really believe it. Kind of like, "exercise is a good thing." I knew in my head it was true, but my heart couldn't quite "get it." Then I cried out to God to show me, to show my heart what this means. And, true to Who He Is, He show me He did.

It is never God who turns His back on us. Jesus took that punishment on the cross. But that doesn't mean we don't turn our backs on God.

Ok, so you knew that already? Congrats. You are ahead of me in this. When I realised this, and really BELIEVED it deep in my heart I found such comfort....and shame. All those times when I felt far from God, I was walking away. Maybe I wasn't blatently sinning, but in a way, I was turning my back on the only One who will ever be able to love me fully. Wow. This hit me like a ton of bricks. Nothing like the realization that I'm walking away from my True Love and that He will never leave me....now I just pray I never walk away again.

The gap between the real me and ideal me

I'm not yet who I want to be,
But I am who I am, now, this is me
I want to grow, and grow I do,
But much too slowly I fear it's true.
I know what needs to change
And I know the change means pain
But I also know pain is not harm
And through the change I'm in Your arms.
I desperately want to be who You desire
To live for You, Your ways are higher.
But then You remind I am who I am now
And You are using me, someway, somehow.
You remind me that there are many seasons
That I will go through, for many reasons
And even when I feel so useless, You find ways
To use me and will continue, each one of my days.

dear God, i thank You for showing me the consequences of following or not following You. i pray that You help me to obey You. let the consequences of past actions motivate me to do differently. make my heart's motive to bring glory to Your name. let me see how wonderful this could be following Your way! every moment i try to turn away i pray you bring me right back to Your way, Your path. i long to obey You out of love and with a pure heart! i can see already how You have blessed me with so many blessings! i pray i do not mess this one up. help me to see Your plan and not be distracted by my own desires. i know Your plan is the best one, so i  want to yield to it, to You, to best. i want to be the woman who brings You honor and praise, who's very life brings You glory. let me store up my treasures in Heaven, because i know that Your kingdom is the one that matters! teach me how to store up treasures that do not get destroyed like those on earth. teach me to trust and obey. grant me faith and action, to believe You have the beat and to take it when You give it, and to give back that which is not for me! give me wisdom and discernment to be able to see clearly and a pure heart to walk in a way that glorifies my God.

Another Kenya story :)

I find that very often with God our plans don’t go quiet how we expect. If you would have asked me five years ago, I would say if I go overseas it is somewhere with Spanish. If you asked me three years ago, it would be the same answer with an added, and I’m really not going to Africa.  By the end of last year, I was set on Kenya. How quickly God can change my heart just awes me. I am so glad He did!

I went to Kenya for a month with Chariots For Hope on the internship program to the AIC Children’s Home in Mbooni and Kitui this summer. I expected the assessments, the health tracking form, and the sponsor letters and pictures. I even expected to do four Bible lessons and lead devotions. God proved that He had more for me to do. Not only did I do those things and completely fall in love with the people, I also grew in my own walk with Christ!

God continued to prove His faithfulness to me, and that He could do things through me that I never would have imagined. Every step along the way that I had fears, God relieved the fear by putting people in my life to feel comfortable with and grow with, whether it was the couple days with other interns or whole month with the staff and children at the home. I ended up leading devotions every night that I was in Mbooni. One night we gave an alter call, and 29 children gave their lives to the LORD! I was amazed.  Praise the Lord! Another night, we issued a devotions quiz, an examination of what they remembered from all the nights I taught. One child earned at 38/35 because he was able to gain extra credit with memory verses. The Sunday I returned from Kitui I preached in the AIC Mbooni church in the English service. Every step along the way God showed up. I couldn’t have done it without Him.

Kenya--God's faithfulness and growing my trust in HIm

            When God first put orphans on my heart, I began to understand what a “burden” was. This heightened awareness and heart for people I have never met was so intense I would find myself crying for no apparent reason, other than that God was connecting me to those He was preparing me to serve. I received a text message from my young adults pastor informing me of an opportunity to serve as an intern in an orphanage in Kenya and immediately knew it was for me. Throughout the process, applying, interviewing, preparing to leave after getting the acceptance, I knew I was going. Before I applied, I knew God had chosen me for this internship. He had placed it on my heart before I knew it existed! “But,” I thought, “even if I don’t get chosen, I know I WILL go, sometime, somehow. God will make a way.”

            This theme of God’s faithfulness and learning to trust Him continued throughout the internship. I had many doubts rise up before leaving for Kenya, but each time they would appear, God would bring something to me to remind me that He is faithful and I can trust He will me with me. The one evening I was driving home from work and a blue truck had the license plate “Kenyan.” I almost had to pull over! God is so good to give us just what we need to build our faith and trust in Him!

            In Kenya, so many things happened that deepened my trust in God. From leading devotions every night to traveling in different areas and preaching a Sunday sermon to allowing myself to not hold back with the kids, I kept seeing how He has provided for His children. This was my first time in Kenya, in Africa. It was my first time staying alone in a country I didn’t know. I was scared, but because of last minute changes the first two nights I had another intern stay with me. God used that time to acclimate me to Mbooni and when she left, I felt God’s faithfulness in allowing me to have that time to adjust.

            Now that I have returned to America, God has shown continued faithfulness by allowing me to enjoy some time “adjusting to reality.” I met up with so many missionary friends, and even people I just met! It encouraged me to continue to trust God and bask in His faithfulness. I am so excited to return to “my” Home in November with Kenya’s Kids!

You say you like me, and I like you too.
But wait it out is what we gotta do.
Take our time to get to see where this is going
Instead of jumping in and start this growing
It makes good sense to have a solid foundation
And to God's will we want "us" to have consecration.
But when you don't want to tell people I'm yours
I start to doubt, to wonder, starting mind wars
Do you really like me or is it just a cover-up?
Do you want to be with me or think this could be love?
If you already see we will not be
Let me know if you've given up on me.
But if you think we could be forever,
Then why take so long to put us together?
I'm not saying its wrong to wait
Just wondering why we are still at the gate
The gun has gone off and we have not yet started to run
Together we just stand and look at the gun.
Are we too scared to find the truth about us?
Because if it's good,that takes a lot of trust.
But if it is bad, there goes some hope, a dream.
But standing here I feel like I need to scream 

Poem to my husband

Future husband, can't you see?
I'm busy being who God made me.
I don't have time to think about you
I need to look and grow, improve.
I can't be focused on who you are,
What we could be, whether near or far.
I won't allow my time to be wasted,
I know the Lord is good, this I have tasted.
So see me where I am and who I am and how
Because this is the present, and this is me now

Each day I pray for you I wonder what's wrong
What is it that is keeping our wait so long?
Are you failing to notice me, or me to catch your heart?
Am I failing to display virtue, failing in my part?
Or do we already know and we are just scared?
Feeling so young and so ill-prepared?
Husband I love you, already tonight.
So if you love me too, why put up this fight?
If you already know, if God has made it clear,
Then why, dear love, why do we fear?

Only the Lord my Maker is Husband.
I come alive, beautiful in His hand.
On Him alone can I count and depend
Knowing my honor only He can defend.
I cannot think of a mere mortal man
When I think of prince charming taking my hand.
Only This King could capture my heart
And be the One from whom I never depart.
Oh Heavenly Husband I ask this of You:
Bind me and make me to You always true!
Let no earthly man, mine or not,
Take from You this princess You bought!

quick thought before church....

thinking about Jesus as I prepare for church. I got to thinking...so the Jews didn't get what they were expecting with the Messiah. they were seeing someone to come in and save them from Rome...but God had in mind to save them from an ETERNITY of Hell. what is it that we expect God to answer in one way and yet He answers in a different, BETTER way? one thing i thought of was marriage (no surprise there!) i know when i think about what i want in a husband and God reminds me He is my husband (isa55:4) i am floored.with how much better my Heavenly Husband is than any man i could dream up! so it is my prayer, that whenever my dreams are smaller than God s, that He will show me and help me walk in His

Post-Kenya Summer 2012 Trip

Here is what so may have been waiting for. When you ask me, "How was Kenya?" and i reply, "absolutely amazing and completely life-changing!" i am not exaggerating. I know it is hard to believe that this 5 year Spanish taker, heat-hating, America-loving, comfort junky actually changed in Africa, but it happened. I didn't plan to go to Africa until it hit me. It wasn't on my radar, my first connection to Africa fizzled and i wasn't even feeling it. Maybe it was just the wrong timing.

I should just type up some notes from the journal i wrote while i was preparing for, and then in Kenya, but maybe later. Right now, this is what i have to say. Kenya literally changed my life. I left with my life in ruins and returned with it in even more ruins (if we can even imagine that!), but with a lot more peace. Yes, you read that right. More stress, but more peace. And the amount of peace doesn't even compare to that of stress. I have truly been able to adopt the attitude of, "sawa sawa" or "it's ok" for you English-speakers.
Most of you know, or maybe not, that before i left my laptop's trackpad stopped tracking, my cellphone stopped charging(and holding a charge), my bff stopped being forever, and my potential job started rolling (after about a year of waiting and praying). Oh, and boy issues, as always, but that wasn't on the forefront of my mind.
From the time we got dropped off in the airport, God proved to us that He would show up when we cry out to Him. That He is not far away, that He hears. That He responds. That He cares, even about the littlest things. And the biggest things....so many stories to tell but instead of putting them here, i want to put the lesson learned. That God is faithful and i can trust Him no matter what. When i was scared about being alone, He showed He is faithful. When i was scared to go on a mutatu, He showed me i can trust Him. When i was feeling just a little sick, He showed me He answers prayers, in His timing, in His way, with who He chooses. When i hit conflict, He showed that He is sovereign still. When i hit another conflict, He showed that He surrounds me with people that can help. When i was frustrated, He reminded me that "You will keep in perfect peace^(A)

    him whose mind is steadfast
    because he trusts^(B) in you." (Isaiah 26:3 NIV84)...so many lessons, so many times.

 Ok, some stories, just so you don't think i was there just to learn. I did help out! Haha. There were about 120 assessments to finish. These wellbeing assessments included a physical, spiritual, emotional, social, and educational section, as well as a health tracking form. Each section had 10 statements each child was to rate and the health tracking form included some extra questions, as well as checking eyes and teeth, height and weight. I also took pictures of each child to send to their sponsors, and helped with packing the letters as well. I lead devotions every night, gave the kids a quiz on the things i taught and even preached a Sunday service. In Kitui, the baby home, i helped to prepare meals for the babies, change and bathe the babies, and even got to take blood! The most important thing i think from the month, was sharing the love of Christ and seeing 29 children give thier lives to Christ. I pray for them and that they continue in knowing Christ more each day! More stories and details to come:) Check fb for pictures.

Last Post before Kenya/Letter to God

Dear God, You are completely good, and perfect, and just, and holy. Your Word tells me that You have good plans for me, and that all things will work out together for the good. You also tell me that i will suffer. and if i suffer for You that is a good thing. Help make me more mature and complete. And i know i have been asking You to make me more mature and complete, and to use me and let me share in Your sufferings, but really? You think i can handle all this? You know i cant. You know this is the tipping point and there is no other place i can go but to You and Your arms. And i thank You. And i praise You. That though this has been the hardest couple weeks of my life, that though You are taking EVERYTHING i once held dear away, i know YOU are in control and You are GOOD! I know that this trial i am in is not because You hate me, but that You discipline those You love.That those who join in Your suffering will also join in Your righteousness. and for that reason i count each insult, each jab, each hurt as gain.

This world has nothing for me i will follow YOU! Right into Kenya...

If you read this, please pray that God continues to mature me, but that i will be able to endure, keep my focus on Him and not lose faith hope or love....thanks and much love!

Victory in Christ-the CBAs

It's the best, most freeing and real thing I've ever felt. Better than appreciation, hardwork, food, sleep.com ANYTHING! Its funny, because God really does like to do things "backwards" from our human thinking.
First we have to C victory in Christ. C it exsists, c it in our life.
Then BELIEVE. Believe it can happen for us, that we can feel it and that it is there even if we Don't feel it. Believe that we HAVE victory in Christ bc HE SAID SO
Lastly, ACT in a way that shows you c and believe in victory in Christ in your life!

:)

Freedom has never felt this free before. Praise God for this level of freedom!

Flowers of differing stages

So I saw this branch on my table at valley forge park.  I noticed 2 flowers on it, but when I looked closer, I also saw 2 buds. Each of these four stages of "new growth"(one of my mom's favorte phrases:)) was slightly different from the next. First, look at the beautiful flower. Its perfect, compared to the other flower at least. The other flower looks either old or eaten up. But if the other flower was not on the branch, would we know what the flower was supposed to look like? Maybe I would have not noticed the rest of the branch....the buds. One is starting to bloom, but still not quite like the beautiful flower. Looking closer, there is also a fully closed bud with no flower yet showing.

This, along with all of my encounters with john 15, led me to wonder which stage of bloom I am in. Surely I am not yet the perfect beautiful flower, but am I the tattered flower? Have I bloomed only to be eaten by satan? No, because tho I have my moments of doubt, i am not torn apart. am i
not yet bloomed? a mere bud? and yet, there can be fruit/Flowers seen in
my life.

later, after this above post,i saw a case for sale with a tree with roots and heartsas flowers. it immediately reminded me of Jeremiah 17:8 & psalm 1:3..which i have now put on the case as well as John 15. all good reminders to what fruit i am growing and where my roots are. :)

Tired of fighting-only HE has the power

I'm so tired.
Tired of the fight
Of running from Your Light
And running from True Life.
I'm tired of my flesh controlling
And my soul not patroling
My soul asleep in the midst of the war
Cannot protect, so my heart is torn

I'm tired of the arguements
Of lies and untaken hints
So tired of trying to prove right
That you've wronged me in my sight
That you don't know the Truth that you do
And so, again, I have lost you.

I'm tired of the manipulation,
Trying to control every relation.
Playing mind games to "win" their love
When all I want is the One Above.
Using whatever I can to gain a "friend"
Only to find it didn't work in the end.

I know I'm the wrong in each situation
Because I'm so tired of being alone.
But do I prefer the confusion and chaos
Or can I finally see that I am not lost?
That Your hand guides along still waters
And I will rejoice with your other daughters.

I keep striving and going and reaching
Keep yearning and learning and teaching.
But the problem through it all is the me and the I
Because now I know that You are the only guy
Who can do all I fail to do, Jesus alone! Not me
And He doesn't even need my help, its not we.

In His power alone I get through the day
Rise up on wings like eagles as they say.
But it is all His power within me
That produces anything of beauty
So why try and yearn and strive
When all I have to do is abide

God, thank You for showing me this throughout the events of the day. That everything in and of my self is utterly worthless, but in every area that You have restored, redeemed, renewed, there can be good to spring out, but only in Your power. Apart from You I am nothing. Let me ever abide in You. Let me never lose my sight of the Vine nor the Vinedressor. Let my fruit be ever ripening and the pruning well worth the trouble and pain. In Jesus's name alone, where there is the power to change all things, amen.

Confirmation that i am not supposed to tell everyone everything

Beth moore's morning and night devotional confirmed that which I felt God teaching me, a simple lesson to remind me that He alone is God. Jesus Christ is the ONLY only OnLY human that I could possibly tell everything to, to trust completely to never harm me, to know how to respond to my every thought and emotion. I'm learning more and more why it is called a PERSONAL relationship w Jesu Christ.

Styrofoam, a mug, and china

Some may regonize the title as a title of a chapter in Dannah Gresh's And The Bride Wore White. So here I am, 23 years old, single, and I'm trying to be the china....

For those who don't know, styrofoam cups are those use once at a picinic type cups that are great when you don't want a cup you really have to take care of. And some girls put themself out to appear to be just that to guys. Something to use when you need something quick but don't want to take care of it.
A mug is nicer, something that may have some sentimental value to you, so you take care of it, but if it breaks, though you may be sad (and upset at the mess you have to clean up), but you can buy another similar mug, or even just use one of your other mugs.
But a china cup....that's something passed down for generations, has stories behind it, is stored in a place for all to see and few to touch...if that breaks or gets lost,that is a real tragedy. China is more expensive, harder to find the "right" pattern and all around more precious.

I know that I have previously been a mug, and even a styrofoam cup in the way that I portrayed myself, acting and talking as something less than the daughter of a righteous King. So now, when I finally decide to be that china cup, that rare, hard to find, have to work for, woman of God, I realise something else about china. It's rarely bought.

Though having a boyfriend didn't prove that I was doing this right (but breaking up with them all proved I was doing it wrong), there were few times in the past couple years where there wasn't a guy pursuing me. And now, when I'm showing that I am a worthy, cherishable, sturdy woman, the suitors have fled (puns anyone?;))

I know I should be glad, because it gives me time to work on myself and my relationship with God and other people, but sometimes I do get bummed. Just to catch someone's eye, to have a man decide I am worth the "hassle," to captivate with the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit....that I have yet to do. And that is the man I'm waiting for.

Why do I worry that my "prince charming" has not come yet when I have not full blossomed into the china yet? And why do I worry that he will not notice me, when I pray daily that God will open his eyes to me? This is a hard, slow, painful transformation for this cup, but I'm done with styrofoam and mugs, time to be china! <3

Why i believe in entire sanctification

so a lot of people ask me what church i go to, why i became a member and what it means to be a nazarene. entire sanctification is one of the distinctions, and i really don't know why people have a problem with it. in my opinion, i don't think i.would be able to be a Christian if i didn't believe in entire sanctification. what is the point of new life if you can't actually BE new?
as a Christian, to inherit eternal life, we must be born again, as Jesus told Nicodemus. Without being born again, regenerated, new, transformed, metamorphosis, etc, where is the eternal life? and if we are transformed only a little, what is the point? if Jesus can't take away ALL the sin, then how am i really believing He is all powerful? i am not sure i could commit to or would want a god who isn't all powerful, able to remove ALL sin, including original, which its what entire sanctification is about. it's not saying it's immediate, guaranteed, or easy. it's that it is possible and Jesus is perfect enough, God is gracious enough, and the Holy Spirit is powerful enough to give this "Christian perfection" when He wants, to whom He wants, and for however long He wants.

if you don't agree, please explain to me why not. maybe i'm just an idealist, but i really do believe we, as Christians, CAN BE PERFECT, but that it is not of us, but of God, a second grace that i pray i receive.

refining fire

so recently i have praying strongly to have only God's desires. that His "holy fire [would] burn away my desire for anything that is not of [Him] and is of me"(Jeremy camp, my desire). i prayed for His refining and consuming fire to purify me as gold. it took me until prayer walking later that night to see what God showed me in pastor Jay's message.

the book of Daniel tells of the men of God who refused to bow down to the evil king's idol and were thrown into the fire. fire is what God uses to burn away. ..( ok so He could use chemical or electrical but i'm using this revelation). no matter how close we are already following God, he can still refine us further in the fire, in the temptations of the world that we deny,.saying "my God is stronger, my God is able."

on the other side of the fire and refining process, onlookers are amazed and praising God. those delivered from the fire are unharmed, and their faith in God is strengthened, as is the whole community. i pray for a fire like that. something that effects those around me In the way that they praise God and Know and Believe He alone is the One True God!

holy fire, burn away. my desire for anything that is not of you and is of me i want more if you and less of me

Forty

Anyone who knows me and has had a major conversation with me should know I'm into numbers. In a big way. (That phrase right there, with the words being 2+1(3), 3, 3 (which, of course, was 3 3s...) was calculated subconsciously)

So when I heard that it takes 40 days to kick a habit or addiction (or make a new one), I decided that would be my chance to really stick to this fitness thing. But since I also like simple dates, I chose to start may 1 and keep it up til Kenya (june 18).

So what is included in this 40(+) day adventure of mine? I'm glad you asked! :) maybe you can help keep me accountable/encourage me....
1) no fast food. If it has a drive thru, I'm not stopping. Also giving up chips. Props to Dani for doing this with me!:)
2) exercize EVERY DAY. Some days are praisercize. Props to MaryBeth for this. Some days may be tredmill/eliptical. Some may be outside walks. Some may be swimming. All must be active:)

Now, thinking of the number 40 brings two scriptures to mind. One is the 40 years the Israelites spent in the desert bc of disobedience. The second is Jesus spending 40 days in the wilderness being tempted after being baptised. 40. A dreaded number. Full-time hours? 40/wk. Midlife crisis? 40 yrs old?(now older I think!) But back to scripture.

Jesus, the Word made flesh, knew the scriptures. He breathed them, wrote them, experienced them....so when He spend 40....was He thinking of the Israelites? I know that wasn't what satan tempted my Lord with, but I wonder if there was any discouragement in being alone for 40 days....but somehow I find peace in knowing that His answers to the devil's temptations were always scripture. Could that have helped keep His mind renewed and from being discouraged? Just a couple late night thoughts....

Short prayer for staying in Christ :)

Lord help me to do what is right in Your sight
Of the Evil One's line let me not bite
Help me for righteousness alone to fight
Not in my strength but Your strong might!

When temptation seizes my very being
Let that temptation be what I'm fleeing
Bring me back to stand on Your Word
And away from it let me not be lured!

Oh God I plead that I stay steadfast!
Will that my loyalty and commitment last!
Keep me on the path You have laid
Let Your light for me never fade!

mawwage

Just thinking....when/if I get married, I don't want the hottest/cutest/most attractive, strongest, funniest, smartest, richest, or even the most well-versed. I simply want the man with whom I can create an accurate picture of Christ and His Bride the Church. Someone willing to lead me and lay down his life for me, someone who's life ambition is glorifying God. Someone who I can submit to because he's ahead of me faith and truth.

If you are in a relationship, do you have what you want?
If you are single and looking, are you looking for what you want?
If you are thinking you will ever get married, do you KNOW what you want?
(Not necessarily ?s to answer to me, but to yourself and to ask God)

is there someone that you have not talked to in a while and are just burning with stuff to tell them? someone that you just LONG to be in conversation with, to be with, to see? Do you know how it is when even though you saw the person a couple days ago, and it was a really great time, you want to see them again, soon? Who are you thinking of? anyone? i know i am. And i know God is thinking of YOU! No matter how long ago you spent time with Him, no matter how great it was, He still wants to spend more time with you! :) Because He loves you. I'm gonna go talk to Him now and tell Him all those wonderful things i cant wait to tell the other person ;) <3 God You are so GOOD! always bringing me back around to see how YOU are my Husband! <3 I love you. So much!

explainations

lately, i have been getting the question "why?" asked of me. Why are you giving up facebook? why did you give up naps for lent? why did you like so-and-so? why are you wearing your ring again? why are you going to Kenya? why are you hanging out with those people? why are you not texting boys anymore? This blog is hopes to answer some of these.

First off, why am i writing this blog. Well, i just said to answer those questions. But a deeper answer is to provide an answer of hope in Jesus. It's great, because i could answer all those questions in just one word. Jesus. If you still don't get it. Let me give you 3 words. Jesus is enough. But for further explaination, read on.

WHY GIVE UP FACEBOOK? I am giving up facebook because, quite honestly, i was on it way to much. i was addicted. am addicted. and with the small measure of self-control i exercise, it was unhealthy. So i must build up that selfcontrol muscle before returning. For more blunt answer, i was on it more than i was with God. I would do my devos aprox 5 min then fb aprox 5 hrs. no exaggeration. what's more, is the people i would check up on would encourage me...but there were others that i should not have been checking up on that just brought me down. I dont want to be keeping tabs on people or wishing they would talk to me. Jesus is enough.

WHY GIVE UP NAPS FOR LENT? Naps were my way of dealing with my loneliness. instead of going to God, i would go to sleep. It kept me from doing the things i was supposed to do, like meet with friends, exercise, everything. So i gave them up to experience what God had for me in each day.And let me tell you, there was a lot i would have missed! I thought sleep would cover my loneliness and boredom. But it didnt. and giving up naps showed, Jesus is enough.

WHY DID YOU LIKE HIM?  Ironically, this question is gonna be answered in two different ways. One, why HIM, two why DID?
Why HIM. Because i saw Jesus in him. and i was lonely. And i thought that was what i wanted. For me, i thought a man who is in love with Jesus is enough.
Why DID? I found that Jesus is enough. For me. I dont need a man. I dont need to be affirmed by a man to know that i am special. i am loved by God. Jesus is enough.

WHY WEAR A RING? It is also twofold. One, seeing all the hardships of marriage and raising kids, im realizing that i am not ready for it so why keep myself open to it. Jesus is enough, i dont need a husband and kids for my value. Two, The Lord my Maker is my Husband. I AM married! to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Jesus is enough.

WHY GO TO KENYA? This is simple. Irony again in that the hardest question has the easiest answer. God said so. Take care of the orphans and widows in their distress. Well, to me specifically He said, go to the orphanage. I asked which one and He replied via txt from a pastor inviting me on this trip. Throughout the past months He has given me multiple signs of confirmation that i am to go. And not just in November, but in June.  With Chariots. This is not something i will back down on. Look how God has been faithful in all the other areas. He will take care of me in Kenya, especially because He called me there! Jesus is enough.

WHY THOSE PEOPLE? see "why did i like him." I see Jesus in them. they bring out the Jesus in me. They dont worry about what people think, if they look fake bc they love Jesus so much. Look at their life. They actually DO love and follow Jesus that much. Not only do they say Jesus is enough, they SHOW they BELIEVE Jesus is enough. and being with them, I too know, Jesus is enough!

WHY STOP TEXTING BOYS? What a great question to end with, because really, you can see the answer throughout all the others. Like facebook, boys are a big distraction (shocker right?:-p) So the less time i spend on them, such as texting them, the more time i have for God and my girlfriends. I made a list of 27 girls that i wish i spent more time with. And thats NOT including family....(therefore, the number would be MUCH higher because i do want to spend time with all of my family too!) like naps, texting boys take up the time i could spend with/text other girls. Like when i liked so-and-so, texting boys makes me think that this guy im texting is great because he is there and loves Jesus, but causes me to forget Jesus is enough. like wearing my ring simbolizes i am not ready to find my husband, my ceasing to text boys is a way to remind myself that i am not ready to think about being available to a guy any time he feels like texting me, nor is any guy mine to text at any time i want. Like going to Kenya, i know God will provide and take care of me even if i am not texting boys. God will still bring the right guy at the right time. Just like He has put this trip to Kenya in place at the right time and is the right place. like the people i am now spending time with, i want Jesus to shine through in all i do. not saying Jesus wouldnt txt girls, but i know He wouldnt with the heart that i have had...after all, Jesus's closest disciples were of the male gender just as Jesus was. I want to follow that example. Jesus is enough.

Worth it

Am i worth the commitment
am i worth the pain the struggles the hurt
i am worth the work, the discipline, the wait
am i worth my past, my present, my future
Worth the nails, worth the cross,
worth the blood, being scorned by God
worth the tears, worth the fears.
God says i'm worth it, but man says i'm not
God stands eternal, man is not.
God is steadfast, constant and true.
Why do i care when man deems me unworthy,
when i have a God Who makes me worthy!
And HE is worth it.
Worth the commitment
worth the pain the struggles and hurt
worth the WORK the discipline the wait
worth turning away from the past
worth giving my present into His hands
worth trusting the future is all He has planned
He's worth all the tears and facing my fears.
And He makes me worth it too.

So next time a man says im not worth his time,
says girls like me are a dozen a dime,
i can just shake my head and walk on by
because of Jesus, i AM a prize.
 It's HIS opinion that matters alone,
not a text, a message on the phone.
God defines my worth based on Christ's blood
that covers my sins, my failures, my crud.
Though i know man see my flaws and shameful past,
even my shaky present, and unsure future they cant see past
But if all could close their eyes and see with love
maybe this world would feel peace like a dove

im worth the suffering, the pain, the effort.
i know being with me is going to hurt.
but know that i am on my way,
walking the straight and narrow more each day.
yes i slip and fall back down
and make Jesus cry and frown,
but He died once for ALL my sin
and we are family, you're my kin.
Because of Him, i am worth it
Because of Him, you are worth it.
Because over ALL- HE is worth it.

Answered prayers and patience

im confused. Completely and totally taken aback. I'm doing everything i know to be right and in line with God in this, and then it's gone....I'm following Him in obedience to Kenya. I'm giving Him all the glory for taking me and putting it on my heart. I'm making sure to make everything about Him because i know without Him none of this would be happening. So when i found out i was losing my one case, it didnt come as a shock, and i knew that God would bring something to replace it. This case is half my paycheck, or more. Two hours after finding out my last day, i get a phone call with details on the PERFECT FIT case. 10 hour day on Friday in an area that i would already be in on Fridays! PRAISE GOD! I was so excited i proceeded to tell everyone how good God is for this timing was amazing--i didnt have time to worry! haha! And then a call today saying that the case doesnt want me because i'm going away for a long time over the summer. **shoulders drop, big sigh**i just don't get it. It was perfect! What is God trying to teach me here? that sometimes He takes away that which we thought was perfect because He can? because He has better? Because it's just not time yet? I dont know. But either way, no matter what happens, I will continue to praise my God and tell of the great things He is doing!

Because guess what?

I"M GOING TO KENYA!!!

But another wonderful thing that is helping me to not worry about work...well, let me tell you the story. Of course, it involves my dream man...

So i was finally spending all my time with this man that i was totally into. He was everything i wanted and i was so happy and thanking God for him! Long story short, we stopped spending so much time together (i was getting clingy, go figure haha) but i still hurt because i had given my heart to him (though i know i shouldnt have and it wasnt mine to give yadda yadda i think i wrote this part already?). So this past week and weekend was a lot of crying out to God about that and mourning the loss of this dream man, and asking God to take away my desire for him and replace it with a deeper faith in God. A few hours later i find out an old friend is in the area. The next day we spend just 2 hours together and in those 2 hours God used him to refocus me and remind me what i really want. To ask me what i really want. So i discovered some things that i had been compromising on that i didnt need to. there were desires that i had that were not being met by my dream man. Therefore he was not my dream man all along. So i praise God that He answered my plea for being freed from the desire for something i cannot have (in this case a particular relationship) and increased my faith in Him by bringing back a part of my life i had forgotten was so sweet. After just two hours of being treated like a princess i remembered who i am. a child of the King. a princess who can wait for the prince. <3

2-15-12 A day to go down in history

Remember this night CLIMB. Wherever you were, whatever you were doing, remember this night. Tonight, the night after USA celebrates infatuation and calls it love, we celebrated reconciliation and called it the Church. And that is what we are.

“This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.” 1 John 4:10 NLT

" And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him. 19 For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation. 20 So we are Christ’s ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, “Come back to God!” 21 For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin,[e] so that we could be made right with God through Christ. 2 Cor 5:18-21

Exodus 12:14
“This is a day to remember. Each year, from generation to generation, you must celebrate it as a special festival to the LORD. This is a law for all time.

Matthew 25:23
“The master said, ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let’s celebrate together!’

Luke 15:32
We had to celebrate this happy day. For your brother was dead and has come back to life! He was lost, but now he is found!’”

 Tonight we claim victory. Over dissension. over pride. over lust. over addictions. over insecurities. over backsliding. over sin. over disappointments. over sickness. Over loneliness.  over gossip. over hate. over anger. over envy. over anything that once held us down in the past, we are more than conquerors thru Jesus Christ (Romans 8:37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.)

Song that has been on repeat today:

"Breathin to Death" by Lacrae

It's like I'm tired of life/ Lord i'm wrong why I cant
get right/ And when it's dark why I cant get light/
eh why it cant be light it's so heavy why my sin won't
let me see the end/ come get me/ please come get me/
my thoughts my mind/ my ways all evil/ I'm sposed to
be your people I'm sposed to see your sequel/ I said
I'll never leave you/ But I'm so left i aint right
Lord I'm sleeping with death/man,
I am cheating with death/ am I deaf Its like I don't
hear you/ I say that I'm a Christian but it's like
I don't fear you/ I'm on a selfish island and i am
no where near you/ God i really need you even tho I
don't appear to/ I'm drinking out a broken cistern
that could never hold water and I'm gonna get burned/
tho I try i never satisfy or quench this yearn/ I hear
you calling but it's like a fight for me to just turn/Lord
I deserve to burn

Hook: Repeat 2x
Help me Lord before there's no time left
I ain't living I'm just breathing to death (echo)
Your ways are perfect and they lead me to rest
Mine are evil and they lead me to death

I'm fellin' skitzophrenic / maybe I ain't saved cause
i gotta get high just to block out all the pain/ seen
death, seen hurt seen a whole lotta thangs/ instead
of running from it I'm running away from change/ it's
like I'm outside in the ice cold weather/the rains
coming down and I keep getting wetter/ I know I'm getting
sick and I could die any second/ but still I refuse
to let your truths make me better/ I'd rather eat flies
and maggots instead of bread/ and its killing me slow
but i cant get it through my head/ you were stabbed
you were murdered/ and for me is why you bled/ but
I spit on your bloody face as If i never cared/ And
Lord how dare i compare my pain/ your father turned
his back/ and you were left to hang/ I don't know why
you did it that I cant explain/ how can you love this
sinner whose desecrated your name/Lord I deserve the flames

Hook: 2x

I know I tell lies/ I know I do dirt/ Apart from you
I'm nothing but you can give me worth/ I don't know
if I know you/ But still I know I should/ I know the
days are evil and only you are Good/ I've come to this
conclusion I would like to change cause all the worlds
money and fame cannot sustain/ I know that i should
turn but thats the hardest thang/ cause do I really
feel that havin' Jesus is my gain/ the world is so
tempting/ Satan is a beast/ he hypnotizes my eyes to
say the least/ But Jesus be my treasure to know you
is live/ and I am here dying trying everything there
is/ All I need here is you/ help me turn away from
sin/ Lord give me grace to turn away and the fear not
to give in/ I know that I'm not perfect but if I could
rest in Him/ I know i don't deserve it but still I'll
take your hand/Lord let me take your hand

 

valentines day 2012

So, this valentines day, i was stuck at home. Not because i didnt have anything to do, or anyone to see, or laid off, but because my car was in the shop getting a windshield fixed. Lovely. So what did i do? i slept in and exercised. when i got a text message wishing me happy valentines day from the man of my dreams, i put off responding, knowing that it was not just me who received that message.So who picked me up to go get my car when it was fixed? An ex boyfriend. So, as a thank you, i took him to dinner. I guess that means he was my valentine? hahah. After that? went to my ex fiance's grandmothers house to meet his son.After that? home to relax and get ready for work.

If you love it let it go

So i am starting to understand this "if you love something let it go" theory, however the "if it comes back it's yours" is a part i am not sure i agree with.
If GOD is to be loved with ALL my heart soul and mind, then there is not any room for anything that is NOT of Him. Therefore, when i love something, i must let it go if it is not God. This makes sure that HE is on the throne and nothing else. And when i give up everything else, i am at peace, my soul finds rest when i do not strive for something other than God!But every moment spend on this fallen planet i find something that i need to surrender back to God. I need to continually consecrate myself to God. Though i have been able to spot things in my life quicker than i had (and to actually give them up instead of choosing to keep something between me and God), i know this is still a process. So let's be patient with one another when we see flaws, faults, or failings. Let's restore gently (Galatians 6:1). By all means, yes, please do point it out if i do not see it, but do so gently. Everything in love. And i will do the same. Keep God on throne, and He does not share that. Let go of anything you desire outside of Him and you will see how He is more than enough!

The usual starts out neg turns pos

i dont know what to say
there are no words for today
such a rollercoaster ride im on
the high i felt all day is gone
just because i heard some song
that remind me you're where i belong
but i know those songs are not so true
because i do not belong with you
The Truth has shown me what i really want
and that right now i need to not be on the hunt
it's just hard to hear these songs i love
and think that you fit me like a glove
when i know im just a hopeless romantic
and these songs just make me frantic
so i need to turn the radio off and lift up a prayer
and know that of me and you God will take care
i rest in His arms and place my trust in Jesus
and plead with Him to take away all thoughts of "us"
what could have been and what ifs arent healthy
i'm gonna make my counselor quite wealthy
i know this unrest is due to what is to come
i know who this anxiousness is coming from
i refuse to listen to the negative attitudes,
In love and hope from Christ I get my cues
i place it down in front of my savior, the foot of the cross
For compared to Him all else is loss
i press on to the goal and the calling i've been given
and in His grace i chose to live in.
Even when i think of the daily stresses
i know where my Faith Hope and Love is

Giving up control but not hope

i still absolutely adore you and respect you
still wanna be your best friend and support you
but now i know i need to give you space
to let us both grow in our faith
i've got things to work on i know
and getting help so watch me grow
im not doing this for you though i'm doing it for me
to be the woman God's created me to be
and if we end up together later in life
and you decide you want me as your wife
we'll be blessed by this time apart
because then ill be able to fully give my heart
where i wont be so full of nag and mope
so im giving up control but not hope

Wavering Faith

I heard it said that it's not the amount of faith you have
but what you do with it that matters
and right now Lord, im putting it all on You
i wish and plead and pray, make this true!
im holding out for a miracle because that's what it'll be
but then i lack the faith and let it go because thats just me
 This clinging to hope must have just been a facade.
my wavering faith distracts me from obeying my God.

I believe i hear a word from You Lord
the best thing i have ever heard
i cling to Your promise that i want so bad
i get it and it makes me so glad!
then the doubt comes into play
and i forget what i had heard you say
i know it's gonna be hard but will it be worth it
You wont answer that and i throw a fit
start believing that it wasn't true
wavering faith makes me doubt it was You

Allowing the doubt to seep to my spirit
i close my eyes and try to hear it
the truth, but all i hear is "it's gone,
you messed up, you were just a pawn"
i start believing that maybe i was wrong
to believe in something i wanted so long
How could i receive when i'm so broken
my every wish, the special token.
though i want so bad to hold him tight
this wavering faith is losing the fight

My doubt leads to my own sabatoge
and now me he seems to dodge
i fullfilled my own doubting prohesy
mine again he'll never be
then a glimmer of hope and faith
as i look up and see his face
and am reminded how cool he is
and i will fight to keep this
my faith grows stronger through the storm
but my wavering faith is slightly torn

the hardships continue and mostly my fault
in fact, in this, he has played no part
It was my doubt that tore us apart
and the lack of me gaurding my heart.
i cant find my footing, though it is on Christ
all i can see is im ruining my life
i just want to do things right, trust and obey
but with this wavering faith there is no way

so Lord please right this seesaw of doubt
turn into a smile my constant pout
it is in You alone i place my hope
faith in You is how i cope
in You i am sure and confident
Faith in You is what i meant
to not have wavering faith in small possible promises
But to love and live in all Jesus is

In YOU alone i place my trust Jesus. **Que sera sera**

I wanna be your best friend

Just want to forewarn you, i wrote this while i was probably 3/4 asleep after listening to rap all day so this is kinda in rap form (well it's my first shot at it. trying right before bed. haha i shouldnt even be posting this...)

I wanna be your best friend
your always-there friend
willing to do back bends
On your side of the fence
i wanna know you in and out
what you love, what you're about
what you believe and whatever you doubt
i want to feel how you feel
your favorite song, favorite meal
know you so well i can help you to deal
know you physically to help you to heal
the only girl you lean on
the only girl you cling to
the one you feel like you always knew
i wanna be the one you trust so tight
hear my opinio cuz it's sometimes right
be the girl you say sorry to to end our fight
end each day saying have a great night
i want to be that girl you desire
to start in your heart a warm fire
to take you higher and higher
and of me that you'll never tire
it's too much to expect or demand
thats why ill be content just to hold your hand
becuase i feel im holding a hundred grand
when near you my ships finally landed
so i cant tell you how i feel
even though each day is so real
i know we need time to heal
because we both got a past, we need to deal
but i just want you to know boy
that to me you are no toy
so ill wait to be your joy
make it so you have no worry

can't force a connection

it took me a while to see
but now You are telling me
i can't force a connection
i can't stop the rejection
just because it is my desire
doesn't mean it's been refined by fire
Looking good on paper isn't enough
This road is tougher than tough
i know You said it would be hard
but i didnt know it'd be like digesting lard
with chains on his heart, closed and barred
 I just want a little assurance
just one slow dance
for him to tell me how he feels
for me to know Your Word heals
He doesnt show me what i need
and on Your Word alone i should feed

i cant force a connection
i wont face the rejection
im stuck in a tight space
and all i wanna see is Your face
Guide me Lord lest i fall
Grant me faith, even so small
Direct my thoughts in the right way
Give me the words that i must say
If oil and water cant combine
and this man is not to be mine
make it clear in every sense
because you know my head is dense


Is it supposed to be this difficult
walking on eggshells so he doesnt bolt
and even so crushing a few
but i will rely on You
let me lean into Your strong arms
when all i hear are the harms
when i am beat down on my face
let me experience Your grace
the friction helps to buffer out the blemish
but i dont want my joy to deminish

Thank You God i dont need to fight for Your love
This connection we have is more than enough
You hold me close and love me right
even when i push and shove and fight
cant force a connection to You though
So to You i humbly bow low
knowing it's by Your mercy and grace
that i can pray and seek Your face.

When all other things in life are hard
You are my constant my Lord
Though other connections cause friction and burn
it is for You alone i will yearn
Teach me Your ways and to mold more like You
to fit completely and be held on with glue
tighter than any connection i long for
Closer to You, i want more
You be the positive that draws out my negitive
You bring me back from the dead so that i live
bind our connection in Heaven and earth
let me find in You my true worth.

No other connection can be as strong
so i will not fear when they go wrong
i can't force a connection with anyone
but why would i want to when i have the Son





When God told me this would be the year of purging and purity, i didnt know it was gonna hurt this much. #being refined and redeemed by God's holy fire

im starting to realize that PATIENCE is not JUST waiting, but having a joyful attitude while we wait. God shared that with me today and i was like, "really?! i'm just starting to get the WAITING part down, You mean i have to do it with the right heart too?! ugh...." such a hard lesson, but He is teaching me. It seems so basic, with God caring more about our heart condition behind our actions, that even if i do not force something to happen, my attitude of wanting MY way in MY time (even if i dont actively pursue it) is disobedience to God. This is big to me. I have been praying forEVER for God to teach me patience, to grow that fruit in me, and just when i start being able to "let go and let God," i realize that i am NOT actually being patient because i do not have the patience in my SOUL, in my HEART. I'm trying so hard to appear patient while my heart and mind are scheming how to get what i want. UGH! This sin nature goes so deep and hurts so much. Praying for a renewed mind and pure heart to honestly cultivate patience, outside and inner. 


"It will be my Joy to say//Your will//Your way//Always" #Passion2012