i know i'm not perfect. i know im not even close. i know there are things i do that are bad, things i say and things i think that are wrong. regardless of all that, i know that i am LOVED more than anyone here on Earth could love me. Why is it not enough? Why does my soul still feel unsatisfied? i have all i need, and He is more than enough for me, and yet i still feel empty. What's missing? **This world is not my home**
my soul is not satisfied, not whole. i feel incomplete. i feel empty. i am thirsy for more of Jesus, hungry for communion with Him and His people. and yet, even when i am there, i can feel so alone, so unloved.
am i doing this wrong? how can i do this right? it's so impossible to live right, no matter how hard i try and how many times i ask You to take over. i just wanna be home with You. this world is not my home and i feel so alone and unloved. how long must i wait, oh God? for how long must my soul be so unsatisfied? When will You return and restore it all? we are so broken Lord and we need You.
it is because of the brokenness of man, of sin, that we see all the suffering.
why can we not just love as You have commanded? why can we not be one as You and the Father are one?! this is my soul's desire and nothing can compare to being in complete unity. i only wish i knew what it felt like for more than just moments here and there.
Is this the reason i long for a husband? to have one with whom i am one at all times? and yet, is there even such a man for me? I have had faith, and i have doubted. I long for a man who understands, who loves You and loves me, desires to be one with You, and one with me. I truly believe that we can have the unity of the church here, but it is so far away and we keep putting up the divisions in the church. I hate it! I hate when satan drives a wedge between believers! With God and His people is where we are supposed to feel comforted, encouraged, loved. And yet, so often i leave feeling alone and distraught. How long? How long must this go on? When can i give up my delusions of what this was supposed to be and just realize what it is?
We all have scripts and expectations. Life rarely turns out to be what we expect. Yet living in the moment and being satisfied with what "is" is a very difficult discipline. The Buddhists do this better than we do, perhaps because their prayer life is not directed to intercessory prayer, but simply to being aware and not judging. We have pain. It is just pain. It will not destroy us. Consider taking a course in meditation. There are Christian retreat centers that teach meditation and meditative prayer. Wisdom is wisdom, regardless of the source. "Be content with what you have;
ReplyDeleterejoice in the way things are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking,
the whole world belongs to you." -- Lao-tzu
And if all else fails, I know some really good psychologists who can help you along the way. :-)
Lamar
Eliminate distractions, spend some quiet time with God. Spill your heart out to him. Stay in the Word. Praying for you sister! I love you and am always here for you. You are never alone.
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