breaking down this stronghold

You told me twice that tonight You would break these strongholds, and yet even before the service ended, the unrest in my soul became too strong to bear. Is this how You break the strongholds, by breaking me? by tearing up my heart and leaving me without any comfort? Yet You alone are my true comfort and how better to break the strongholds than to show that You are stronger still. How quickly You turn me back to You when i write, yet without constructing the words i do not see how stupid i am in my doubts. This was a lot shorter than i thought it would be....

i want so deeply, so strongly, to simply be cherished by a man. He would say i want to be worshipped, but that is not it. i do want Jesus to be number one in his life, but i would like to be number two! is that so wrong? to him, it is....and so he is not the one for me. is this how i am to break down this stronghold he has over me? to explain (AGAIN) to myself and the world why he is NOT the man for me? and yet, i still hold onto the idea that he COULD be he MIGHT be, that we could make it work, that i could change my ways of thinking so that i do not keep leaving him...simply bc it is what i am used to. im comfortable with him. i know him. i know how he reacts to certain things and i know when i have to ignore everything he says because it will just upset me (which is most of the time). So why do i let him keep this stronghold over me? That is the question. If i can discover the REASON it is a stronghold, i can reason away the reason (haha).

i let him have this stronghold over me, i let myself be captivated by him, because i convince myself that he cherishes me. In my stupidity, my nievity, my lonliness, i CONVINCE myself of the lie that keeps me bound to a man who keeps breaking my arms to be free of my embrace. i am so incredibly stupid. and it makes me so upset to know that i am doing this to myself, and do not know how to stop. I have "given it to God" more times than i can count, i have confessed and repented, i have prayed and fasted, i have pleaded God take this desire away, i have tried EVERYTHING and yet i still cling to him like a cowboy to a bucking bull...this disgusts me more than i can explain.